Surviving the Crisis . . .

We were so well matched we had the same cleft chin. His front teeth cross slightly to the left, mine to the right. He got my jokes; I laughed at his. I had an unused gourmet kitchen; he loved to cook. We talked into the night, every night. Laughter was never far away. We were the couple others envied.

But we weren’t rookies. We'd both been divorced. Once, when aggravated by his perpetual lack of time integrity, I told him that the secret to keeping me happy was to remember that foreplay is all day, 24/7. I suggested he accumulate Frequent Foreplay Miles to cash in when, despite best efforts, he screwed up. He said I should do the same. We laughed. But that became our philosophy of marriage - earn as many, and lose as few, Frequent Foreplay Miles as possible. We thought of it as a way to playfully stay happy. As it turns out, we were preparing for the crisis that challenged our marriage.

A business decision gone bad left us, in mid-life, with a financial loss that meant starting over. At first, we saw it as an adventure. But as the enormity of what we faced became evident we were each wracked with guilt over decisions that contributed to our situation. We were deep in grief over the life we had loved and lost. "Issues" masked by prosperity and good times were now up front and center. Our individual unhappiness, insecurities, and perceived failures dominated our thoughts and infected our marriage. It would have been easy to point the finger of blame, especially if we harbored grudges and resentments from the past and, as it turns out, there were a few to deal with. But we had developed a habit of kindness and generosity toward the other, embodied in something called Frequent Foreplay Miles. In keeping with that habit, we focused on easing the self-inflicted blame that the other felt. We didn't focus on saving our marriage. We focused on saving the other. And, in so doing, our marriage was forged into something different, but just as good. Maybe better.

In the larger sense, this story is important to me because our experience has inspired me to write a book called Frequent Foreplay Miles: Your Ticket to a Happy Marriage! I'm working on it now and will be marketing it early next year. But, what I have learned is that emotional generosity to others is what allows you to be generous to yourself. To survive the financial crisis, we needed to forgive ourselves. And we did. I learned that self-forgiveness heals the heart and allows it to love in ever greater ways. I am forever grateful to my husband Dale who, by example, taught me to see all of life through generous eyes. His every day spirit of kindness is an inspiration.