Stay or let it go?

If you're not happy, honor that feeling. Don't sit by and let it fester because you think you ought to be patient. It's been five years, you've been patient long enough. I think you know what you want and I think it comes down to an ultimatum.

You say, "he doesn't seem to be ready to share my life with me."

I'm sure he's given you strong clues that led you to that statement. Put more value on his actions than on his words. Don't compromise your happiness.

Thanks for sharing

This man has taken 5 years of your life and you're not getting any younger. Why should he commit if he can "drift along," maintaining the status quo without any consequences?

After a certain age (chronological and emotional- at some point they converge- at least, I hope they do), dating after 6 months without a commitment morphs into hanging out. Do you want to build a life with a partner or a body to share your weekends with so you don't feel lonely?

I've fallen into this trap in the past, granted, not for 5 years. Think about it. What could you do in FIVE YEARS, half of a decade? A graduate degree, heck, a couple degrees. Raised a child who'd be in pre-school.

You've been more than patient. You deserve more. Don't be afraid to ask for it. If he can't step up to the plate, it's his loss. If a man truly wants to be with you, he'll find a way. Excuses are just that- excuses and are meaningless. Amanda's right. You may need to issue an ultimatum. Are you prepared to walk away if the desired outcome isn't forthcoming?

These decisions are painful and difficult, but do you want to drift for another 5 years only to break up and watch him move on to the next version of you? From my experience, I cried and felt awful at first, then I had "the moment." I felt relief.

I realized I was the key holder to my cage of romantic disappointment. I made my "happiness" contingent upon the actions or inactions of another person. Big mistake. I now know what I want in my life and in a relationship; an ambivalent commitment phobe is a no-no. Know what you want and if it isn't me, please move along.

I've known too many women, personally and professionally, who let men waste their time. Once they finally make the break, they become angry with the men for all the lost years. The sad irony is they, and only they, allowed it to happen.

TJP

Thank you both for sharing your opinions. I have of course pondered these thought as well and they are very valid. But do I really want to give this man an ultimanum, would that be the right way to have a meaning relationship by forcing someone to be with you. I guess the only thing I can do is just let it go and if he should decide to come back on his own within a certain time period ready then I will know my answer.

I don't think the point of an ultimatum is to force anything to happen. I view it as a bottom-line, lay it on the table, these are my needs and this is what I need to do to ensure my ultimate happiness... conversation.

You already know that. Let it go and move on. If he comes back, your decision was the kick in the pants he needed in order to get with the program already.

Best of luck.

Everyone's advice is great. I agree with it whole heartedly.
Let me share a few stories with you.
STORY 1:
I dated a man that I loved.. I mean LOVED. We lived an hour apart and had a great time. However, I was ready to move forward and he wasn't. I issued the ultimatum. He did NOT come riding back on his horse and we did not live happily ever after. Instead, I was heart-broken. It took me about 4 years to recover. No joke and I"m not a sap either, I was just in love. Looking back, I coulda hung in there and we probably would have gotten married, but the relationship would have been all on his terms which I would have never been ok with, so I am thankful that it ended.

STORY 2;
A friend of mine inquired about 'the next step'.. the guy said 'he wasn't ready'. They ended the relationship. 6 mo later, they missed each other and got back together. Fast Forward 5 YEARS, they find themselves in the same place, He's still "not ready"... They ended it, she is broken hearted.. but not only is she broken hearted, she just wasted 5 years of her life.

STORY 3:
I once asked two of my guys friends what "Not ready" really means (at the time one guy was married and the other engaged, so we are talking about commit-able men). Both of them agreed: Not ready means you are not the one.

So my advice, talk about a future, if he can assure you that he wants to spend his life with you, he is probably telling the truth, if he makes any comments about not being ready, tell him YOU are not ready to waste any more of your life on him.

good luck.
beth

beth |community coordinator | life coach |seeker of knowledge|

I loved this discussion!! But what Beth said hit me the hardest "Not ready means you are not the one." All women in this type of position should be reading this right now and screaming Eureka!!

You are so right Betty. That is exactly how it hit me and I have gotten some house cleaning to do. It's 2008 and I refuse to be the weekend girl any longer while he reaps all of the benefits of having me exactly where he wants me. It hurts but I know what I must do. As they say the truth shall set you free.

OK Ladies......

When is hello, hello and when is hello, goodbye? No one truly knows. It is always the action that supports the words that you must look at in order to understand the meaning of the words.

For a man to be in a relationship/dating/seeing - any title you place on the union - for an extended amount of time, it means that there is more to you than just a sporadic casual encounter. If after 5 years, things are still great and he still "dates" you, there is definitely more feelings and emotion on his side for you than you may realize.

"I'm not ready" doesn't mean you are not the one...necessarily! What it can mean, depending on what you have experienced from this man/woman is that they are truly not ready. Look no further. This individual may want to become a better "them" for you.

