Dealing With Difficult People

The better idea is to know how to deal with these people. We all teach people how to treat us, and we can easily train people to be the best they can be with us if we know how. There is no reason to dump the “jerks” and “assholes” in your life – and sometimes you can’t. They may be a relative or a coworker or next door neighbor. You simply must know how to deal with them. Because most of them can be dealt with.

So if you’ve found that the man you love most has an overly developed inner jerk, keep reading. It is not necessary to leave these men, or break up your relationship, home or family. It is surprisingly possible to have a peaceful, happy life with someone not so peaceful or happy.

The Three Rules of Jerk Rehabilitation

To make this simple for you, let me recap and break down this “jerk
rehab” stuff in to steps.

When someone has an overly developed “jerk” side, it means they are afflicted, which shows in an astrological chart through the Sun or Moon. When the Sun or Moon are afflicted by negative planets, this also indicates that the individual was not fully parented or properly nurtured as a child. So, when their “jerk” self is coming forward, it literally means that a very young or immature part of them has not fully developed, which is why they then behave immaturely (i.e., act like “a big baby”).

So they need to be reparented and you need to think of them as scared children, no matter what their chronological age. Because the good news is they can be trained to behave differently, and you can call on their more mature sides as well. It’s actually quite easy!

First, you must not fall into your immature, scared part. This takes faith and inner strength and won’t be simple.
It’s very tempting, when someone is behaving badly, to jump in the emotional sandbox and start flinging sand back in their face, too, but this will only escalate tensions and create separation – which is not what you want! So don’t let their bad example goad you into baby behavior as well.

You must be consistent – just like with children, if you sometimes give in to their childish antics then they will always test you. You have to be strong and unwavering.

Rule #1: Let go of the fantasy that they can be “enlightened” or reasoned with. The more reasonable you become, the more emotional they will be. What they are reacting to is your attitude – if it is one of superiority or disdain for their behavior, they will only become more difficult. Do NOT make them wrong, NO MATTER WHAT!

Rule #2: Set a boundary. They are in fear, so use that to your advantage – the fear you WANT them to have is the fear of losing you! Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “I am sorry you are so upset.” But then take care of yourself, by letting them know that they cannot mistreat you. Tell them, calmly, “Until you can be civil I am not available for this conversation. I am happy to talk when you can be kind.” And then put your money where your mouth is and REMOVE YOURSELF. Leave the room or the premises – go see a friend, go for a walk, go to the movies. Get out of the way of their emotional firestorm.

Rule #3: Remember, they are in their “baby” part, so give them something to hold onto – do not just remove yourself and leave them feeling abandoned. Say something like, “I’ll be back at six,” or “I’ll see you tomorrow,” or “Call me when you have calmed down.” If you just leave, it will be too scary for them.

Following these three rules accomplishes a few things. First, it is you taking care of yourself, which is your only job. Your job is not to “fix” them, or “make them see the light.” Your job is to take care of yourself and honor your truth. Calmly and peacefully not taking their bad behavior lying down is you taking care of yourself and loving yourself.

Next, it shows them that you are not willing to allow their inappropriate behavior, nor are you able to be pulled in to inappropriate behavior of your own. You are strong enough to resist that temptation and hold a higher vision for the relationship. They will secretly respect you more for that – when you allow people to treat you badly, or lure you into treating them badly they will actually be even more angry with you.

In an amazing study written about in the book, Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others by John T. Malloy, men from all walks of life all over the United States told researchers over and over again the same thing – they want to be with a woman who loves herself MORE and ELEVATES them. They love it when a woman is strong and doesn’t put up with their poor behavior.
From an Evolutionary Psychology perspective this communicates to a man’s “reptile” brain (the part of the brain that has to do with survival) that she’s a good gamble – that she’s strong enough to take care of children and fight off other suitors even when he’s not around.

This is why it’s so important that you not lose control of your emotions. When you are out of control, it tells his “reptile brain” that you are not a good gamble, and that you can’t take care of yourself or children. (More on this later...)

Why didn’t anyone tell us THAT one in high school?

Warning...

When you initially try to train your “jerk,” he will most likely strongly resist and things may get worse first. You are changing the rules on him and that’s always scary for someone already in fear. There is a comfort in replaying our scripts with people, even if they are negative.
So, again – be consistent. Do not waver. When you set boundaries and avoid being pulled into his drama, he may yell and scream and throw things more than before. He may have a first class tantrum. Stay strong and trust that this is your best option for finding lasting happiness later with your sensitive man.

The Three Challenges of Jerk Rehabilitation

The NUMBER #1 challenge to being able to implement the three Rules of Jerk Rehabilitation is being willing to tolerate the emotional separation it will initially require. Leaving the immediate area and getting away from your partner when he is angry requires that you trust you’ll reconnect later and that your relationship will be able to withstand the initial disconnect. Many women are too emotionally needy and dependent to do this. You must be able to hold to the vision that it will lead to peace and greater closeness later.

When you find yourself crying and begging him to understand, over explaining your position and telling him you love him (even though he’s being rude or cruel toward you) and asking for physical closeness, then you are being needy and putting your need for emotional connection with him ahead of your need for sanity and it’s time to remove yourself!

The NUMBER #2 challenge to being able to implement the three rules is your ego. Your ego wants to stay and duke it out. Your ego LOVES to be smug and superior and tell your man all the ways in which he is wrong and you are right. Your ego can’t just walk away! That feels too passive and too much like letting him “get away with something” and who needs that? You can’t wait to give your side of the story and make him see the error of his ways. Your ego has no patience and doesn’t want to do what works. It wants to do what it wants to do – RIGHT NOW.
Hmmm, on second thought – this is the number #1 problem…

When you find yourself explaining your feelings and trying to make a man understand what an idiot he’s being, and you can’t just let it go, then you know you’re in your ego and it’s time to set a boundary and get out of Dodge!

The Good News

If a relationship is worth it, and a man is healthy enough to grow, then I promise you this will work. If you find that you cannot take the pressure and that your attempts are not being met with success and that you are discouraged, it may be that you need to leave the relationship. Only you can know when you are done. There are people that are simply too “afflicted” and narcissistic and screwed up to make this stuff worthwhile.

But implementing the steps of Jerk Rehab will help you know for sure, either bringing you the harmony you crave with the afflicted man you love, or the peace of mind that moving on to love another day with someone not so afflicted is the best option for you.

the sun and the moon have nothing to do with this

maybe you should put out more.

and or you can tell him "i will come back in a few hours when you cool down" maybe come back with some bbq wings, some drinks, and a see through nightie , try it, before you bother with this whole "train your jerk" gimmick ,, dont bank on the sun and the moon or astrology crap.

Had I known then what I know now! I believe our relationship/friendship boundaries were crossed and there is no return.

I can just imagine how many men carol allen has been through. They cheat on you left & right or they love you & leave you, don't they hun? Aww... It's ok. One day you'll learn that yes, even men are more complex than "food and sex".