How good do you feel when you're bad?

I mean nasty, deceitful, and tawdry beyond your wildest dreams and yet making you filthy rich all at the same time?

Does a king sized, pink neon bed covered in $100 dollar bills get you all "Hot n' Bothered?" No?

How about adding 4 Playmates and a case of Dom Perignon? Now that I have your attention to the point of drooling, just know that the best is yet to come.

Let me now insist on giving you a moment of pause.

For those who might be hesitant due to my sarcastic tone, the companies to be mentioned below are those that profit from the addiction prone members of society. For example, if you are of the moral judgment that the big bad tobacco companies somehow forcibly shove cigarettes into babies mouths at the rate of 2 packs per day, this article is probably not the place for you.

Now that the PC side of the equation is solved, lets cut the foreplay and get busy! Try to keep the shouts of "Play on Playa!" to a minimum.

The French have gone health conscious?

Never in my life have I imagined a Frenchman giving up his cigarettes, but even the remarkable can happen, and as the recent indoor smoking ban was placed into law I was rather taken aback. Yet , as I continue to watch the world light up to take that first drag, I get a few additional pennies in my piggy bank. How you ask?

I own shares of Imperial Tobacco Group PLC (NYSE: ITY). ITY is an international tobacco company based in England that trades on the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE) as an American Depositary Receipt (ADR), which essentially means it is an international stock that trades in the US to avoid the hassle of international investment firms. ITY's products are sold throughout the European Union, Russia, Africa and even as far as Australia and segments of the Pacific Rim. With this type of international market presence and its "loyal customer basis," ITY is definitely a cash cow of global proportions in my less than humble opinion.

Had you bought this stock 3 years ago, your Return on Investments (ROI) would be around 75% (Chart #1). For those who always want a little more, ITY also pays a current dividend of 4.17% each year. If you use a traditional brick & mortar bank, that is almost twice the interest rate you most likely receive.

Chart #1: 3 year chart of Imperial Tobacco Group PLC.

Just for your own edification, take a glance at your current savings account interest rate. If you are then forced to utter the immortal words of Alicia Silverstone's famous quote "AS IF?", a stock like ITY might be worth a look as well as a high yield savings account from a reputable online bank.

Got a Little Captain in You?

Are You Ready to Tanqueray with Tony Sinclair? Do the words VIVE CUERVO bring nostalgia of streaking and frostbite? Even better, do you greet your comrades with a shot and a toast of NA ZDOROVIE (loosely translated as Cheers!) as a warm up to the evening? If so, I should consider putting you on my Christmas Card list. Why?

I have a few shares of Diageo PLC (NYSE: DEO) stuck under my mattress. As you might have ascertained from the headers above, DEO is a manufacturer of distilled spirits and other alcoholic beverages consumed in every corner of the world. Brands like Captain Morgan rum, Smirnoff vodka, and Jose Cuervo tequila are but a few of the well known spirits in this behemoth's product portfolio.

DEO has a ~40% ROI over the last 3 years. As seen above with ITY, a healthy 4.12% cash dividend is paid out just for owning DEO. Those of us who aspire to live off of passive income in our golden years live for investments like these.

Chart #2: 3 year chart of Diageo PLC.

Buying into the Worlds Oldest Profession with a High Tech Twist!

That's right baby! Pucker up and say "Hay Mami" to the Porn Industry. This 57 billion dollar a year industry is coming to you in high definition, surround sound, and the ... well ... decorum probably prohibits me from describing any further.

Rest assured, I blushed a little coming up with that introduction, but there is no denying that sex sells and it sells very well. I may be a slightly prudish when it comes to my own risque behaviors, but when it comes to making money, I'll be among the first begging Mistress Mandy for a spanking.

Back in the grand old days of the early internet, there were a few non-believers claiming it was all a fad and the world wide web would be nothing but stock quotes and communities for Star Trek fans. Obviously, that's not the case since I've held your attention this far, but the companies I'm about to discuss took the worlds oldest profession to higher highs than most of us thought possible.

Unfortunately, you can't just go out and buy stock in any random porn company. Sure, you can buy some stock in Playboy and concept of "researching the fundamentals" is almost a pun waiting to happen, but to really invest in the industry, one must invest privately or through a high net worth organizations.

One in particular is run by Francis Koenig, a former hedge fund manager, who is in the process of accumulating substantial amounts of capital to invest in this once shady (still opaque) industry. He currently operates Adultvest.com, a PG rated website which invites those with an interest in investing into this industry by giving a free membership to join and review company specific information. These companies can be basic start up companies or well established, private companies with substantial experience and a reliable history of generating profits. Checkout this video from CNBC, where the basic details of Adultvest.com are highlighted and a few subtle punchlines by host Melissa Francis.

I have not invested in any of these companies (yet!), but I am actively researching the possibilities. Extreme caution should be used because these are non-public companies, each containing different management teams, business plans, etc. These investments are not typical Wall Street type investments, but could prove highly profitable for the knowledgeable investor.

If you require a jumpstart in regards to believing the profit potential, just ask yourself this very simple question: How else would all those implants of unnatural proportions pay for themselves?

What do I do now?

As I unplug from my quasi-facetious persona for a brief second, let me inject another moment of precautionary pause. These investment choices just happen to be involved in areas of human behavior that is often frowned upon, but often enjoyed by the casual users. Nevertheless, they can be abused just like any other addictive substance. Yet, these investment choices are legalized substances/business practices and therefore, open to investment by anyone choosing to do so.

In regards to recession proofing your investment portfolio, one of the hallmark traits of defensive investing is choosing companies whose products are in constant demand. These choices, along with energy, food, and consumer staples (think toothpaste and toilet paper), are perfect examples recession proofing stocks during fears of an economic downturn. When you consider the psychological ramifications of a recessionary economic forecast, consumers are often prone to over-indulge in products such as alcohol and tobacco products so it's likely that these companies will flourish in a negative economy.

For those of you find these investments suitable to your moral limitations (if you have any), the line for your own personal Mark of the Beast forms a few million people behind Yours Truly. If you're like me, you already know your ticket to the big barbecue down below is booked, so join me in the fight for the corner office overlooking the River Styx!

If questions arise, please leave a comment.

Disclaimer: Author has long positions in ITY and DEO at the date of publication (January 28, 2008). This article is for informational use only and should not be endorsed as a professional recommendation.