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Use Every Irritation For You Upliftment and Growth!
My ex-boyfriend flew in a few days ago from Seattle. We were in a long distance relationship for many years. Then two years ago we broke up, but we haven’t stopped talking on the phone with each other. As a result, it’s been challenging to date other people. In an effort to assist each other in moving on with our lives, whether that means to be together as a couple or just friends, we decided to spend a week together at my home in Los Angeles and come to a resolution.
Given the short amount of time to figure things out, my radar was on alert and every little inner and outer disturbance was intensified.
What I noticed in the last couple of days is how often I become irritated.
Like for example, it makes me crazy when he hovers around me like a flying saucer and monitors my actions and reactions. I know some woman would love the undivided attention, but for me it brings up suffocation and sends me into my “inner meany mode.” Yes, my “inner meany” comes out and wants to be hurtful. Once I’m hurtful, I immediately feel guilty and go into “I’m a horrible person mode” where I beat up the “inner meany” and then try to act overly nice to compensate for being mean.
Well, I finally had it and at 3:00 am last night I decided to resolve the cycle once and for all. I realized I had to go deeper, so I asked myself:
“What is the learning here for me?”
The answer I received was that the learning is kindness and tolerance.
Whether it’s him or another person, the teachers will show up to give us the lessons that we have come here to learn. One of mine is to be kind even when I have every reason to be mean and hurtful.
That’s what relationships are essentially for: to assist us in healing old patterns and in opening up our hearts to giving and receiving unconditional love in the present moment.
I think on some deep level I've always known that, which is why I haven’t just moved on to the "next guy." Essentially the pattern repeats itself, if not dealt with.
Have you noticed how a partner will often remind you of someone from the past, a friend, ex-lover or even a parent? How often do woman end up marrying men that remind them of their fathers or men that marry woman that remind them of their mothers. Well there are no coincidence folks. If your sweetie reminds you of a parent and you have some unresolved hurt, then you’ll probably end up projecting that hurt all over your love.
Our soul will do everything it can to pull in the people and situations that will help us heal and help us lift out of our deepest judgments and irrational beliefs about ourselves and life.
As for me and my ex, I think that the awareness that he is my teacher and that we are on a journey of healing, learning, growth and forgiveness is helping me be a nicer more loving person. It doesn’t really matter if by the end of this week we decide to get back together as a couple, or move on in our own separate ways. Now that I have insight into the deeper purpose of this relationship, I feel free inside of myself, which is priceless.
The Dalai Lama often says that “Without enemies you could not fully engage in the practice of patience — tolerance and forbearance.” The same goes for ex boyfriends.
comments
Thanks for sharing your lessons with us!
Jillian
Thank you for a great reminder. I love the quote from the Dalai Lama. I had never heard it before.
I came across a quote, years ago, that said "the people that cause us the most pain are our greatest spiritual teachers."
It sounded like a load of crap at first as I imagined a mother, for instance, losing her child to a murderer. Tell me, how is that killer her greatest spiritual teacher?!
The way I saw it, my greatest "spiritual" teacher was my best friend who had never, ever hurt me. He always kept his word, he was most thoughtful, and was simply too much of a pacifist to cause anyone any pain.
It was only when he passed away that I was able to see that quote in a new light. I went through the typical run of emotions: shock, devastation, then deep anger and betrayal at my friend who basically promised me that he'd always be there.
In fact, I remember it quite well. The last time I saw him, he was all set to fly back home to another country. Also, the week preceding our last moments together, I had a pit in my stomach, a vague sadness at the thought that whenever someone leaves, especially to a far-off country, who knows where life will take them, who knows if they'll ever return.
So as we stood before each other saying our goodbyes, my friend noticed the sorrow that I tried to contain and with a broad smile said, "don't worry, we'll see each other again." "You promise?" I asked. "I promise," he replied. Unsatisfied with his response, I grabbed him, out of nowhere, shook him by the shoulders, and demanded that he promise me again.
He was quite taken aback by my sudden display of emotion and laughed with a trace of being flattered. "I promise!" was his emphatic response and we hugged. With that, I was at peace. I felt that I had gotten a soul promise. I don't even have to miss him, I thought to myself, there's no way he can back out of this one or forget because he got too carried away with life. Immediately, that heavy feeling got lighter as I was assured, beyond a doubt, that nothing would change regarding our bond.
Imagine how pissed off I was when he drowned a few months later. Why the hell did he have to go and do that for? He went from never lying to me, to telling me the greatest lie I've ever heard in my life! I was in limbo asking myself, what it all meant? How could it all have gone down like this...and WHY?
The greater the pain, the greater the lesson, the greater the teacher whom I've since come to forgive. Although our bond is now more intact than ever, for lack of a better word, the entire affair still sucks! Still, I had to conclude, there's no better person to have rooting for me on the other side.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, From the Heart, and for reinforcing the fact that any of us may be called upon to teach another. Consequently, (perhaps unfortunately) it behooves us to recognize and uphold the deeper purpose within all our relationships.
This is so true Amanda. Thank you for your heart felt sharing. Yes, it "sucks," but not onbly do you have a lovely soul on the other side who's got your back ;), but you have so much wosdom to share whith us. Thank You!
Thanks Robert,
I just found it myself!
Blessings and hope you are well.
Hi Inessa,
What great insight you have, what a great heart you have, what a great awareness you have..
I'm glad that you didn't allow meanie to blow the house down, but instead you altered your awareness and opened yourself up for growth.
congratulations.
beth