The Ugly Dozen - when to call it quits in a marriage

Posted by Dr. Mark Goulston on March 9, 2008 8:34 PM PDT

Tags: divorce, list, separation, Marriage, Breaking Up

Recommend this? YES NO

(as seen at Basil and Spice and markgoulston.com)

You can't stand the sight of them and they make your skin crawl
You are afraid of them
Friends keep telling you to
get out
They are mean to the children
The children are afraid of
them
You can't remember anything
good about them
You no longer enjoy
anything with them or look forward to doing anything with them
They come in the door and
your heart sinks
You don't want to go out with
them with friends or family because they are too embarrassing
They keep making promises
they don't keep
You're no longer proud of
them
Quirks you originally found
amusing are now embarrassing to you

Bonus hint:

They keep violating the restraining order you put on them

There's good and bad news about this list:

The good news, you're not alone if this applies to
your relationship and there probably are people who would want to help you make
the break when you decide to do it.

The bad news for you – if any of the list applies,
it is probably not going to get any better by itself.

The bad news for me – my wife came up with
the list.

All of the Ugly Dozen above fit under one or more of the 6 secrets of a lasting relationship that I covered in my book The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, which coaches couples on how to restore the loving feelings they once had.

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4 Comments

The items on your list are definitely "head for the nearest exit" signs. Here are some other signs that aren't quite as extreme nor drastic . . . 1. You no longer share the same values . . . 2. You look for reasons NOT to go home at the end of the day . . . 3. If you weren't married/committed to the person, you wouldn't choose to hang out with them . . . 4. The sex/passion has disappeared or only occurs on "special" occasions (i.e., anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas) . . . 5. You fight about the same things you did 5 years ago and there's no resolution, just an ever growing grievance list . . . 6. You tear other down verbally/psychologically rather than bolstering each other . . . 7. Your child/children are depressed, timid, angry or acting out in response to your relationship strife . . . 7. Your partner's pastimes/hobbies are a source of irritation and vice versa . . . 8. Most of your communication is about relationship mechanics (i.e., childcare, money) . . . 9. You stay in the relationship out of a sense of obligation/guilt/fear (of change) rather than joy, passion, comfort and a sense of excitement about the future together. . . 10. No matter what you do, your partner responds with disappointment and criticism and vice versa . . . 11. You simply don't enjoy just "being" with each other, but your RESIGNED to it . . . 12. You think about the future and are bored by the prospect.

Posted by Tara on March 10, 2008 11:54 AM PDT

Thank you Tara.

I'll bet it's much easier to come up with reasons to leave than to stay. Maybe it's because our minds are much more tuned into what's wrong (and neuropsychology as well as nature probably abhors a vacuum) than what's right. Mark Goulston, M.D.
"Get Out of Your Own Way"
http://markgoulston.com
http://markgoulston.com/blog