Thursday nights in Denver are always spent at JR's (a gay bar downtown). It's the cheapest night for a good time. You get drunk and find yourself a nice mate for only 50 cents a beer.

I was sitting at a table talking to my friends when this little "scene" rocker boy came over. His glassy eyes stared at me, waiting for me to make the first move. He stuttered "hey, your underwear's hanging out". I should have known right then that he wasn't right. Who uses that as an intro? "well, my name is Patrick, what's yours?"

We spent the night chatting away and we exchanged numbers. He invited me over to his house the next night for some drinks and to watch movies. I wanted to skip all that extracurricular stuff and get down to business.

I walked into his house. Everything was packed in boxes. I asked "oh, are you moving to a new place or did you just move to this one?" "No, im moving in three months so I have to pack everything up". AHA, reason number two why hes not right in the head. Why would someone pack all their belongings months before they move? ALL his stuff was in boxes. I walked to the couch and tried to sit down, it was filled with boxes of gay porn.

I moved it over and made room for my petite frame. There was so much to look at, gay porn, boxes of stuff stacked to the ceiling, purple flooring... Wait a minute....f*#*$& purple flooring!? "Why is the floor purple I asked?" "Oh, me and my roommate were bored a few nights ago so we tore up the carpet and painted the floor electric purple." Yeah, it was obvious at this point that Patrick was a hot mess, not only a hot mess, but a meth head as well. No sane person would paint their floors purple.

We started playing music and talking about our lives and interests. Talking turned to kissing. He was a great kisser. We went into the bedroom and things started to heat up. Well, until I looked at his stained bed lying in the corner on the floor.

"where are the sheets? I need sheets to sleep with!" His response was shocking and appalling. "See that table cloth over there, you can cover up with that!" I was shocked, I wasn't about to cover up with a dirty plastic table cloth. This first date wasn't going too well. I wasn't about to sleep wrapped in a plastic table cloth like some homeless dude. I went to K-Mart to buy sheets. God, at this point I felt like Martha Stewart on a date with Bobby and Whitney. I was just waiting for him to light a foily.

When I got back, he was partially nude, lying on the bed. I made the bed then continued to kiss and make out. Things heated up again, so I asked if he had a condom. He pushed me off him and ran to the other room without saying a word. I heard the freezer(?!) open and he came back with a condom. It was great and all that he had protection, but the condom was frozen (WTF?)

For some reason, he kept his condoms next to the snow peas and buffalo wings in the freezer. While we waited for it to thaw, we went back to talking about our interests. Once it defrosted, we finally did what God made us to do (well, depending upon which God you believe, isn't that so,Ricky Right-Wing)? Yes, pro-create, (and on the first night...shh, don't tell Amanda!)

Afterward, I threw the condom on the floor and to my utter disbelief, his kitty cat, "Chawles" picked it up in his mouth and began to bat it around like a ball of yarn. The sex sucked, so I got dressed stat, and walked out the door before kitty sank his claws into something else.

As crazy as he was, I was just as crazy for staying. Lesson learned: get out and get out fast if you see bright purple floors and condoms next to the Stoli's in the freezer.