Take another look

We are all familiar with the myth of loving yourself before having the ability to be loved by others. But recently I have been considering the antithesis of this idea. To let yourself be misused by others you must first have the ability to misuse yourself. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it? But think about it for a moment. How often are we attracted to those who display emotional ambivalence? To those who make us work for his/her attentions, leave us wondering if a return phone call, email, or txt message will be thrown our way; maybe too often.
We call these offenders "players" or "hard to get ," with the latter insinuating that they in fact will be gotten. When in reality, as we finally fall asleep at night less the much-needed call, we're dolefully forced to admit that this is highly untrue.
So what is the attraction to such inappropriate counterparts? How can shamelessly pining away for someone who will never give us what we are looking for have an appeal? It doesn't. And no one from a third party prospective would so naively agree. And yet somehow a blind eye can always be turned when it comes to ones own personal choices. We blame it on the thrill of the chase, the need to work for the affections of others. Because someone who readily gives it away, who has no hang-ups about letting us know he/she is genuinely interested must be desperate, right? (That was a rhetorical question; something to consider on your own time)
For the first time I am apprehensive to add myself to this list of offenders; of those who cant handle honest reciprocated interest. But in truth, I wouldn't have the gall to call others out for their emotional reservations without taking accountability for mine as well. As someone who stands so proud 95% of the time, admitting to such pathetic habits isn't easy.
In a controlled, neutral environment I am, of course, able to admit that subjecting myself to those who don't deserve the effort is ridiculous; however, come game time I consistently fall prey. So why does the disconnection occur when it actually counts?
Somewhere, stuffed away in the back, accumulating dust, is an idea that was deposited at some point and whispers in the fashion of a small gnat. We keep swatting it away, in hopes each attempt to eradicate the pest will be the last, though to no avail. It is that little voice, unconscious at best, that somehow leaves the impression we are not entitled to such forthcoming affections. Maybe without the extraneous effort, the blood, sweat, and tears put forth to gain the required attention, it couldn't possibly be legit. It could be that we are more comfortable constantly hungry for the type of attention we'll never receive, than have to face the reality of sincerity we aren't equipped deal with; old habits and familiarities die-hard, creating a comfort zone and limitations for our future behavior.
It's easy to dig back into the past and point fingers and place blame for our shortcomings and emotional baggage. But really, as adults, we alone are responsible for the decisions we make and for those whom we choose to desire. I am the one who willingly becomes involved with someone who makes me second-guess the person staring back at me in the mirror. I'll say it again. To let yourself be misused you must first have the ability to misuse yourself. Still sounds ridiculous, yes? So squash the gnat. Then take a closer look in the mirror, stop mishandling your refection and make my antithesis the real myth.

I cant change the past, only my future.