stay together in the abyss or divorse by 12.31.07: finding the truth in committment

Posted by 2share4now on October 20, 2007 7:53 PM PDT

Recommend this? YES NO

We have been seperated 5 months and for the past two months communicating bi-coastally while he is "finding his inner strength and healing that which binds and blinds him". This is not my struggle. With the help of the divine, many of my inner layers have been in healing and rebooted years ago. As a professional in the field of psychology I know we are all on a journey and by nature I encourage his growth however, I am finding that my husband has turned into my patient. This would not be his view of our relationship. To me it has been a short-lived two and a half year challenge to the finish line. We had been met by many outside obsticles and opportunities that I have grown from. I believe he has broken from. I tend to bend. He tends to break. I tend to forgive. He tends to hold on. I tend to write revisionist history. He tends to remember every detail. He has great integrity and hurts easily. I have less integrity and am a survivor. I think out of the box. He thinks in it. I am 47, he 43. My children are my family (4 daughters) unit - the walls to our home. He is a loner. He is physically strong, handsome and sexual. We move well together in bed. We crash out of bed, stepping in each others' footsteps. I enjoy listening to him because we see things so differently. He is bothered that we see things so differently. My family and friends say cut and move on - I am not ready.

I would like to hear from others' in similar situations. Expand my own minds' possibilities. I would like to meet men who can help me figure out solution. To understand the male mind-set.

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5 Comments

Thanks for sharing your personal plight.

It seems that you two embody the phrase, "opposites attract." Although some relationship experts might say that this sort of dynamic doesn't work, I think that with understanding and solid agreements, any relationship can survive an impasse.

However, one of you must change more than the other is capable of changing for it to work. To clarify, either you or your husband must move beyond your respective comfort zones in order to compensate for the other and work through the resistance that is palpable between the both of you.

Does that make sense?

Sounds to me that if you "bend" and he "breaks," then you have the emotional intelligence necessary to compromise for the sake of your family...are you willing to do that?

It's certainly not your duty to guide him into a neutral zone unless it is worth it to you.

Is it?

Posted by Amanda on October 22, 2007 4:12 AM PDT

My view is that all that really matters, is what is between you and your husband. Whatever your family and friends think, if you're not ready, you're not ready.

I wasn't ready to make a decision about my marriage for a LONG time. It was in my 7th year of marriage that I felt things were amiss. It took 2 years (and 3 attempts!) for me to make the tough decision to end the marriage. I remember putting timelines on myself -- "if we haven't moved forward by October, I've got to do something!". In the end, I found the best time, for me. In some respects, I wish I could have done it sooner, for both of our sakes. To honour our commitment (strange as that sounds), I needed to give it the time and effort and every last chance possible.

Strangely, I identify more with your husband's role in your current situation. I was in the process of recovering from trauma. I needed time and space for myself, to heal, which is
a tough thing to get while in an intimate relationship.

I want to acknowledge that you appreciate the diversity in your relationship, and that you encourage his growth. I wish you peace and courage and grace in finding your solution.

Posted by Sylvia Goodeve on October 23, 2007 11:43 AM PDT

Honor yourself when you are not ready. Oh my G'd is that gorgeous. Thank you "out there" for navigating yourself to me. Bless you

Posted by 2share4now on October 23, 2007 9:28 PM PDT

Wow, I am so impressed with feedback. I found community!!!!!!!

Posted by 2share4now on October 23, 2007 9:31 PM PDT

2share4now,
I think it's admirable to stay committed to working this out - it's so easy to "cut and move on". 12/31/07 seems pretty short to me and pressured by a calendar date. I have not ever been married but work in a company wih many couples who have moved from the brink of divorce to beautiful, loving partnerships; hence, I have that model around me and have seen agreements made where there is no threat to leave/abandon each other through divorce. Instead, the couples agree not to divorce and to continue working together.
Best of luck and thanks for sharing,
Jillian