Teresa Joyce was born in 1958 the middle child of three. After losing her father at a very young age; it was to set the pattern for the rest of her life. Losing was something that she would have to get used to. Today she still has some memory of her father, but in truth it’s all a little hazy. Her mother through no fault of her own after that loss had no other alternative, then to return to her parent’s home with her children in tow. This family unit were to spend only a few years there, until the wind of change came around once more. Teresa still holds many happy memories from her time there as a child. Happy memories are something that Teresa holds in very short supply, and she has treasured them always. Her mother was set to meet the man that was to become her stepfather, and they moved on once more to a new city with the promise of a new life. Hopefully it would be a happy one for all concerned, but it became a place for Teresa that felt far more like a prison. One in which she would spend many days months and years hating. Teresa swore to herself that she would leave all this behind her at the first possible occasion. She can still clearly remember the day that she left that family home and joined the Royal Air Force. It was just two months off her sixteenth birthday. Her stepfather had informed her that to remain living in his house, she had to live by his rules. This was a big decision for her to take being so young, but she could no longer live by any rules that he imposed. Never really understanding at that time, what she was really running from. Memories of those years living by his rules were buried so deep, that previous years and events were only a burr to her. Teresa’s Time spent while in the Royal Air Force was very rewarding, and she involved herself in all and everything possible. After meeting her ex -husband whilst she was on leave, she then left this all behind her and married. It was greatly missed and in retrospect, it would be something that she would live to regret many years later. Life as a married woman changed many things for her; the biggest of all would be the arrival of her son. Teresa loved him even before he was born, and he is still able to pull on her heart strings daily.
Sadly after many years, she found herself unable to stay within that marriage. The onset of a set of circumstances beyond her control would stamp its seal, rendering the marriage unworkable. Engineered by the involvement of the one man Teresa had learnt to hate - her stepfather. The marriage was dissolved and there was no going back on her part, that door was firmly closed behind her. Some years later she would find herself in a long term lesbian relationship, firmly believing that anything touched by a man was tainted; bringing with it only pain and heartache. Teresa’s thoughts at that time were that the worst was surly now behind her, but her life was set to make another turn from her envisaged path. It was to arrive in the form of an accident, which once again would alter her life forever. After many months and many doctors reports she was ill health retired, unable to return to work in either one of her two loved occupations. Teresa was affected by this far more then she could have ever expected, she was left alone with nothing but time, and still within the mix of a completely insane situation; it was at this point that Teresa would enter into the mental health care system fully, to have any hope of dealing with everything going on around her. That care umbrella is still part of her everyday life. The loss of her mother through less than adequate health care, brought her pain like she had never thought possible. Teresa saw herself delving deeper and deeper into her own unconscious thoughts, revealing to her at that time memories which seemed so alien. Ultimately her mental health would prove to be a factor, in the disintegration of her then lesbian relationship.
It’s something that Teresa is still trying to come to terms with even now. She now lives alone with only a small dog for company, which in truth she is happy with. Firmly believing that she can’t hurt those she loves, if they are not there for her to do so; to her mind segregation is the answer. Teresa is still unable to work and in constant pain daily. Maybe today you could say that she has once more taken back control of her life, but only outwardly. The truth is she still carries the past along with her, like an uninvited guest at a party. The one that never seems to know when the party is over and it’s time to leave. Teresa is now trying to live her life as fully as possible, through her son and grandsons; they have become her light at the end of the tunnel.
- Monday, September 3, 2012 - 15:42We are entering a mind field here where the only way to find the right help for you is by trial and error, in my own experience I spent so many years doing just that. At times I felt as if here was no one out there that could ever fill those shoes. The key here is to consider other aspects of our lives. Example – we have all been in a position that requires us to shop around; maybe we even go home empty handed. I myself have returned many items that I thought suited me whilst in the store, only to return the item a day or so later.
- Monday, September 3, 2012 - 15:41How do we measure courage? I guess it very much depends on your mind set. There are so many ways that it can be measured.
