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Tool to Increase Awareness about You and Your Dates
If you are back in the dating world and tempted to settle into a relationship out of comfort, or need help reading your feelings on a dating situation, here's a great tool taken from Berne's Transactional Analysis theory (check Wikipedia for a definition). We all have a "child", "parent" and "adult" within our psyche. After each date, journal a paragraph on your feelings/thoughts from the viewpoint of the "child" and "parent", and then use the "adult" to reconcile the two. It helps to decide next steps in the dating adventure and helps balance out the excitement of possibilities and the reality of a good match for the long-term.
When I did this, I noticed that I usually had two conflicting sides after a date: the childish side, totally hopeful, romantic, and optimistic, clashing with an over-critical and demanding parent listing the reasons that the relationship could never work. These two extremes resulted in either my falling into fantasy with my date while denying all red flags, or being so repelled that I would disengage from any second date. Journaling as an "adult" helped reconcile the two extremes and let me see where I wanted and needed to go on my next date. I had and still have more engaging dates and substance-filled relationships rather than affairs to forget.
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I'm fascinated by the idea of this. And I actually went a totally different direction with it. I thought it's meant to ask, how as a child do you feel like this person could be motherly to you, and how do you as a parent feel like you may be taking care of your child. And I thought the adult's role is to ask if that's really a healthy dynamic or are you living out past issues as a kid. Perhaps I went too Freudian with it! :)
Jill,
Great suggestion! While I haven't been in the dating world for 17 years, I have plenty of friends who have had to re-enter and this will no-doubt be a crowd-pleasing tip. I feel this could apply to married or committed partners as well--particularly during or after a difficult exchange. We all tend to fall into the parent/child dynamics in our relationships. If we can figure ourselves out, then we will go a long way toward more fulfilling and harmonious relationships.
Thanks for the tip!
Peace and Light,
Teri Johnson
Spiritual Life Coach
Guiding You Into Authenticity with Grace
Richman, you certainly did go Freudian there, but as a psychodynamic therapist, i am proud of you:). Jillian, I think this is such a great idea and i know i will use it and find it very helpful. I find myself constantly entering into and staying in dating situations from the child's idealistic, love will conquer all mentality, despite the red flags that all of the "parents" around me are throwing my way. I don't want to give up that romantic, somewhat idealistic side of me, but my oh my has it caused a lot of heartbreak because I didn't let that ADULT perspective in. Realizing the distinction between the PARENT and the ADULT is also extremely interesting as i think we have a tendency to think that they might be synonomous when they really don't have to be...Thanks! :)
I'm confused about someone. Rather, I'm confused about my desires in relation to another person. Do I want more? In reality, can I handle more? Will I feel constricted if there is more? Do I want this person exclusively or do I simply want to feel wanted by anybody? Great tip Jillian! I'm going to have a round-table discussion with the those three people that live in my head.
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