“High risk, high reward.” I like that a lot. In a sense if you don’t risk something, you’re sort of just giving it away.

"You don’t need a false sense of security from a guy who’s on the fence." This is so true. I can't stand it when people just tell you what you want to hear. A lie always hurts more than the truth. I wish everybody valued honesty...

"I love you" creates such expectations; it can be damaging. What's the point of those words if you already feel loved by your significant other? I never say those words first. Admittedly, I need to feel safe before proclaiming such a loaded statement--I prefer to let actions speak. Even when a guy says it first, I'm reluctant to say it back. What are we playing here? Tit-for-tat? Just because you love me, does it automatically follow that I must love you as well? I had a guy say those words way too early in the relationship and it made me think, "you're so full of shit...but since you have tears in your eyes, I'll indulge this stupid fantasy of yours for a little while." I can't imagine ever becoming the kind of woman that whines (with tears in her eyes,) "...but I thought you loved me??!?!" What am I, fifteen again? The guy should then tell my sorry ass, "why, because I told you so, or because I showed you so?" That's why people go "Basic Instinct" on supposed loved ones; because they thought the love was requited based on three empty words.

Completely agree with your points Evan. Why do women feel like saying "i Love you" marks the big time turning point in a relationship? more often then not, the saying / not saying of those words create so much tension / expectations that it can throttle the relationship. my suggestion is to let the relationship take its course. both people know when they start feeling something. if you feel like you can't help but say it then tell your partner but don't expect him/ her to have to reciprocate. let them tell you in their own time and if they don't then at least you didn't get lied to. anyone have suggestions on what else we can say to each other that don't encompass the "love" term? how about "i really enjoy spending time with you and i think we have something special?

I also have been dating a guy for a little less than a year, were both in our early 20's , I have told him about 3 times that im in love with him ... not necessarily in that exact way but he doesn't say it back. the first time it slipped out when we were having sex. The second time we were drinking and i said it and i think he said he loved me to but didnt want to say it too soon, the whole thing was kinda blurry. and he never brought it up after. and the last time i wrote it in his valentines day card but not out loud. i know he knows i want him to say it. and i really feel like he does love me. I cant really read him should i bring it up and ask him how he feels or is that too pushy. Im not very good at being ballsy enough to just ask someone if they love me. HELP!

If he does not tell you he loves you atleat after being in a relationship for 1 year, he does not love you. He is waiting for someone else to possibly come along who makes him love them. If you want to break up and he still does not want to talk it over or work it out, he does not love you.

Me and my boyfriend have only said ilu once in 2 years to each other. We both do things to show it we just don't say it. Why? I don't know. We've been in a huge fight for 3 weeks now. He left to go stay at his brothers house and is coming back tomorrow. I'm suppose to be moving out. He wants to talk. I really do think he loves me but don't want to be drawn back in if he just needs me not that he wants to be with me.

I have a boyfriend who went out with me in 2008 for a year and he said he loves me.In 2009,he loves me too but he said he broke up with me at the end of 2008.He said he loves me many times.And last year we have been chatting on msn for a 1year.And now says he is breaking up with me.I just don't believe cos he said this last year on msn that wasn't true.I don't know what is going on.

Please Help

well i tolled me boy friend i love you and he didnt say it back all he said is that he cant say i love you but every time i say it he says ditto babe what does that mean im getting to the point were i dont wana say it no more and alot of thoughts are running through my head like(what if he dont love me). so reading what you said jiust makes me think more.

Thats is so sweet when he says ditto babe but if he is not nice to u forget him.You know why because the man(my boyfriend) came back to me but I dumped my boyfriend. He asked me out and I let him down.After thinking about it he is not worth it thats why i dumped him because he was so mean to me.