- Monday, September 3, 2012 - 15:39Let’s explore the above heading a little together. You could be forgiven to think that surly this is something no one would ever do. What would be the point? Clearly I am not talking here about the act of lying; I’m sure that we have all been a little guilty of a white lie or two. If we really get into it here I am talking about living in a state of limbo. Unable to deal in the realms of the true you, because you feel if you were to do so you would never be able to deal with the emotions it would evoke.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:29This situation for me was something I had to contend with for many years.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:29For so many years I felt as if life was just about getting up every day, existing just until another night of the haunting dark hours. I would be still in the dark, fighting with all I had to stay awake. Why could I not just close my eyes? That meant the return of the nightmares. I would feel the quiet all around me, and remember that for so many years those hours were not safe for me. You listen for the creek on the stairs, the lights going off and the house falling into silence. This is a memory I know I share with others, all be it a slight variation on my own situation.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:28When we make the empowered decision to take back control of our lives, there is another hard fact that we need to face up to. While going through the trauma that engulfed our life’s for so many years, there is always going to be a fall out. Mine was the peace and protection I thought I had imparted to my son. There was a shutter during that time, which when faced with something painful came hammering down. Shutting down was the only way I knew, of getting through those painful days in my life. Sitting here now I am able to take reasonability, and I will regret those years always.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:27When these words are spoken they are always received differently, depending on the impact they have on the person hearing them. For those of you like me who have gone through this experience, we also have a magnitude of different responses. Every one of us has a different story to tell. But let’s first go to those on the outside looking in. There is a stigma attached to those words that was never part of their remit. Association if recognised could taint their very being. They scoot around us with an uneasy feeling as though it were taboo to ask the question.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:26I am sitting next to my mum holding her hand, just as I have been doing for the last thirty days. They have just turned off the life support; I watched her dying breath as it escaped her tiny body. She had gone to hospital with lower back pain, a complaint that should never have caused the loss of life. My head is in my hands, it feels like my body is being torn apart by the hounds of hell. How in the world could this happen. On arrival she had not been seen by the consultant in charge of that particular ward, the reasoning for this? He was on holiday.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:25It’s raining and I am kneeling next to my father’s grave. The dirty water and mud swish all around me but I pay no mind. I have so many questions that need to be answered by a man that has been dead for so many years. Do I remember him or only the stories I have been told over the years? I was only three when he departed this world. As far back as I can remember my Stepfather had told me that I was just like him. My Father had been a violent drunk; my mother had endured a life of hell under what should have been his sheltering wing.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:24Who do we see when we look in the mirror? You should be so comfortable with the face you were born with. We have seen ourselves grow and change, from the pictures we have witnessed when we were children. The truth is we never see the real us, the reflection always differs from the way that others see us. I am sure you know what I am talking about here, we think we are to fat but others tell us that not the case. Our hair never seems to look good, while friends ask us for our stylist’s telephone number. Your noise is too big. Why can’t I look that good in jeans?
