Don't Work Against Yourself

Now that the New Year is here, it's time to buckle down and do what we said that we were going to do, including acting on those "resolutions" that may have found their way on our "to-do" list. Easier said than done, you ask?! To be sure, good intentions are not enough--no matter how well intended they may be. Paradoxically, if we become fixated or obsessed with our intentions, including the achievement of our New Year resolutions, we may actually work against ourselves, which is a concept (and technique) known as--you guessed it--paradoxical intention. Let me explain.

Have you ever worked so hard at something that the more you tried, the harder the task became and the farther away it seemed you got from your goal? In other words, one step forward, two steps backward? I know that I've experienced this kind of situation in my life, including my work life. To be sure, I've had many good intentions (just like you, I'm sure). Unfortunately, my fixation on outcomes often, if not more often than not, "backfired" and I was unable to fulfill my ultimate goal.

Of course, I could easily blame such situations on others or, at least, shift to others the bulk of responsibility for failing to reach my objectives. I choose not to do so, however, for I now can see how my own actions can (and do) often work against me. Paradoxically, as I review these situations with the benefit of hindsight, I now can say that I had become my own worst enemy and at the time didn't even know it! Has this ever happened to you?

As a case in point, let's consider our work. Our jobs are always more than our jobs. They represent relationships--to ourselves and to others, to our customers and consumers, to the products we are designing, creating, and selling, to the services we offer, to the environment, and to the way in which what we do has an impact on the world. These relationships weave together through our work, they have meaning individually and collectively. When we focus too intently on outcome, these relationships suffer. The harder we work for success, the more elusive it becomes.

Meaning is found in awareness of the moment, and when we get too far from the moment we start to lose our effectiveness. Even when the stakes are high and our success essential, focusing on the results rather than the process can actually get in the way of a successful outcome. We all know how it works: our nervousness and anxiety about "getting it right" keeps us from getting it right. The higher our expectations about something, the more disconnected we are from the actual accomplishment of it all and the less able we are to participate in its successful unfolding.

Dr. Viktor Frankl called this paradoxical intention. Our good intentions actually become the cause of our failure. When a specific success is so fervently sought that we overlook and neglect the relationships that are an integral part of the process, we lay the seeds for something to go wrong. We fly in the face of our own success. We neglect our own meaning, the meaning of others, and the meaning of the process. When we overlook the opportunity to have respectful and meaningful moments with others--be it at work or in our personal lives--we undermine our chances of long-term success. And when we do take the time to nurture our relationships, the definition of success expands exponentially. Our day-to-day, minute-to-minute lives become success in and of themselves; our specific goal-oriented successes become more accessible.

For more about both the concept and technique of paradoxical intention, please see Chapter 7, "Don't Work Against Yourself," in my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts. And, of course, if you have any questions to ask, or thoughts and/or experiences to share, please do so! I'd love to hear and learn from all of you!

Alex