(
About PeopleJam | Ad Network | Company Blog | Interested in joining PeopleJam as a Business Partner?
Copyright 2008 PeopleJam, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms of use | Feedback
BlogBLOG DETAIL
10 Reasons to Not Date a Married Man
Apr 28th
There are no positive reasons for dating a married man. Even the good reasons don't stand the test of time and turn out to be bad ideas in good ideas' clothing. If you find yourself on the brink of temptation, look at these 10 truths before you leap:
1. He won't commit to a future with you.
A man who is in a very unhappy or unsatisfying marriage can feel swept away by how wonderful you make him feel. He may even blurt out, "I've never felt this way before and I can see spending the rest of my life with you." This may sound like a commitment to a future with you. It's not. Don't confuse his loving the way you make him feel with his loving you and making a commitment to you.
2. Cheating on his wife tells you how he deals with any situation he doesn't like.
You are evidence of his inability to avoid dealing with unpleasant situations head on. This means that he's likely to resort to some devious behavior with you if the two of you encounter relationship problems.
3. Hiding is exhausting.
Having to keep your relationship a secret can attack your self-esteem and cause you to miss out on one of the wonderful aspects of a relationship. Walking together freely and radiantly through the world can fill you with the glow of being with someone who is proud to be with you.
4. He's got his cake and is eating it, too.
He has a legitimate married relationship that helps his public persona and he has an illegitimate one with you to make up for what he's missing in his marriage. As appreciative as he sounds, many women who are involved with married men come to resent his having the best of both worlds, when she has the least.
5. Can you love someone who is so disrespectful of his wife?
The existence of your relationship with a married man tells you how little he respects his wife by lying to her instead of being a man and telling her that he wants out.
6. Lose his respect and it's over.
Even though he's the one who pursued you. Even though he's the one that made it difficult to say "No." And even though he tells you how wonderful you are. At some level, he's going to have trouble respecting you for settling for such a flawed relationship. Like the Groucho Marx joke, "He may not want to be in a relationship that would have him as a partner."
7. You're not a home wrecker, just an accomplice.
Like it or not, you are a willing participant in a man violating his vows and betraying the trust of his wife -- not to mention grossly disappointing his children and making it difficult for them to see him as a role model.
8. You're kidding yourself.
Despite his reassuring you how much you mean to him, his not ending his relationship with his wife in an above-board and respectful way -- and not beginning a legitimate relationship with you -- are actions that speak louder than words.
9. Beware the guilt boomerang.
Many men (and women) have difficulty accepting full responsibility for their deceitful actions. Human nature finds it easier to blame than to accept shame. If he is caught by his wife or conscience, don't be surprised if he tries to blame you and get you to take the fall.
10. Time is too precious to waste.
Ever notice how quickly the years go as you get older? Because it's convenient and comfortable, a relationship with a married man can go on for a long time -- and before you know it, eat up the precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing. When people who have been involved with married men finally move on, they often regret having wasted the time in a dead-end affair.
Dr. Goulston is the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship (Perigee, 2002). Visit him at: markgoulston.com
Add To:
If you enjoyed this article, subscribe to our newsletter and we'll keep you updated with fresh new content.
Subscribe to Comments
Subscribe to Comments
comments
Great points, Dr. Mark. On some level, women who get involved with married men know all of these things. However, it's hard to ignore them in writing. I used to make similar points to former patients involved in love triangles. Thanks for posting them here.
The bottom line is that excuses for the married man not to end his marriage are just that: EXCUSES. It doesn't matter how complicated, if you're going to end it, you end it. There is no perfect time. There's no way to do it without emotional fallout. Either the married man grows up and grows a pair or all parties stay in a ultimately unsatisfying situation. Life's about making choices, especially the difficult ones.
I had an affair for many years with a married man. It was something I swore I'd never do but I fell in love.
He kept telling me he was going to leave and wanted to plan a future with me but it was never the right time. First he wanted to wait until he'd put enough money away. Then he had a career problem. Then he couldn't desert his kids and wanted to wait until the last one left for college.
I hung in until his second child left the nest. Then his wife's doctor found a suspicious mole and he couldn't desert her in her hour of need. Finally I had enough.
