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Why doesn’t my boyfriend tell me he loves me?
Feb 7th
Saying "I love you" is a major step in a man’s life. That’s why we wait for you to take that step first.
Yes, it’s a joke, but like most jokes, it’s wrapped in a great deal of truth. When it comes to love and relationships, why would a guy not say that he loves you?
Let me count the ways:
1) He’s not expressive. Men aren’t taught to share their feelings, blahblahblah. Do you buy this for even a second? I don’t. Everybody knows that women want to hear “I love you”. So what the hell is they guy waiting for? Armageddon?
2) The Chump Problem – My “Why You’re Still Single” co-author, Linda Holmes nailed this one in our 2006 book. Essentially, by saying “I love you” first, you’re risking that your partner will not reciprocate, thus making you feel like somewhat of a chump. He, on the other hand, already KNOWS you love him, which is why he’s not risking anything by reciprocating. This leads us to the unfortunate conclusion that:
3) He doesn’t love you. Or perhaps he’s not sure if he loves you. Either way, at this point, your feelings are stronger than his. This has to sting a little bit, but that’s the risk you take when you declare your love first.
Then again, that’s the risk anyone takes when taking any bold action. A guy can go to a bar and gawk at cute girls, but until he risks being rejected and feeling foolish, nothing’s gonna happen. High risk, high reward. That’s the stakes of the love game.
So what does this mean for you? Well, first of all, you learned a valuable lesson: it’s not the man’s job to say, “I love you” first. Especially if he doesn’t mean it. After all, it’s a bit of a dated cliché that a guy says “I love you” in order to get laid. These days we sleep together way before “I love you”. Thus “I love you” instead marks a turning point in the relationship. “Are we serious? Or are we just passing time?” A man who says “I love you” – willingly! – is indicating that he’s serious about a future. …
Ultimately, you can’t twist a guy’s arm to say those three magic words, nor do you want to. Better for your boyfriend to make a statement by NOT saying it than to tell you what you want to hear. You don’t need a false sense of security from a guy who’s on the fence.
Just know that every month that goes by without a reciprocal "I love you" is another month you’re investing in a very risky stock.
It’s up to you when it’s time to sell.
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“High risk, high reward.” I like that a lot. In a sense if you don’t risk something, you’re sort of just giving it away.
"You don’t need a false sense of security from a guy who’s on the fence." This is so true. I can't stand it when people just tell you what you want to hear. A lie always hurts more than the truth. I wish everybody valued honesty...
"I love you" creates such expectations; it can be damaging. What's the point of those words if you already feel loved by your significant other? I never say those words first. Admittedly, I need to feel safe before proclaiming such a loaded statement--I prefer to let actions speak. Even when a guy says it first, I'm reluctant to say it back. What are we playing here? Tit-for-tat? Just because you love me, does it automatically follow that I must love you as well? I had a guy say those words way too early in the relationship and it made me think, "you're so full of shit...but since you have tears in your eyes, I'll indulge this stupid fantasy of yours for a little while." I can't imagine ever becoming the kind of woman that whines (with tears in her eyes,) "...but I thought you loved me??!?!" What am I, fifteen again? The guy should then tell my sorry ass, "why, because I told you so, or because I showed you so?" That's why people go "Basic Instinct" on supposed loved ones; because they thought the love was requited based on three empty words.
Completely agree with your points Evan. Why do women feel like saying "i Love you" marks the big time turning point in a relationship? more often then not, the saying / not saying of those words create so much tension / expectations that it can throttle the relationship. my suggestion is to let the relationship take its course. both people know when they start feeling something. if you feel like you can't help but say it then tell your partner but don't expect him/ her to have to reciprocate. let them tell you in their own time and if they don't then at least you didn't get lied to. anyone have suggestions on what else we can say to each other that don't encompass the "love" term? how about "i really enjoy spending time with you and i think we have something special?