The Worst Hot Dog Vendor in New York

You never know what kind of situation you’re going to walk into; you always have the choice whether to be patient or show kindness, or to let your emotions get the better of you and vent on someone.

I’m in New York City to do some media appearances and yesterday I had the afternoon off. I decided to walk through the Theater District, maybe go to the Museum of Natural History to see some dinosaurs. Not knowing my walking distances well, I just kept going, and going, and going. I’m not complaining; it was a beautiful day, a nice walk and there’s always something interesting going on in New York.

The aroma of Sabrett’s hot dogs was starting to get the best of me and I could have tackled someone for a bottle of water. I finally saw the museum on the next block and there was an oasis: one of New York’s famed hot dog vendors.

At this point I was so hungry I couldn’t see straight. I ordered two with mustard & relish; the vendor said, “It’s your lucky day; I’ve got a special…” Great! “Two dogs,” he says and holds up a cocktail frank!

He started this rant about promoting health; “No offense,” he said to a rather unconditioned guy next to me, “but you’re a little overweight.” Now my olfactory senses activate the most primal part of my brain processes. I didn’t have the patience for this BS sales rant that this guy obviously thought was clever.

Now, the large man next to me said, “Hey, you know what. I just want water, you got any cold water?” The vendor started rooting through his cooler and said he didn’t; his cousin was going for ice so he only had warm water. Fine with me; I was still starving.

My patience was starting to wear thin, but hey, I know what a tough job a hot dog vendor has: been there! I decided to wait it out. About this time the portly guy started on another tangent; “Hey, anyone ever tell you, you look like Mario Lopez?” “I get that all the time,” said the vendor. Great, I was thinking how long is this going to take? I have to admit I’m not well versed in pop culture icons and probably would’ve had to ask my wife who Mario Lopez is; she’s in love with him! So, I’m starving, this guy is trying to do some stupid shtick about little healthy hog dogs, some idiot is telling him he looks like Mario Lopez and I still don’t have my lunch!

Finally I butted in an asked, “Do you have any regular hot dogs? And I’ll take a bottle of that warm water!” Warm water is better for you when you need hydration anyway! So the Mario Lopez look-alike makes me a dog, gives me a 6 ounce bottle of warm water and I’m ready to pay $5.00 or more for the whole mess.

“It’s on me,” he says.

I insist on paying him, but he tells me that it’s all his cousin’s fault yada, yada (official New York lexicon). I just want to pay the guy; I figure he’s got to be the worst hot dog vendor in the city and that he might not be making much. I ask him where the tip jar is; no tip jar he tells me, “It’s on me, man, now you’re going to insult me.” Now I’ve had enough! I say, “Look man, you’ve got to make a living!” I drop a dollar on the cart and look for someplace to sit and eat my unhealthy but delicious Sabrett’s hot dog and drink my warm water.

There’s a nice bench in the shade so I ask a young man if I could have some space. He says sure, and asks me if the guy at the hot dog cart looks like Mario Lopez! Enough with Mario Lopez! I said I guess he does. The young guy asks, “Ya, but what would he be doing working at a hot dog cart?” You’d think I’d smell a set-up by now? Not me: pop culture illiterati, nutritionally desperate and well, I’m just pretty dense about these things anyway. My only response is that I suppose it might be Mario Lopez, but only if he lost his job!

So…I finish my dog, chug down my warm 6 ounces of water and start toward the museum. I stop to grab a napkin and the Mario look-alike hot dog vendor from hell asks me, “How was your dog, sir?” “Wonderful!” I say, and I meant it! I start walking toward the museum when a pleasant young woman wearing an earpiece runs up to me and asks me if I think the guy at the hot dog cart looked like Mario Lopez. She tells me that New York’s worst hot dog vendor was in fact Mario Lopez and asks me to sign off on his new hidden camera show. Slam: I’ve been had! Oh well, good clean American fun! I figured this was pay-back for all the times I laughed at the idiots on Candid Camera and Punked.

I did see my dinosaurs and I have to admit that as far as pop culture goes; I felt very comfortable in their company. As I walked back to my hotel through the famed NY theater district, I looked down a side street to see a magnificent marquise reading: “A Chorus Line with Mario Lopez.” I got back to my room and turned on the TV and what comes on? A dance contest show hosted by…Mario Lopez!

Mario, thanks for the hot dog and I’m glad you’re still making a good living in show business; the hot dog business is rough!

Jim Bouchard is America's Powervational Speaker, author of Dynamic Components of Personal Power and former Hot Dog Vendor!

For more information visit JimBouchard.org!