Valentine's Day: From Dreading and Treading to Loving and Adoring

I really used to dread Valentine’s Day. When I saw all the flowers, cards, red hearts, and boxes of chocolate, I’d think, I wish I had someone to send me flowers. If I didn’t have a date on February 14th, I felt like a loser. I'd even avert my eyes as I passed by the "Special Holiday" aisle at my local grocery store. I used to wrap up all my hopes and wishes into this one day, waiting for the perfect date, only to end up disappointed. Whether I was in a relationship or not, my primary goal was to just survive the day.

Last year I was so excited - I was out of a long-term relationship and starting to date agin and I got asked out on date for Valentine’s Day! Finally I could publicly celebrate it without shame. I didn’t know the guy very well and this was only our second date. But so what? I finally had what I wanted. We did everything right and according to plan. He brought me chocolates. We went ice skating on Michigan Avenue in Chicago and then went out for a lovely Italian dinner. As we were sitting there dining by candlelight on pasta and tiramisu, I thought: Here I am with this nice guy, having a perfectly good time. So why do I feel so empty? I didn’t really feel connected to my date, and I found myself watching what I would say because I didn’t want to ruin the evening. Something wasn’t right. I realized that having a date, even a perfect date, was not the answer. So if the date wasn’t the answer, then what was?

I began talking about this emptiness I was feeling despite having the perfect Valentine's Day date and I realized how ridiculous it was for ONE day to be THE day for love. I want connection every day. I want to be myself with whoever I'm with all the time! Today is Valentine's Day and I'm proud to say that I don't dread it!

It's really just one day of 365 in which I can have connection, intimacy, and love in many ways. I've consciously chosen how I want to spend the day - breakfast with a very good friend of mine, I'm getting flowers for myself today as a token of filling my life with beautiful, natural things, and I am going with several single friends to a Valentine's event tonight!

Here are some of the suggestions that come from myself and the singles in our singles program to have help transform your day:

Use Valentine’s Day to your advantage and treat it as a “practice” day. Valentine’s day is a great excuse to make connections. It’s a day when it’s “legal” to make contact and reach out to people you meet, even with something as simple as wishing them a Happy Valentine’s Day.

Forget about the pressure of Valentine’s Day. We all want to feel close to other people. You don’t need a day or a date to do that. Make it happen all year long. Set up a regular email or phone “date” with friends to help get the connection that you have been looking for.

Expand your vision of what’s possible. Meaningful relationships aren’t created only by long, romantic walks by the ocean or candlelit dinner. Brainstorm all the ways you can connect with others, whether it’s a quick handwritten thank-you note to a coworker or an entertaining dinner at home with friends. Tell someone you care about them—and it doesn’t have to be just a romantic interest. Let your friends, family, coworkers—anyone—know how much they mean to you. I would add to this, tell someone the truth - love doesn't have to sweet nothings (which sort of are really nothing), it can be letting someone know what your honest feelings are, whether you're angry with them, hurt, or scared of getting closer.

Make your life a date. Treat yourself the way you would when you get ready for a date. Wear what you feel good in and create a welcoming space in your home—one that you would want to walk into at the end of the day. Put on your favorite music while you get ready for work or for a night out with friends. Create a delicious meal for yourself and set the table beautifully, with candles, flowers, and placemats.
 

Take yourself out. Don’t wait for the perfect invitation; create a fun time, anytime, anywhere, by taking yourself out! Want to go to the opera? Do it! Get a single ticket, even the day of the show—you might get a great seat too! Don't wait.