I certainly didn’t think I was alone in my disjointed need for attention from my male counterparts, but more and more I realize that I have quite a following of young ladies who are daddy hungry as well.
Thursday I was sitting in the sauna with my friend and we started divulging our upbringing. I heard a similar tale. Absent father. Translated into later life paths of an incessant need to fill his shoes in unsuspecting romantic partners; older romantic partners, guys happy to have some young tail to tote around in hopes of counteracting their own biological clock. Little do they know, however, as females starved for authoritative male affection, we bask in the attention.
Its not my place to compare my situation to someone who never had the chance to even look her father in the eye. Abandonment is another emotion to be considered. The level of severity is not to be trivialized.
But with that said, what I do know is the presence of a body alone a daddy does not make. For those of us who did have the privilege of living with all of our basic needs met, i.e., food, shelter, maybe even family vacations and a paid education, we were left to take the role of provider a step further.
Once we hit puberty - for girls this may start around age 10 - male role model takes on another definition altogether. We seek affirmation, guidance, affection. It is at this age which shapes our future as women and our relationship with men. For those who had this role adequately filled by their father (or similar segregate), they often grow up confident in their own role as women and similarly in the dynamics of their male peers, sexual or other. They have a base of comparison, a standard if you will, in which all others from then on must live up to.
But what if there was never a standard set? What if the affirmation and affection was left out? The confidence to please, to attract, is left astray, only to be haphazardly patched together as we grow into adulthood. Male attention becomes an insatiable quest, and unfortunately for some, acquired through less than healthy venues.
We are attracted to what we know. If our father physically abused us, we may believe we deserve no less (or more). If our father projected emotional ambivalence, we cant seem to get enough of the man who makes us work incessantly for returned affections, knowing full well (unconsciously at least) that they will in fact never be returned. No amount of attention will ever be enough, as it is put in the hands of unsuspecting guys sincere or otherwise, with hardly the capabilities to fill this void. Multiple sexual partners, sexual promiscuity, infidelity, and consistent sabotage of relationships often drag us through our twenties and maybe even into our thirties.
But most of the women I have spoken to, myself included, are well aware of this behavioral pattern. So if this is the case, why cant it be broken? Why cant recognition promote change? Unfortunately, it is not quite that simple. Because in reality, as we continue to grow up and mature into functioning adults, there still remains the stunted 12 year old girl who truly believed she just was not good enough to receive the attention she so desperately required. This may seem ridiculous, worthy of a scoff and a “not me”. But it could quite possibly be just that innate. How else can one account for the complete disconnect of recognition and actual practiced behavior when the choice is consciously made?
I suppose change can only come from the source of the insecurity itself. But confronting the issue (and your father) head on is hardly an easy feat. And for some, down right frightening. Because as much as we crave the affirmation, we equally as such fear the rejection. Where do we begin to look our father in the eye to seek an explanation where one may not be provided? Finding nothing but a dead end to our inquiry may quite possibly be the case.
My first reaction is to demand why I wasn’t important enough to receive the time and effort. How did he not understand how instrumental a role he played in the person standing before him now? A young woman slightly damaged and incomplete because of cold shoulder and an absent interest.
What causes the disconnect I am still unsure. Projected emotional ambivalence is an epidemic of a great proportion among the male population and deserving of another discussion altogether. At 26, it has taken me quite a long time to become objective about my own behavior and its root cause; no longer take personally the ambivalence and emotional neglect. Anger and hurt over the long term can turn into grudges held and a comfortable position as role of the victim. But we know this is neither a healthy or productive venue to sustain.
So when the confidence and self worth didn’t come from where it needed to and wont come from those in whom we tirelessly seek, where can it be established? Another tough question indeed. Ideally, a little pep talk in the mirror would be a great quick fix, but it is not quite that simple.
Where answers may never be satisfactory, the healing must come from within. It is that critical moment when we look at our reflections, past the aesthetic, and ask the tough questions. It's easy to dig back into the past and point fingers and place blame for our shortcomings and emotional baggage. But really, as adults, we alone are responsible for the decisions we make and for those whom we choose to desire.
It could be that we are more comfortable constantly hungry for the type of attention we'll never receive, rather than have to face the reality of sincerity we aren't equipped deal with; old habits and familiarities die-hard, creating a comfort zone and limitations for our future behavior. In reality, the absence of a male role model when it mattered most simply cannot and will not ever replaced by any and every man in whom we’ve ever tried in earnest to dedicate the role.

Finally accepting this truth is the first step to moving on and beginning to heal and forgive those who have had such an impact on the reflection in the mirror. This is not to say it is an easy step to make. This is not to say it wont come about without painful acknowledgment of the decisions made and situations and partners we’ve acquired on a self destructive path, leading us to this point in time and the connection of past and present. Because all we can change is the future and it is never too late to get on the right track to a healthy relationship less the need for daddy role fulfilled.