In my 25 years as a psychiatrist, I have found that the elements of a
lasting relationship are hidden in plain sight. The "secret" elements
are chemistry... respect... enjoyment... acceptance... trust... empathy and form the foundation for my book: The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again...and Stay There (Perigee, 2002).

When
these elements are abundant, a relationship is vital and strong. When
any one of them is in short supply, the relationship is troubled.

To make a relationship last...

Identify
where it has deteriorated. Have dialogue to air resentments, correct
misunderstandings and develop solutions to which both partners commit.

Take
steps to keep the six elements out in the open, where they can be
nurtured by you and your partner -- so you can stay in love.

KEEP THE CHEMISTRY

Chemistry is the passion that sweeps you away when you first fall in love.

Test yourself: How often are you turned on by the way your partner looks dressed and undressed?

Answers: 1/Rarely... 2/Sometimes... 3/Often.

EARN EACH OTHER'S RESPECT

This
has more to do with how good a person you are -- and how good a person
your partner is -- than how good each of you makes the other feel. You
demonstrate respect by how well you listen.

Test yourself: How often do you listen to your partner and hear him/her all the way through without interrupting?

Answers: 1/Rarely... 2/Sometimes... 3/Often.

ENJOY EACH OTHER

This
is about having fun being together. When you're with your spouse -- or
think about him -- it makes you feel lighter and puts a smile on your
face. Unpleasant people -- judgmental, easy to disappoint and difficult
to please -- drain your energy.

Test yourself: How often do you and your partner dine alone together?

Answers: 1/Rarely... 2/Sometimes... 3/Often.

ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER AS IS

It
is better to hope for change, rather than to keep acceptance contingent
on changes being made. When acceptance is missing, partners feel judged
and as if they can't do anything right.

Test yourself: How often do you feel you can be yourself with your partner?

Answers: 1/Rarely... 2/Sometimes... 3/Often.

BUILD TRUST

Trust
makes it safe to confide fears and dreams without concern that what you
say will be exploited, betrayed, trivialized or ridiculed. It takes
seconds to destroy trust -- and years to rebuild it.

Test yourself: How often are you able to tell your partner things you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

Answers: 1/Rarely... 2/Sometimes... 3/Often.

EMPATHY TO DEFUSE RESENTMENT

Empathy
is about understanding and feeling understood by your partner. It's
asking, "What's it like for my partner right now?" Don't presume you
know.

Test yourself: How frequently do you feel understood by your partner?

Answers: 1/Rarely... 2/Sometimes... 3/Often.

HOW DO YOU RATE?

If you and your partner scored 3's across the board, you have the basis for a lasting relationship. Congratulations!

If, however, either you or your partner scored less than 3 in any of the six areas, you may want to improve.

Set
aside time to talk through when and why any of those areas
deteriorated. Make every effort to have a dialogue instead of a
debate... to talk with instead of at or over... to listen openly rather
than defensively.

Then decide what each of you specifically
needs to do now to restore the chemistry, respect, enjoyment,
acceptance, trust and empathy so that you can fall in love again -- and
stay there.