I regret the years I spent waiting and hoping. Five minutes was to long to wait for someone who doesn't have a backbone. I feel used and foolish. I blame me to. I wanted to believe.
I wish I could say everything was great and I found a wonderful man to share my life with. I wasted the best years of my life and I cant ever get them back.
As a man dealing with a wife who has pretty much abandoned him and is living in limbo, I would say follow these rules:
0) Be open. If you go on a date tell the wife. Also, let the date know your situation and that you aren't available for more than casual dating.
1) No sex. It will just drive you and your date mad until your situation is finalized.
"1) No sex."
LOL
We're talking about humans right?
Its very difficult to resist sex,but i did it just coz he shldnt do it
with her
But all in vain, despite of loosing my viginity i am still standing empty
handed. He do everything with his wife no bars for him.
But lies that he is not involved.
Why these men dnt understand the feeling of true love
I love him truely but he despite of having his wife had so many girlfriends
wat a destiny i have got!!!
He is always fooling me around!! and i didnt even know it
He says his wife is on the top most priority and then anything else comes
Then Jesus ask him y he loved me so much , where his priorities were gone when
he was with me on bed
God Will Never Spare these Married men!!!
GOd if u Exist then Punish them......for breaking Hearts and faiths
Good article. Very good advice.
Why restrict it to married men? Married women cheat too, perhaps as often or more so. Though perhaps the 10 reasons would be different.
well wht do i say m involved with a married man . He is 51 and m 30. He is separated from his wife stays with me always . only goes home to give money to the house . He says its impossible to get the divorce done as catholic churches dunt allow.
I have been in love with a married man for almost 10 YEARS. We met on a chat line when I was separated and lonely. He was on and off with his wife and experiencing enormous amounts of stress regarding his business. When he was traveling for the business, we were there for each other, just chatting on the phone, sometimes until dawn. After 5 years we decided to meet. It was the most difficult thing I ever did. I was so confused and guilt ridden. He told me, "(he) was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with and he hoped that person was me". The "affair" in person lasted for 2 1/2 months. He ended it, saying I reminded him of his wife and I was a lot older than he thought I would be. Meanwhile he is 7 years older than I am and his wife is 8 years older than him, lol. We had a 3 1/2 year period where we didn't speak.
Then he contacted me and things ALMOST started back up again. Thankfully, after he declared in no uncertain terms that he was "staying married for a variety of reasons", I realized this man would only be a friend. It was truly awful and painful and I too, have wasted the best years of my life.
My advise to any woman contemplating or on the verge of this kind of disingenuous relationship is, don't think that it will not affect you for the rest of your life. You are worth so much more. Take care and be strong!!!
This really should be called "10 Reasons to Not Date a Liar". As other commenters pointed out, sometimes a man is legally married but emotionally separated. Also, a new generation is realizing that monogamy doesn't work for everyone; extramarital relationships can absolutely include commitment and healthy emotional support, as long as everyone involved is being honest.
This list really points at dishonesty and inequality, which are huge red flags in any relationship. Just as you should never date someone who won't tell his wife about you, so should you never seriously date someone who won't tell his mother or friends about you. Also, what's good for the gander is good for the goose: if he has a wife, he should not deny you the right to date other people. If you're falling in love, you may not want to actually date someone else, but you can surely test his capacity for jealous rage by telling him that you're going out to dinner with a man you're attracted to. If he forbids it or becomes angry or noncommunicative, you have every reason and right to DTMFA.
Im a married man and have "dated" single women just for sex for years. As for my experience: Some women like the adrenaline, others are very lonely, it doesn't matter how many shrinks they see to get over guilt, or workout hours to get in the best possible shape, they're usually attractive succeful but lonely women that go from one married man to another or stand-by for decades, and there's nothing anybody (shrinks, religion, government, etc) can do about it.
I'm SURE and POSITIVE that if it wasn't for guys like myself these women will get to the graveyard with an empty existence.
God is fair, everyone has as deserved! So if you girls don't find a quiet single to "put-up and shut-up" with your recreational manners or you don't have the guts and patience to reach out for single men, then its either "giving your best years" to "somebody" or to NOBODY (yeap, rot in your bed and work until you're 70 then retire some place nice to get rotten and die).