Love & War, Part I.

The Fog of War: Eleven Lessons from the Life of Robert S. McNamara (Errol Morris, 2004), is a fascinating, Oscar-winning documentary which presents McNamara’s views on 20th century American history via interviews and archival footage. McNamara was the Secretary of Defense in both the Kennedy and Johnson administrations during the Vietnam War. The documentary is divided into eleven lessons he learned about warfare and humanity. There are myriad threads connecting the facets of our lives and world if one chooses to see them. In the next few blog entries, we’ll explore McNamara’s lessons as applied to relationships by shifting the context.
“Lesson One: Empathize with your enemy… to understand the thoughts that lie behind their decisions and actions… give them enough wiggle room to save face…” Empathy leads to understanding. Understanding leads to tolerance. Tolerance leads to patience, acceptance and forgiveness. These abstract concepts foster healthy reciprocal relationships.
Who hasn’t, at one time or another, looked at the person they most cherish and wondered what the hell they’re doing with them? When their thoughts and actions seem to be coming from an alien creature, it’s hard not to take an adversarial stance and begin the angry, self-righteous blame game. More often than not, the things we do that drive each other crazy are symptomatic of deeper, underlying hurts that are too painful to articulate or admit, even to ourselves. It’s “easier” to argue about never being on time, not cleaning up after yourself or to be withholding of affection and warmth or be hypercritical.
Empathizing with and understanding those things people bring to every relationship (be it romantic, platonic, or professional) promotes the possibility of a greater coming together. Empathy and understanding neither negate nor excuse the hurtful things we do to each other. However, if we attempt to see and feel from the other’s perspective, we can better understand our part and how individual issues play off of and feed one another. It’s not about winning or losing in a relationship; it’s about finding an equitable and reciprocal coexistence. If you can’t coexist, you will either separate or “live” with resentment and discord (and that’s not living).
“Lesson Two: Rationality will not save us.” We have to let go of preconceived ideas about how things should be or ought to work. A rigid adherence to logic can hamper creativity and result in stagnant relationships. When you feel as if you’ve been banging your head against a wall, leading only to feeling more stuck in a relationship, let go of logic. Life isn’t always rational. Often, the course of action that, on the surface, appears to make the least sense, is the key to unlocking the situation. In therapeutic terms, it’s called a paradoxical intervention.
Rationality dictates you maintain the status quo, the familiar, the known. An authentic life requires that you take a leap of faith into the unknown. Some justify staying in stagnant, hurtful relationships by reasoning the amount of time and energy they’ve expended thereby making it difficult to walk away. “I’ve put 3 years into this. She must be the one.” (Ever hear the expression, “throwing good money after bad?” The same can be said of a commodity far more precious: time.) Even if they’re unhappy and empty, hey, it’s familiar. The unfamiliar and unknown can be scary, leading into strange and uncharted relationship territory; however, this is where real change, movement and growth occur, affecting all areas of your life. Sometimes, strange isn’t just underrated; it’s vital.
“Lesson Three: There’s something beyond oneself…a responsibility to society.” The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. In a self-obsessed, self-centric world, it’s difficult for many to remember the art of give and take. In relationships, sometimes you have to make personal sacrifices for the greater good. (Please don’t confuse this with being a martyr or doormat.) In an adaptive, functioning relationship, the more you put in, the more you receive, and the more you both grow together.
In a generally healthy relationship, you take turns. If your relationship seems lopsided or one-sided more often than not, ask yourself what you’re doing in that relationship. If you’re putting forth all the effort, why are you? Are you recreating earlier relationships, trying to receive approval and love from a person who isn’t capable of giving it thereby reinforcing distorted beliefs about yourself, love and relationships? Do you push people away who want to get close to you and punish them for it? Do you only chase after the unavailable, the challenge? If so, you’re engaging in one-sided relationships that are not about being together, but keeping your self separate, emotionally distant, and “safe.”

Please check back in a couple days for Part II.