I've known for awhile that someday I'd go on a Vision Quest. And someday came earlier this year when an overwhelming urge surfaced and demanded, "NOW!" In his book, Soulcraft, Bill Plotkin likens the calling to an adventure of the soul to standing at a window or door with a storm approaching, and while everyone flees, you wade in, because this storm has your name on it. That's exactly how it felt to me. Plotkin says this calling is often accompanied by "tremors" in your life. For me, they manifested in my resignation from the Board of a coaching organization, difficulties with another coaching group, and major challenges in my marriage. Five years of personal growth work, starting with my training as a life coach, have changed me significantly. I've gone from a 35-year engineering/project management career at NASA to a second career in "retirement" as a coach, seeker and wanderer. The ground was very definitely moving under my feet.

So, I hopped onto the internet and did some research, and selected the Animas Valley Institute (AVI) in Durango, CO. AVI is a non-profit founded by Bill Plotkin, and his book, mentioned above, was a stunning introduction to the journey I was embarking on. (I highly recommend the book and AVI, which also offers programs other than Vision Quests.)

The logistics: The quest took place over 12 days in late April. The first three were spent in a retreat center in Cortez, CO called Kelly Place, a fascinating blend of rustic B&B and archaeological site, with Pueblo ruins and two restored kivas on site. On the fourth day (my birthday), five questers and two guides drove to the Manti-La Sal National Forest in Utah, hiked nearly straight down into Mystery Canyon and set up base camp. Tarps, no tents. Treating our own water. Two days of dreamwork, wandering, council. Third day the fasting began - water only - and I went out to find my solo site for the next three days. Pouring, 40-degree rain turned to driving snow as I ascended toward my solo site. Snow turned back to rain at base camp, but continued all night. On the next (fourth) day, I broke camp and, with all of my warm weather clothes soaked (my raingear wasn't truly waterproof), hiked to my solo site to spend the next three days and nights alone and fasting. Sun came out and, except for a brief shower, weather for my solo was warm and sunny. On the seventh day, I stumbled back to base camp, re-introduced food into my system, and we processed in council. On the eighth day, we broke camp and hiked straight up out of Mystery Canyon and drove back to Cortez. Took my first shower in eight days. Processed some more, then said our goodbyes the next afternoon.

Now for the learnings. My Vision Quest knocked me on my butt and shifted my perspective entirely. 1) I realized that my attractions and difficulties were projections and transference symptomatic of my deep, deep longing for soul connection. I realized that the work to be done is mine, not my wife's or the other people in my life. This was a great relief to me, and got me unstuck big time. 2) I've gained a new reverence for my body. As a fat kid and teenager, I'd learned not to trust my body, instead relying on my mind for performance and protection. Even though I slimmed down as an adult, I've never been satisfied with my body. And despite the years of rejection, it came through in the clutch - wet, cold, tired, fasting, no sleep - grounding me, not complaining, not getting sick, calling on unknown reserves of strength. 3) I realize that I need to manage my passion and not overcommit to noble causes and projects. My desire to make a difference, and to “do”, can drive me to ignore my spiritual side. I'm trying to be more prudent in my commitments.

I've told folks that I left for the quest in one piece but not at peace, and returned at peace but in pieces. The pieces are still orbiting, the imaginal cells are still organizing in the goo. I have faith and am committed to the changes taking place in me and my life. My return has been met with challenges in the "doing" world. Some of them have been unavoidable, and I deal with them as I feel the grains of the quest experience slipping through my fingers. Much of the time I prefer to be alone, my work seems so much easier there. It's as though I yearn for the true Hero's Journey of going away to be transformed, only then to return. Like any personal growth program, coming down off the mountain can be a challenge: sustainability is elusive.

For about a week after the quest, I swore I'd never do another one. Now I know that's a lie. I know that I got, am getting, everything I could out of this experience. And, at the right time, I'll venture out again and, without the distractions of logistics and never having camped before, go deeper still.

Blessed
I come seeking treasure.
I leave bearing dreams.
I am blessed.

It's really easy, in our busy, busy lives, to ignore the spiritual side. Especially, as Bill Plotkin describes it, "that vital, mysterious, and wild core of our individual selves, an essence unique to each person", our soul. And that there's extraordinary wisdom there. Not to mention the pieces of ourselves that we've hidden away, often at someone else's bidding. Poet Robert Bly says our first twenty years are spent stuffing 90 percent of ourselves into "the long black bag we drag behind us", and the rest of our life is spent attempting to get those items back. I've learned there are some pretty amazing parts of me in that bag.