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Taking a break.
There's a lot of pressure placed upon people to be in relationships. We're bombarded with television adverts prompting us to join Internet dating services and singles organizations. There are certain holidays that lend themselves to making those not in relationships feel as if they're “less than.”
Why? Internet dating services make money when people use their services. That’s simple enough. Some even provide tips on how to get your potential dates to like you, so you’ll be asked on a second date. Anyone can put on a good enough act for a time, but what if you don’t like yourself? What if you’re not ready to be in a relationship? What if you’re not interested in the other person?
If you’re not happy with yourself and your life, no amount of prompting (Minding, Finding and Binding- makes me think of constipation) or “compatibility tests designed by psychologists” (can somebody please tell me what “compatibility at the deepest levels” means- I actually am a psychologist and I still don’t know) will help you find a healthy, successful relationship.
Oftentimes, we need to get our own house in order before “joining houses.” Perhaps it’s a matter of making some home self-improvements (working on qualities such as patience, self-acceptance, and perfectionism)? Perhaps it’s not a matter of just wanting to be in a relationship, but defining and understanding what kind of relationship is best for you? Perhaps there are other areas of your life, such as career and family, which need to be addressed before you can be in a place of personal readiness for a relationship?
Focusing on other areas of your life doesn’t mean you’re not open to being in a relationship. Many endeavors require certain elements to be established and in good working order before the other pieces fall into place. In many instances, chasing after a relationship(s) can distract us from those areas we need to focus on first. This isn’t failing or giving up; it’s common sense. You wouldn’t construct the attic of a house without laying the foundation and preceding floors first, would you?
It's important to consider our own foundations, what needs support or needs reworking before we pursue our higher dreams and goals. It’s good to take a break from the pursuit of love and think about the pursuit of happiness, which is far more encompassing and balanced.
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Wow. This is exactly what I needed to hear. My break-up with my girlfriend has been so hard because of all the pressure you mention, and yes there are certainly other things that really need my attention right now. I both literally and metaphorically need to get my house together. But I have kept thinking it means I am a failure at the relationship (and relationships in general), that I'm letting her down, and that something is wrong with me. It feels so much better to take this pressure off. And now it all feels so bearable to be totally honest with myself and where I'm at. I'm still discovering what that means, and it's great because I feel like I'm actually getting to know myself. Thank you.
Hi Tara,
This post is certainly timely for me right now...because for the first time in my life, there isn't anyone in the past that I'm longing to be with and I'm not motivated to jump into a new future relationship either. The only relationship I want to focus on right now is the one I have with myself. And besides it feeling a bit scary (because of what you mention about society pressure) it feels very peaceful to know that I truly am "getting my house in order" literally and am becoming the person I'd want to be in a relationship with.
However, I do have to say, that being in relationships with people we draw in teaches us soooo much - and I've been able to not only learn from the people I've interacted with (good & not so good) and access myself and ask - why did I attract this person into my life? Why was I attracted to this person? What did they have to teach me? I know we talk about these sorts of things all the time - but I rarely see people actually doing it and asking those questions. More often than not, they jump back into another relationship to fill up the emptiness and fail to learn the lessons of growth from the last one.
I can see first-hand how important it is to not only love the person you marry but to really like them too. My parents have been married for 52 years and have been through it all - and I see why it's so important to really take your time with not only getting to know yourself but the other person. As my Mom always says, "Marriage is a long time". :) She's obviously done something right....
Thanks for sharing your post,
Brenda
PS: Love your comment on mind, find, bind - I agree not the best choice of words when it comes to finding a romantic partner ;)
Brenda Stanton
Lifestyle/Business Collaborator
brenda@modernwomanstoolkit.com
www.modernwomanstoolkit.com
Hi Brenda, thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I oftentimes feel like I sen my words out into the ether, never knowing if they reach anyone (especially when I was doing therapy at a methadone clinic). I'm always delighted and awed when I discover when my thoughts and writing strikes a chord with someone else.
I agree with you on several points. Many people run from relationship to relationship, seeking to fill an inner void, not understanding that the answer lies within themselves and not in relationship du jour.
Coincidentally, I spent almost a decade living in Boston. I moved out in October of last year. I miss the calamari with lemon aioli at Kingfish, the Basement, Locke Ober, and the Sevens. I do NOT, I am sorry to say, miss Red Sox fans on the T- too much exuberance in too small a space. Thanks again for the terrific comment.
Hi Tara!
How cool that you lived in Boston - and although I myself am an avid Red Sox fan, I can relate with you on not missing the crowded T and craziness on game nights. The places you speak of are great - such a small world!
Best,
Brenda
Brenda Stanton
Lifestyle/Business Collaborator
brenda@modernwomanstoolkit.com
www.modernwomanstoolkit.com