Suicide

Posted by MDR on February 27, 2008 10:12 AM PST

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My husband killed himself earlier this month. We were seperated and going through a divorce. I encouraged him to do what he had to do. There was a lot of bitterness and pain surrounding our relationship and I couldn't stand to see him suffer. Psychiatry and prescription drugs failed him. I think there is an epidempic because many people are killing themselves on these drugs. He reached out to me and I was too overwhelmed by his problems to help. I feel guilty but I know I couldn't ever save him. He threw himself off a building, he told me he would do that, but I never thought he would. I need assurrance that I'm not responsible.

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Dear MDR,

Welcome to PeopleJam! And what an entry! Even though I don't know anything about you, I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough to share your very personal situation, including your grief and anguish, with us. Obviously, it was not (and is not) an easy thing to do. So, thank you for your trust and confidence in us!

I'm sorry to hear about your estranged husband's suicide. And while we may never know what exactly caused him to take his own life, I would like to share my own view and, as you requested, give you assurance that you are not/were not responsible for your husband's actions. Indeed, I'm sure that your husband's suicide was not the only way in which he tried to make YOU feel guilty! Putting the prescription drug question aside for the moment, your husband was ultimately responsible for his own choices in life, as difficult as the circumstances that he faced may had appeared or actually had been for him. YOU were not responsible for his thoughts and actions, any more than he was responsible for yours. And even though, as you say, he had reached out to you, and as difficult as this may be to accept in light of what eventually transpired, YOU had a personal responsibility to deal with your own feelings of being overwhelmed by the circumstances. Without intending to marginalize or minimize the significance of your husband's death, YOU did what YOU had to do. Indeed, you were being HUMAN!

Importantly, let me now challenge you to search for and discover the underlying and deeper "meaning" of this personal tragedy. For instance, what have you learned about yourself, as well as your relationships with others, as a result? How are you going to grow and develop as a result of what you have learned? Moreover, what have you learned about your husband; how are you going to "celebrate" his LIFE, as painful as it may be for you to confront, rather than focus on his death?

If nothing else, I hope that I've provided you with some assurance, albeit from only one person's perspective, that you are NOT responsible for you husband's death. If you would like to continue this dialogue privately, please let me know by sending me an email message either through PeopleJam or directly to "alex@prisonersofourthoughts.com." Thanks again for sharing and opening up your soul to the PeopleJam community. It took a great deal of courage and trust. And, remember, YOU are not alone!

With love and blessings, Alex

Alex Pattakos, Ph.D.
Author of Prisoners of Our Thoughts:
Viktor Frankl's Principles for Discovering Meaning in Life and Work
Email: alex@prisonersofourthoughts.com
Web: www.prisonersofourthoughts.com

Posted by Dr. Alex Pattakos on February 27, 2008 1:46 PM PST

Dear MDR,
I am struck by your post and want to say that I deeply feel for your loss and turmoil. And I believe that as adults we can only be responsible for ourselves. Anything else doesn't bring true satisfaction or groundedness in who we really are. I am saddened when I hear of a suicide because life is such a gift. And yet for some it is unbearable. I hold the space for you of peace, blessings, healing and love for the time that you and your husband had together and that you have now. Much love, Marcia

Marcia King, CPCC
Infinite Focus Coach
Wealth Dynamics Coach
See what expands when you focus
310/471-8703