OK. My first shot at a blog...here goes. For the last year and a half, I've been on a "DIET". I'm just about to turn 42, and I've weighed considerably over 200 pounds for the last 20 years (I'm 5'6" tall, so, over 200 [up to almost 270], was A BIT too much!)

After doing all the diets on the planet, Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, MediFast, Diet Center, Duke Diet and Fitness Center, et al., I finally designed my own system. I figured out how many calories, fat grams, and carb grams would be appropriate on a daily basis, then went about figuring out what I could actually eat!

The first bit of good news, when designing my own plan, nothing is off limits! If I want to eat a bacon cheeseburger, or have a margarita, or a piece of coconut cake, I figure it in to my numbers for the day and adjust accordingly! (Of course, I write EVERYTHING down in a diet diary, otherwise, things add up really fast!) Who knew one little blueberry muffin can have over 500 calories! That's more than one-third of my "daily allowance"! I have found that I've eaten more vegetables in the last year+ than I've eated in the last 10 years - bulky, but low cal, and, GASP, healthy!

The second bit of good news is that, so far, I've lost more than 75 pounds and 5 dress sizes! That's really amazing to write! Everyone keeps telling me how much better I look, I can climb stairs, walk more than 5 blocks, park farther away than the first aisle to the store, wear high heels again, and dare to wear sleeveless shirts! I do still have about 50 pounds to go, but this is the most success I've ever had, and lasted the longest of any change. (I did hope that, after a while, I'd stop craving cheese, chips, desserts, and start craving veggies, chicken, tofu?! DIDN'T HAPPEN.)

Here's the problem. For the past 4 months or so, I've been bouncing around the same 10 pounds. I'll drop 4, gain 6. Drop 5, gain 3. Up and down, up and down. It's not that I'm plateauing, I keep sabotaging myself. I'll do great for a week, then blow it on potstickers and egg foo young, or a bacon cheeseburger and fries, or cake, or a steak and potato dinner, or whatever. (Why do 200 extra calories in one day add two pounds?? That math doesn't work!!) The last 6 months have really been stressful -- I'm job hunting, a close family member has completely changed personality (that's another story), my sister (a large percent of my support system) is up to her eyeballs in her own stuff, and I just feel pretty lost.

I keep trying to focus on the positives of the weight lost, but I'm increasingly frustrated with myself! I'm below 200 for the first time in probably 18 years...why am I having such an issue with continuing the progress? I don't know if I'm just afraid of what reaching my goal would mean to my life? If being below 200 has just knocked me for a loop? If the weight has been some sort of (excuse the pun) cushion in my life? I DO keep recommitting to my plan (I'm back down 3 pounds this week!), that's the positive sign, but, why am I getting in my own way with this? And how do I let it go...literally?