Evan, your comments are hilariously clever. And yet, I feel sad reading them as I know there is a lot of truth in those precious pearls. When applied to my life, I can see how my 'boyfriend' doesn't love me at all... and why should I wait around to see if it will develop? When we women finally take the attitude of 'What's in it for me?' then we can evaluate our relationships without being on the losing end. I'm not saying to be selfish jerks ourselves, but to step back and really ask ourselves what we're getting out of the relationship. If our man can't even say he loves us or is in love with us (assuming it's been a couple of months) then do we really want that? I think we have to start focusing on what we want out of a relationship and go from there. Thanks Evan for your insight and really entertaining writing!
Fiona, Aussie chick.

Evan thank you for letting me comment here
Your writing is entertaning

What is love exactly?

These comments are very interesting, but clearly illustrate the fact that if you ask ten people the same question, you will get, well, three or four different viewpoints. No, not all men have problems expressing their feelings. But some do. Some women do. There are billions of people on this planet, with millions of different backgrounds, experiences and opinions. I broke up with someone a while back because he never told me he loved me; when we finished (my choice) he told me he did but had massive problems saying the words because of specific issues related to a past relationship. Two years later, we are still friends but he openly admits he still has feelings for me. I liked him more than he liked me, did I? I think not. Yes, a man who does not tell a woman he loves her might be "risky stock"; or he may be less expressive and overly cautious, perhaps doesn't take the words lightly. It may be that in maybe a year, two years, or more, he will say those words; surely then they will mean more than a declaration of love in the early flush of romance.

Yes I am in a relationship with a man who will NOT say the words! It makes me wonder as well and eats at my already wounded self-esteem (I am going through some very, very hard family/legal issues right now which hav erroded part of my security, for sure) so it adds stress in some ways to the relationship which has has only been like 5 months..

However! With that said, let me tell you that this man has done some things for me that a general, "passive", or "dis-interested" man would not do.. he has taken care of me after I had surgery, taking me 2 hours to a Dr. every day for like 2 weeks when I had complications (infection) even injecting me for a week with the take-home antibioltics the Dr. gave me.. he has helped me work on my house with broken pipes, etc.. he has helped me move! He wants me to stay with him, (and yes we hav sex), but he wants me next to him, all the time, spending most of our free time together.. I am fortuous in-so-that I do not work outside of my home at this time, so I can set my schedule and he likes me to be with him..

I once read on the INet that there are many men who hav a hard time SAYING the words, but that their ACTIONS speak volumes and that the biggest hallmark of a mans devotion and interest, is his TIME.. how much of his time does he invest with you..? And to this I hav to shamefully hang my head because this man has been with me as much as I will let him.. I know he loves me.. I just wish I would hear it from him.. but I'd rather hav HIM, than the words of someone with lesser intentions and lesser devotion for me..

My .02

~MOMMY

I was with a man for 25 years (15 to 40). He used to say he loved me at least once a day. HIS WORDS... He spoke them, I heard them, I believed them. I never told him I loved them, I might have written them in a valentines card, etc. or when it was expected of me to say them. It never felt right. YES... I wasted more than half of my life with the wrong guy (too late to pound on it). I met a wonderful man in 2011 who has demonstrated to me that he does LOVE me but won't say it. It is so hard to come from a relationship where you here the three words daily and not to get those words said to you by someone who you really LOVE. It's ironic. He has told me that the way he showes me he loves me is by spending every free moment with me (which he does). By accepting my conditions. We've talked about the need I have for him to express himself verbally, he has told me that it is difficult for him to do so due to past relationships. I don't refrain from telling him I LOVE HIM when I feel the need to. I do have to say though that verbal and physical affection is needed in a healthy relationship. WE (men and women) doub ourselves a bit much. We should learn to live the moment as it happens. That's one thing that he has taught me in our 18 months relationship. O.... received this from a "male" friend of mine.. best advice ever. "DON"T NAG THE GUY, NO DRAMA and things will improve. I took his advice, seen totally improvement. I will treasure the I LOVE YOU's from my children. BEST WISHES !!! and enough with discouraging words. You are the only one that knows the truth about your man.