Titillation vs. Meaning

If you don't like it, don't read it. You can have both titilation and a meaningful relationship. In fact, the most meaningful relationships comprise both.

Seems to me people also want a forum to talk about sex, not just boring dates. I've read some of your posts and don't find them especilly helpful and definitely not titlating. It's not 1957 and we're not Doris Day

Sex is just as important part of a healthy relationship as going on hay rides and pizza dates or whatever your idea of romance is. Bad sex, inhibition and not being able to ask for what you want is the undoing of many a relationship.

Give me a break. The posts I've written and read are talking about sex usually in the context of relationship. Please.

SOS

My first question. Shouldn't coaches stay neautral? You are here to give advice on a level of experience not on a level of morality. Im sorry that in the real life, alot of americans can't be in relationships. People are busy and dont have time or want relationships. Im not like that, but I don't judge or hate others that are.

Sex is very important for alot of people, whether you are in a relationship or its just a friend. People need sex. Couples need it to stay stong and stay connected. If the sex is bad then the relationship is bad.

Second question. Why does it matter what we say. So what you can't relate to mine or other posts. Then don't read them! Im sure some can relate and enjoy reading. This isn't a right wing christian "no sex before marrage" website. In real life, people have sex and it may not be with a life long partner. You dont agree, well thats fine but thats what works for them. Their perspective is just as valid as yours. I don't write "I can't believe all these woman want relationships"! I dont because I know not all are like me and look for the same things as me.

Use you coaching abilities to help people with their problems not criticize and judge who they are or what they do.

Sexuality is part of adult relationships and, like it or not, adolescent relationships. Not discussing sex in the LOVE forum is...what's the word I'm looking for...nonsensical? Absurd? Naive?

There are all kinds of relationships. Some people prefer primarily sexual ones. To call them not meaningful is judgmental and, quite possibly, inaccurate.

In my 20's, I had several relationships that, in my heart, knew wouldn't result in a lifelong commitment. They centered primarily around sex and pleasant companionship. That was all the meaning and commitment I wanted or could handle at the time.

I don't regret a single one of them. FYI, they were meaningful experiences in their own way and helped shape who I am today. Even for those in committed relationships, I'd argue that sex doesn't need to be nor should it be meaningful all the time- well, not if you're doing it right!

Sometimes, you just want to get l--d, not "connect to another's soul." When I'm "in flagrante," I'm not coherent, much less trying to make meaning. Not everything in life has to have meaning attached to it. Sometimes, you've gotta take the lid off the id.

Finally, there are individuals who use and confuse physical intimacy with emotional intimacy, which is potentially and ultimately hurtful. Presently in my development, I have the most gratifying sex with men I share a high level of emotional, intellectual and physical intimacy. However, as MTN wrote, what's fulfilling for me may not be for others. Who am I to judge? I'd hope that's something we can also discuss in these forums.

TJP

It's possible to have both, no? I hear what you're saying Jillian and I agree that too much of anything, is just plain lopsided. Peoplejam needs healthy user and coach symbiosis. As a "romantic," I think about "meaning" and "relationship" all the time, even when I'm getting car-insurance, but sometimes we all need a break from all that "meaning..."

There are some atheists out there that are perfectly content with the thought that in the end, life has no meaning. I could argue with them until I'm blue in the face, there would be no point. But at least, we both got to test our beliefs, learn more about each other and about ourselves.

That's more important than both titillation and meaning put together.

Thanks for sharing your honest perspective.

SOS,

Perhaps my blog was too brief and left much to be interpreted about my real question although it has certainly created a stir.

What is your issue with my postings? It seems that you are being pretty judgemental without letting me know what you want. I'd rather you ask for what you want and blog responsibly on posts that you don't find helpful.

You are correct that it is not 1957. I think that was a time when people were more plastic and did not either have their own opinions or kept their thoughts, feelings and even sexuality tendencies to themselves. From what I heard, a lot of pain was hidden behind the painted shutters of those homes with 2.5 kids, shiny cars and TV dinners. Even Doris Day had a life different than who she potrayed on screen.

I agree that sex is very important in a relationship. I more have issue with major decisions about relationships being made based mostly on sex. Some of the people I'm working, and I'm finding that in my own life, having great, deep verbal intercourse leads to even more satisfying intercourse.

Why wouldn't I read the postings and respond? I can test and strengthen my thoughts, beliefs and opinions by engaging with other people on the site. In fact, you and I are in a relationship right now through the postings. That was what I meant by relationship, the connectedness between two people -I did not mean that I had an issue with sex outside of marraige.

