WHY?

"Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I find someone? Why are the guys I meet such jerks? Why are all the chicks I meet only interested in money? Why can’t I meet the one? Why are relationships so hard? Why can’t I just be happy with someone?"

The list of “why” questions people torture themselves with is endless. Some might say these questions are unanswerable. I disagree. Usually, there is a universal and simple answer to most of life’s relationship ‘why’ questions. The answer is: YOU.

If you’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships and don’t know why, instead of looking to external factors to place blame, I suggest you look in the mirror. Before you fly off the handle, calm down and let me explain. Relationships are choices. They are personal and professional choices we make and enter into, most times, of our own volition.

Healthy relationships begin with self-awareness, self-understanding, and the capacity to accept responsibility for one’s choices and actions. Many people haven’t a clue about what kind of man or woman they’d like to meet and, incredibly, don’t understand why they haven’t met them yet. It’s the equivalent of saying you want to take a vacation and then aimlessly wandering around the airport terminal trying to decide upon a destination.

Know who you are and what you want. If you don’t already have a good sense of yourself; please take some time to figure it out, and then begin your relationship search. It’s unwise trying to find yourself through another.

Some people have no trouble finding and beginning relationships, but these relationships never seem to work. Why? The answer is they’re more than likely making the same relationship choices over and over again, but with boyfriend or girlfriend du jour. It’s tempting to believe, “different person-fresh start;” but many people carry the same relationship baggage in different packages. If you continue to do as you have always done, you will ever arrive to the same end.

Some blindly choose relationships that recreate unresolved early parental ones or unrequited adolescent attachments. Some adults have difficulty moving forward in the present because they’ve allowed their lives and relationship choices to be defined by events in their past.

Being a grown-up and having grown-up relationships means letting go of what happened there and then, way back when, and accepting responsibility for your choices in the here and now. Some blindly choose relationships that initially mirror the unrealistic, idealized romantic ones they see in films and on television. If you don’t like where you are in your life and the quality of your relationships, it’s up to you to do something about it.

If you want healthier, long lasting relationships, explore what led you to choose past relationships, what needs or roles they may have successfully and/or unsuccessfully met, and what you can do differently in the future. No, I don’t mean going to sports bars instead of martini bars or taking an adult education class. It doesn’t matter where you go, you bring yourself along. I’m referring to the criteria employed in choosing your past dates and mates. Maybe you’re focusing on the wrong qualities and attributes. Move past the flash (those qualities you find irresistible but lead nowhere) and get down to the essentials.
Creating change is like a mathematical equation: if you want a different outcome, you must change at least one variable. We gravitate toward the familiar, even if it’s unbearable and no longer viable. Oftentimes, the more painful a situation, the harder it is to remove yourself, even when you desperately want the alternative. Real change is rare and difficult. Being a psychologist, I call this JOB SECURITY.

Before you jump into the world of dating, reflect on your past relationships and choices. Ask yourself, “What have I learned and what can I do differently?” rather than “Why can’t I just meet someone and be happy?”