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Complementary differences and divisive differences
If communication and emotion are expressed in ways that ignite anger, hostility, resentment, and hurt, you’re the romantic equivalent of the Middle East; both parties valiantly defending their position without understanding, mutually satisfying resolution, and then re-ignition of hostilities at the first imagined or real transgression.
Divisive differences lend themselves to the expression, “opposites attract.” Opposites may initially attract, but recent research indicates they don't stand the test of time. There is familiarity and comfort in commonality and mutuality in the way we communicate and express love and affection.
There’s a marked distinction between complementary and divisive differences. Complementary differences balance a relationship; one partner is strong where the other is weak and vice versa. Complementary differences are indicated in skill sets and interests. They add to a relationship rather than driving a couple apart.
Divisive differences make for a painful relationship and possibly unravel it. Divisive differences are indicated in values, temperament, and the manner in which one communicates and expresses and receives affection.
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I couldn't agree more with Tara. I spent a lot of time when I was in my 20s not thinking about what I had in common with the women I dated. That's probably not a bad thing, since I wasn't looking for a soul mate. But it would have helped if someone told me all of this before I actually DID start to want something serious. It ended up taking me a while to realize that long term relationships aren't born out of the initial excitement of spending time with someone who introduces you to whole worlds you never knew. It was only when I started dating women who could finish some of my sentences that I began to figure out what kind of foundation would be needed for something to last.
Thanks, Matt. I always seem to arrive to my most valuable lessons via trial and error (sometimes the emotional/psychological equivalent of being smacked upside the head with a 2 x 4!), but hey, whatever gets you through the door. Life is a learning curve.
I think it's fairly typical for couples in their 20s and 30s to develop a pattern of conflict. It's an easy trap to fall into: we date a new person, discover a different set of values, and then a struggle ensues. This may not be the most productive way to relate to someone, but I suspect it's pretty common.