My real reason for posting this is that I find it interesting that the highest "hits" - even on an uplifting site - have been on the stories having rape, sex and drugs in the title - I know that the actual stories were not necessarily about rape or drugs, but it's the context. If we are so hungry for a forum to talk about sex - then let's ask for a special topic "Sex" under PeopleLove.

In a world - certainly a country - where I know more about the life of Paris Hilton and Brittany Spears (i.e. titillation) than the current news of the world - I suppose it's not that strange that sensationalism (i.e. titillation) sells even on an inspirational website. I'm not saying that I'm better or am puritanical - just wanting more consciousness in the world and how we make our choices.

Jillian

My issue with your posts is that I don't find them particularly helpful as far as relationship advice goes. In most cases, they're trite at best. I didn't leave a comment saying so because I realize that just b/c something's not my cup of tea doesn't mean it's not somebody else's speed. I decided to say something AFTER you left your blanket, judgmental blog opinion on other people's posts. Speaking of which, why didn't YOU responsibly leave comments on their "offensive" posts?

There's nothing wrong with the words "rape," "sex" and "drugs," especially when they're addressed in the commentary. They're just words. Props to those members for claiming their power and creating compelling titles and equally compelling reads.

Yes, there was a lot of pain, opression and repression behind the smiling, high gloss of the 1950s. Everything was squeaky clean on the surface, when n some cases, it was quite ugly behind closed doors. Seems to me your complaint is that things aren't as "squeaky clean" on this "uplifting site" as you think they should be. Making judgments on the lives of people you don't know isn't very "uplifting" or inspiring. In my opinion, it's puritanical, prudish and hypocritical.

Funny, I haven't noticed any posts about Britney Spears and Paris Hilton on this site. That's an empty argument. However, even in their overexposed lives, there are lessons to be learned if you pay attention, just as there are lessons as well as entertainment and titillation in the posts you're disturbed by.

BTW, sex is a part of dating. Until there's a sex category, dating seems pretty damned appropriate to me.

SOS
You contradict yourself and you're backpedaling.

@ MSNAIMAN
It's cool for coaches to have an opinion on PeopleJam. There's no rule that says coaches have to be neutral or refrain from a debate. Frankly I think most of our community would rather read a well-crafted strong opinion than something that is studiously neutral but bland.

And let's not confuse "having an opinion" with "being closed minded". That strikes me as a phony argument. Just because someone doesn't share your point of view doesn't mean that they are any less open minded than you.

It's okay to disagree. Exchange of vigorous opinion is a great way to get exposed to different perspectives.

But when a respectful disagreement deteriorates to namecalling and invective, we're bringing the whole community down a peg. I don't want to go there.

"My real reason for posting this is that I find it interesting that the highest "hits" - even on an uplifting site - have been on the stories having rape, sex and drugs in the title - I know that the actual stories were not necessarily about rape or drugs, but it's the context."

Your direct quote. That to me sounds like a bit of hmm what is that? JEALOUSY. Yes, it is in fact a way to market your story. In order to be "self-improving" or establish better "self-esteem" you have to be able to market yourself. I believe all the advise that is given to people by coaches, are in fact ideas on how to market yourself. Why did you just mention Paris and Britney? If they didn't market themselves with sex, drugs, alcohol, you wouldn't know who they were, and you wouldn't be talking about them. Which to my conclusion comes down to me thanking you.

Thank you for making controversial writers such as myself popular. Thank you for talking about our posts and having people become curious and read our stuff. It is because of jealous people like you that give us the exposure we deserve.

Looooove,
Zoe

In general, I love "lively exchanges." I love seeing people respond from their gut and not from their heads all the time. Everyone is so oppressed in the world. Most people find it difficult to express what they really feel and so...since you all are making such VALID POINTS....this "debate" should really just continue forever.....no really....it should!

It would have great longevity and influence, however, if the focus were to shift to POINTS of AGREEMENT and not those (minimal) points where you both just happen to NOT see eye-to-eye...there's something to be said for "mutual respect." Let's grab each other by the shoulders and SHAKE IT OUT...but no "sucker-punching," no "low-blows," no "hair-pulling..""no calling each other names, Timmy."

There's really no "right answer." There are only opinions, which are like a$*h%les because everybody has one!

Now touch gloves!
(pretty, pretty please)......

I find it interesting that the blog I posted to no one in particular was responded to with such a force.

I was prepared to get responses that were pointing to the nature of the rise of internet porn, sale of gossip mags, our own desire and impulse to stay at the level of surface titillation. Or, perhaps from those facing the challenge of discharging tension and energy in relationships by having sex quickly. Apparently I offended people.

I see the value, again, in standing up for what matters to me, and that is meaning and susbtance. This has been an energizing engagement that is not yet complete, but at least that has caused me to think about my interactions with others and what I really care about.

Thanks,

Jillian