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:23It’s dark and I have no idea of where I am nothing around me looks Familiar, I can hear voices just out of eye shot. My head feels as if it may explode and I am fighting the urge to throw up. There is a swell of disinfectant hanging in the air which is not helping me much. I sit up in bed and try to take in my surroundings. I was not meant to be here, I had taken the decision to close my eyes for the very last time. I feel cheated; once more any control over my own life had been taken from me.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:22I’ve just returned home after another session with my Psychiatrist, today has really not gone well. I was asked to visit a place that had so many bad memories for me. Dealing with the sexual side of my rehabilitation is a killer. I know that I need this psychotherapeutic treatment, because I am drowning in my own pain. How do I put into words the shear agony that I feel inside when I revisit that place. It feels like someone is tearing out the very heart of me, leaving me feeling hollow and empty. Every dirty moment relived. Surrender because I was too weak to fight back.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:21I shoot up in bed sweat pouring from my body, the sheets clinging tightly all around me. I try to adjust my eyes to the light, while they are darting from one corner of the room to another. I know he is here I heard his footsteps on the stairs. He is coming closer and closer to me with ever step that he takes. Suddenly it’s all out there in front of me, the memory of his breath on my face, the rancid taste in my mouth. Invading my body whilst I am unable to move paralysed with fear. Why can’t I see him? The light was playing tricks with my vision.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:20Self harm is a very Controversial subject, and one that many people skirt around or as they say tread lightly.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:18Grief – it’s a word we can all relate to, if we have ever suffered the pain of losing someone close to us. It’s a word that is associated with love, the empty feeling it leaves behind as the bottom of our world falls out. It’s a word that is associated with death, as we try to move on in our lives without that special person. Buts death has many guises. So what relevance has it here? Let’s explore that question together. To my mind there are so many other things that we grieve for.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:17More than once to date I have received an email from an abuser and not the abused. The question that must pop in to our heads is why? Why would someone of that ilk visit my web page? Is it not rubbing their noise in it? Are their reasons for being here pure? After much pondering, I have decided to write this piece to those of you that have.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:16I’m in a bad way I have only just made it to the bathroom before throwing up; sitting there on my cold floor tiles I put my head between my knees just to keep upright. The room is spinning, rotating all around me like some never ending merry go round. I know that this is where I will sleep tonight, not trusting myself to be too far away from the bathroom. Its cold the house is in darkness and has never felt so empty. It’s just me and my drunken stupor, along with my demons, which once again this evening I had attempted to drown. That night had started like any other.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:15I am sitting here at my pc in the mix of the season about to arrive. I’ve been faced by the outward realisation, merely by the Christmas shoppers; the Christmas tree’s arriving in the shops. The length of the cues we are forced to stand in becoming longer. It’s a happy time a time for rejoicing while mixing with those that you love. As it draws nearer there is an excitement that seems to bubble over from the masses around you, as they plan that perfect time. Which house will we be spending Christmas day at? What should you take as an addition to the menu?
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:14Rejection…… A word that has the power to remind us that throughout our lives at times, we have to accept things that are not of our choosing. An emotion of not feeling wanted, loved, or even worthy of either. It’s a feeling that can bring you to your knees, one of feeling helpless. An inability to have any effect on the outcome however hard we try. We have all been in a situation where there may have been an attraction that was not reciprocated, not being able to gain access through a door that’s firmly closed to us.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:12So what is dissociation…..? Everyone can relate to periods when this occurs naturally; we take a familiar journey with no memory of the journey we have taken at all. It can also arrive as a form of self defence, a mechanism that helps us to survive a traumatic experience. There is a need to escape reality at that time, time off as it were to deal with the present situation. We all have our own feelings thoughts and memories. When these memories become too painful where do we go to escape?
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:10Let’s explore the above heading a little together. You could be forgiven to think that surly this is something no one would ever do. What would be the point? Clearly I am not talking here about the act of lying; I’m sure that we have all been a little guilty of a white lie or two. If we really get into it here I am talking about living in a state of limbo. Unable to deal in the realms of the true you, because you feel if you were to do so you would never be able to deal with the emotions it would evoke.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:09This subject was something that I really had trouble getting my head around, why would anyone revisit a point in their life where it spelt nothing but pain and suffering. Why the hell would I ? A place you would think that your own consciousness would crawl over hot coals to keep you from revisiting. When you consider that statement it’s easy to see my confusion. What we have to remember here is that it’s the action of a mind struggling in the realms of the reality. At that precise moment in time anywhere would be a preferred place than the one you are being made to face.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:07We are entering a mind field here where the only way to find the right help for you is by trial and error, in my own experience I spent so many years doing just that. At times I felt as if here was no one out there that could ever fill those shoes. The key here is to consider other aspects of our lives. Example – we have all been in a position that requires us to shop around; maybe we even go home empty handed. I myself have returned many items that I thought suited me whilst in the store, only to return the item a day or so later.
- Tuesday, August 7, 2012 - 23:05Normal 0 false false false EN-GB X-NONE