When do you stop giving?

Posted by Betty on February 5, 2008 8:56 PM PST

Tags: Love, Betty, giver, romance, selfish, Soul Searching

Recommend this? YES NO

What do you do when in a world full of takers, you're the giver. The one who
is available 24/7 for anyone. When do you finally say enough is enough?

I've always been taught that you're supposed to give unconditionally and
expect nothing in return. When you do someone a favor, you do it because you
care for that person and not because you expect something in return. But
it's hard for me to not feel disappointed when I feel that someone I would do
anything for, wouldn't do the same for me.

I would love to be selfish and just say NO sometimes. But for some
reason I can't. I care too much about people. I worry for people. I would
give someone the last dollar in my bank account if I felt they needed it. But
there has to be some sort of boundary line. I've struggled with this for
so long. The inability to say no to people sometimes feels like a curse. I am
constantly being taken advantage of and it’s starting to really bother me.

So what do you do when you’re just too nice?

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3 Comments

Oh girlfriend, I hear ya. I used to give until my battery was drained to empty. I did so, because I had a need to be liked...err...to be loved.

I get that you care, and I commend you for caring. I really do. Aside from caring, what truly stands in your way of saying "no". What are you most afraid if you say "no"? What do you get from giving to people who are just taking?

Sorry for all the questions. Getting really clear on the pay off of giving to folks who do not give in return is a great place to start.

Betty, saying "no" when you really want to does not make you an uncaring or selfish person. It actually makes you quite the opposite, because you are doing what is in your best interest so you can be the best you possible in order to give to the people are willing to give in return. And here is the other cool thing, when you start giving to yourself by saying "no" to takers, you strengthen who you are until sooner or later the takers are replaced by other like-minded, like-hearted givers.

Just my two cents. Please keep sharing. :)

Posted by Pam Thomas on February 6, 2008 8:50 AM PST

Hi Betty,

You are raising an issue that, believe it or not, plagues us all--even the so-called "takers!" I have a couple of thoughts to share with you. Please bear with me if they come across as being a bit "harse." First, in your post, you say, "it's hard for me to not feel disappointed when I feel that someone I would do anything for, wouldn't do the same for me." If this is truly the case then you are not "giving" unconditionally! Think about it. Second, and this supports Pam's "two cents, if "constantly being taken advantage of" REALLY does bother you, then what are YOU going to do about it? The setting of "boundaries" enables us to be our "selves," and not someone else or someone else's creation of ourselves. And while the setting (and maintaining) of boundaries is never easy, it IS necessary and IS healthy. But, it will require that you not be a "prisoner of your own thoughts" (O.K., I wrote a book with a similar title!), and that you realize and accept personal responsibility for YOUR life. In other words, don't blame it on the "takers," which is a vicious circle and creates an "oh, poor me," victim mentality while, at the same time, gives away your personal power to the very people whom you are blaming for your circumstances! And if you continue to feel like a "prisoner of your own thoughts," please read my book! :) (Actually, I'm serious!). All the best, Alex

Alex Pattakos, Ph.D.
Author of Prisoners of Our Thoughts:
Viktor Frankl's Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work
Email: alex@prisonersofourthoughts.com
Web: www.prisonersofourthoughts.com

Posted by Dr. Alex Pattakos on February 18, 2008 5:59 PM PST

Selfishness is the human condition. We are all selfish and even in our supposed selflessness of helping others, we are really serving ourselves. One does not do something for nothing. Everything that you do has a purpose and you gain something out of it, or you would not do it. Saying no is not selfish, it is self love of a sort. If you do not say no sometimes, you risk becoming a martyr and that will keep the cycle going.