The Holidays! Wow, it's all the most dangerous and most wonderful parts of our lives, concentrated into approximately 6 weeks of the year! Ugh - some years it all seems overwhelming. Both our greatest gifts and our heaviest burdens can surface at this time of year. What's important is what we focus on. You DO have the power to make this holiday season a special one for yourself.

The excitement of the upcoming holiday, the music, the lights - all can bring out the child-like wonder that lies dormant the rest of the year. Sometimes I think the child-like vulnerability bubbles up too.

For many of us, it's family that makes it so complicated - don't know about you, but in our family, 6 college-educated professional adults with jobs and mortgages, who generally like each other, sit down at that holiday table and somehow turn into our childhood selves - the old hurts, the teasing, the fighting, the crying - you get the picture, I'm sure. And memories become sharper - both happy and sad. The family members who are no longer with us leave the biggest hole at the holidays. The insensitive remark made at a holiday table 25 years ago is remembered like it was yesterday.

It's enough to make me ask my husband - "Destination Christmas, anyone?"

Anyway, before I depress anyone further, I'll get to the point.

Overriding principle of this post: (I don't know who said it, but it applies perfectly to the holidays) The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
So, if you want a different result, don't do the same things!!

Here are a few principles that I have learned through personal experience over the years. You no doubt have your own set of these:

1. Be Honest with Yourself: You can't change what you don't acknowledge.
YOU have a choice as to how you recognize and celebrate the holidays, but you have to be honest about what works and what doesn't before you can assess what's right for you. OF COURSE there are trade-offs - Mom may be hurt if you don't do what you've always done, and you'll have to consider that - but life is about trade-offs. Making them consciously, with an eye toward what will be most meaningful and satisfying for you, rather than trying to please everyone and pleasing no one, gives you a much greater chance of a peaceful and happy holiday. Believe me, I've tried it both ways.
And get some professional help with this if you need it. The holidays, the media, financial pressure, the darkness, family stress - all of it can converge this time of year, and there's absolutely no shame in asking for help to take care of yourself.

2. Generally people don't change (unless of course they recognize the need and are willing to do the work).
If your Aunt Lucy acts like an insensitive jerk at family dinners, acknowledge that for yourself, instead of showing up every year at her holiday table with renewed hope that she'll be different. She probably won't. All you can control is your own reaction to it. Better to make the choice about whether to attend and how you'll respond from a conscious place, than to feel like a victim when you show up for yet another year and find that things have not changed.
You CAN make a different choice about how this scenario will play out for you this year. All of this may seem very obvious to you, but I was well into adulthood when this dawned on me.

3. When I am aware and honest about my own potential pitfalls, I am in a better position to manage them.
So, whether it's over-eating, over-drinking, or over-revealing your deepest feelings and thoughts at the dinner table, honest self-assessment and planning ahead win the day. I find that if I can anticipate what might derail me, and make a plan to respond differently or to avoid temptation altogether, I have more confidence going in. You might be surprised how supportive your significant other, sibling, or friend can be in helping you, if you ask. He/she can help you watch for the danger signs, even role-play with you before the event, and/or work on a contingency plan for getting the heck out of the situation if it all goes the wrong way.

4. Try to recognize the "big picture" - This is one holiday out of 365 days a year. If you feel crummy at this time of year, recognize that A LOT of people are in your same situation, gather the information and resources that you need to change things, and get on with it. Tomorrow is another day. And it bears repeating - get some professional help if you need it.

5 And speaking of the "big picture" - it's easy to forget our many gifts, especially when the news is so depressing, our lives don't seem to measure up to the media image of the holidays, and for many of us, the weather doesn't help. If you can find one thing to be grateful for this time of year - whether it's a good friend, a healthy body, a strong spiritual life, whatever it is - if you focus on that, it will matter less what happens or doesn't happen during the holidays.

This is a very meaty topic - I could go on for a long time on this one, I'm sure you could too. I'd love to hear about ways other people have of coping.

Wishing you a peaceful healthy holiday, and a 2008 that is full of new and wonderful adventures!