Hi Amanda:

In your post you also asked:

Do words like "privacy" and "space" even exist in most marriages?

The answer is a resounding YES!! And when they don’t, they are (words) concepts and behaviors that partners must begin to explore, learn about and practice ASAP.

The quiet time we spend just b-e-i-n-g with each other is like the mortar between the bricks of a building. The merging of our bodies, minds and spirits when we are experiencing our deepest, most sensual and sexual selves is the time when we don’t know where we stop and where our partner starts.

The very idea of “privacy” and “space” can be terrifying for some people. They perceive the distance that is the normal, natural consequence of private time and being in personal space a violation of the commitment to be together.

People need varying degrees of alone time. Invariably the person who needs very little alone time is partnered with the person who has intense needs for “privacy” and “space.”

Have you ever heard men and women talk about the stupid fights they have? Stupid being the operative word.

Many people lack the relationship skills to ask for and create personal time. So they pick a (stupid) fight; which results in one or the other stomping off; and Voila! Alone time.

Privacy and creating space are very common boundary conversations that get people in a lot of hot water. These are essential relationship success skills; and generally misunderstood and avoided.

Watch for an article that will tell you, in detail, how to have this conversation coming soon!

Dr. Jackie

Hi Rob and Amanda:

One of the most problematic dynamics in a relationship occurs if I need or want something that doesn’t match for you; or worse, that negatively impacts you in some way.

Because you are not me and I am not you, there will be times in our relationship when we need or want different or divergent things. Couples should expect this.

The problem isn’t that this happens. The problem is that most couples don’t have the skills to work through these events when they occur.

Let’s take a step back for a moment and clarify two things:

1. One of the basic underlying assumptions that is at work in our relationship all the time is that each of us will act with good will and with good intention.

NOTE: When I say…basic underlying assumptions…I am referring to the specific agreements related to beliefs, behaviors, attitudes and values that we carefully craft and that we both agree to as we build our relationship; and that we both reasonably expect and rely on from each other.

2. A boundary is NOT a barrier. Remember: Boundaries define our deepest sense of self. Setting boundaries makes others feel safe around us and allows us to feel safe in our environment; and take good care of ourselves.

That said, in a relationship between adults who are invested in the well-being of each other; one partner wouldn’t set a boundary in a vacuum or without sitting down and having a conversation with his or her partner before setting the boundary or after setting the boundary; especially if the partner might be or is in fact “hurt” by the boundary.

Here are a couple of the things I know about my partner in a healthy relationship between emotionally intelligent people:

1. My partner is committed to being present with me with good will and with good intention.

2. My partner is interested in how I am affected by him/her.

3. How I am affected/negatively impacted by my partner matters to him or to her.

My wonderful husband and soul-mate, Mark, died in the summer of 2005 after a courageous battle with colon cancer. About a year earlier he noticed he wasn’t sleeping well and that he had become hypersensitive to the ambient noise around him at night, especially Sophie’s snoring (our 110 lb. Bernese Mountain Dog). He carefully considered all the “good options” (barring Sophie from the bedroom wasn’t an option at all– good or bad) and he decided to try ear plugs.

He researched all the ear plugs and decided to test some that were supposed to have the best noise barrier, be the most comfortable… He bought them and that fateful night put them in his ears to test them out. They worked very well. So he “tested” them out a second night and they were fabulous again.

Except, that I didn’t know he was “testing” ear plugs. When we were cuddling before we fell asleep and as we are waking up he wasn’t responding to the soft nothings I was whispering in his ear. It was very curious and it felt terrible, if I tell the truth about it.

I was taking some time that second morning to figure out exactly what I wanted to say about what I perceived to be a change in our intimacy; and he announced that he found these stupendous ear plugs that deadened all the noise around him and created a peace and quiet he had longed for for months.

Quite spontaneously I burst into tears. He had found Nirvana and I felt completely closed off from him and in the worst kind of no-win situation.

It was clear we needed to talk. We set a time to talk later on that day; a time when we could both be absolutely present without distractions and the pressures of outside obligations.

When we sat down in our favorite place to have “heart-to-hearts” I told him what it was like for me being on the other side of the ear plugs and how utterly rejected and abandoned I felt.

Here’s what I knew about my husband:
1. Mark was committed to being present with me with good will and with good intention.
2. Mark was interested in how I was affected by his choices and behavior.
3. It mattered deeply to him how I was affected/negatively impacted by his choices and behavior.

AND…
1. I was committed to being present with Mark with good will and with good intention.
2. I was interested in how he was affected by my choices and behavior; and my (legitimate) needs in this case.
3. It mattered deeply to me how he was affected/negatively impacted by my choices and behavior; and my (legitimate) needs in this case.

So, the container that we had created (as we were building our relationship) for this and many other difficult conversations served us very well.

Because I knew with clarity and certainty that my needs and my feelings were important to him; and because he knew with the same clarity and certainty that his well-being was a priority to me, we were able to discuss our conflicting requirements to (Mark) hear nothing during the night; and (DJB) be heard deeply during the night.

We were able to create – together – a very do-able way to honor and respect each other’s (legitimate) boundaries and needs; and take good care of ourselves; and do so in a way that was not at the expense of the other.

So in closing let me make the point very directly: Setting, honoring and maintaining boundaries is FOR us, NOT against anyone else. In an emotionally literate relationship, there are always acceptable options that honor the requirements, needs and wants of BOTH partners.

Before you try to problem solve a conflict, repair a hurt, or decide that you are the big, bad wolf for setting a boundary, explore the underlying assumptions of your relationship (the agreements and commitments that are the soldier beams of the relationship structure) and be sure they are clear and solidly in place.

Without them your deepest fears will be running the show! Remember, its ADULTS ONLY in relationships!!

Dr. Jackie

My boundaries have hurt people before and it was never my intention to do so. It's one of the most uncomfortable situations. If one person feels the need for boundaries and the other person feels offended by those boundaries, obviously, there are bigger issues that need to be addressed.

Do words like "privacy" and "space" even exist in most marriages? At times, it's quite romantic to envision Eros washing away the notion of boundaries as separate identities between soul-mates become indistinct. However, in the practical world where that type of love fades, boundaries become a necessity.

How do you explain that to the person who loves you without any boundaries of their own?

OK, Dr Jackie, i like the post. But let me pose a question. Sometimes in a relationship there is a sticky dynamic where one party tries to set a boundary that is comfortable for them, but it feels exclusionary to the other person. As if they are being shut out or exiled. This can feel painful for the person who feels shut out. And of course it feels totally dysfunctional for the person who is setting the boundary. I would wager that quite a few relationships run into unexpected trouble around this issue. What's your perspective on how to handle this? How would you recommend that someone in a relationship set a boundary without hurting the person you love most?

Hi Mark:
I am very glad to hear that you recignize the value of setting and maintaining bondaries; that you actually have included this all-important behavior in your relationship success toolkit; AND that you are discussing the whole area of boundaries with folks arond you! Bravo. Take good care, Mark! Warmly, Dr. Jackie

Dr. Black,

Good read. This is a very important behavioral mechanism for people who do not follow to start. For many years my boundaries were porous, better yet, non existent. With modifcations it's made life obviously better. Just recently I was in a discussion with a friend at my gym and I was trying to convey your bullet points to her to help her improve her relationship with her current boyfriend. I recommended she join the site and share her story, I'm not sure if she took me up on it, but I will make it a point that she take a peek at this piece.