Hi everyone,
I despretly need your advice; so here goes.
My boyfriend and I have been together for the past three years and have grown tremendously as a couple. We've gone through challenges that most couples don't go through in 20 years. Firstly, we've both been estranged from our families because we decided to be together (montagues and capulets all over again!). Secondly, we've survived my worse depressive episodes following the split with my fam.He's been the most supportive and most encouraging coach in my recovery period. Thirdly,we've struggled against a terrible breach of trust from my side (ex-boyfriend issues). He'd not only forgiven me but helped me through the psychological loss I had felt at the time which had also aggravated my depressive symptoms.
we both got layed-off from our jobs and went through the struggle of career building and both celebrated our landing our dream jobs together.
My friends love him for me for the way he has unconditionally loved me and stuck through some horrible things I've done.
But why is it that I'm unsatisfied?
I've read so many relationship-help books and realized perhaps these problems are a result of my own insecurities and fears of commitment.
Now we've purchased a home together which was something that we were both equally excited for and discussed at length before stepping into; BUT, i've had increased insecurities in the relationship since moving in. I know the next step from here is a proposal and he's been droping hints all over as have our friends; BUT i'm actually panicking at the thought!?!? My birthday is approaching and I think he will propose. The thought makes me want to break down and die.
WHY!?! I'm sacrificing so much to be here , yet i'm dissatisfied. I'm not unhappy, he truly is what every woman would want;BUT i find myself looking at other couples and feeling this total emptiness and loss inside....This relationship has been so full of emotional turmoil for me that I feel it can never be stable. But he truly deserves that. He's sacrificed so much without a complaint but with the steady belief in our love.
This guilt and impending injustice that I will serve him is eating me alive. I don't want to relapse into depression again. I can't afford to. I've spoken to him about some of my insecutities and he's tried to be helpful but he also knows me well enough to know that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I can see the worry and anxiety on his face. And it hurts me so much to do that to him. I feel like i want to sacrifice it all just so I don't break his heart. He truly does not deserve it.
so what can I do?...
-TL.