As men, we are not a complex creature, we are more unsure of the love that we give most time than the love we are receiving. Many times, we say exactly what it is that we are feeling, but many times it is heard differently; because of what the hope is within the individual hearing it. We want to know that the love we give is being accepted and appreciated. We want to know that when we go head into this love affair, "you" will not change the love that you give. We want to know that we are on your mind when you make love to us and we will always be. We want to know that what we share, will be great always. Most times, until we are sure that this is what love will be for us, the one, maybe two times that we are willing to give our all, we are truly not ready.

Instead of pointing the finger at him for not being ready, look at yourself first and see if you are really ready. Search yourself first and allow yourself to be objective of yourself and less of him.

At the end of the day, if he is still loving you good after 5 years, how much better does the love get after you take it to the next level?

Ask yourself if you are saying hello, or goodbye?

Good luck!

Poet: It is your words that speak to my heart and has allowed me to stay in this relationship for 5 years. I take responsibility for my actions to make this man insecure of my love and actions, but I have also taken the repsonsibility to try and reassure him of the same. I totally understand what you are saying however will he really ever be ready? Fear when it comes to dealing with matters of the heart can make us so afraid that we are never ready to step out on faith and see what lies beyond the security blanket we hold on to. Life is short and I want to spend my life with him while still able to enjoy it and tomorrow is not promised. I am 51 years old and he is 44. How do I know when to say when or getting him to say I'm ready. Whenever I bring the subject up he tells me that I should stop asking him about it and just let it happen when he is ready. It is then when I begin to have these doubts about his real intent. Isn't it possible that he is just content with the way things are and just enjoying the ride for as long as I continue to let him. Isn't also true that as long as you are enjoying the ride you will continue to do whatever you can without crossing the boundaries. I need some kind of reassurance that what he is saying is truthful and what he feels for me is something more that just something to occupy his weekends.

Luv,


Your title rings loud for many, men and women. If you stay you gain fortitude for wanting to make it work. If you leave, you become less tolerrant and more appreciative of your worth. At the end of the day, you still posess a disjointed heart.


One one hand, your companion is right; the more you talk about it, the further it gets from an action for him, because it becomes a nagging point of discussion for him. (This is just the way men think...the simple nature if us) If you let it alone, and focus on yourself more, not looking for anything more than the excitement you have when you are with him, then he will be content; and you will not be.


This is what you have to ask yourself..."What is your worth?" when you define the answer to this question, you will have a clearer direction on what to do. Deal with the things that you have control over, and those things that you don't, why address them?


He maybe a good man, but maybe not the good man for you. Just because you love someone, it doesn't make them good for you.


I am not saying you should leave him, I am saying you should talk to yourself, but, this time, listen with an open mind!

I think the most important question you need to ask yourself is, Can you see youself without this man? Then make a decision. Forget the relationship polictics!!! This is your heart that we're talking about here. How does your heart feel when you're around him?

"Would you want this/him for your daughter?" As women, we rarely put ourselves first..we think we're strong enough to handle it...we cater to others before ourselves. But would you want your daughter to put up with this? Of course not! When it comes to relationships, we have to take the same advice that we would give to our daughters.

And Beth is right--I've had other male friends say the same thing and I've seen enough men exhibit it: when a guy likes a girl, his masculine energy goes into over-drive and he'll do what it takes to keep her. If he's not doing much, then he's simply not that into you. There's a book out with the same/similar title. I've never read it, but I hear it's good.

But hey, we could all be wrong, that's why a bottom-line conversation is necessary. Keep us posted:)

Great question, Amanda, and you're right again. If a guy really wants you, he'll move heaven and earth or, at the very least, put down the remote to get to you. luvinlife, I think you already know what you need to do. You want more, you know that he can't/won't offer you more than he has already, yet you don't want to let go.

In an earlier response to a comment, you said you'll let him go and see if he comes back. Why are you surrendering control of your life? You give away your personal power when you do this. (I have a colleague who points this out from time to time regarding choices I make and it drives me crazy. Trust me, it pains me to point this out in writing.)

Why are you waiting to see what his next move is? What do you want? Ok, you want him, but he's not giving all of himself to you. Don't you want more? I know I'd want more for myself. Love isn't part-time; it's a full-time responsibility and privelege. When the object of your desire isn't willing to match you in degree of commitment, it leads to feelings of self-doubt, feelings of being not good enough and worthlessness. Please don't do that to yourself. Trust me, he's not on a website posing these questions.

Don't know what else to say. I've been where you are and it's a painful place to be. Ultimately, I hope it all works out for the best no matter what.

TJP

Luv, what you have written and shared really resonants with me. You said in one of your posts, " I take responsibility for my actions to make this man insecure of my love and actions, but I have also taken the repsonsibility to try and reassure him of the same."

Powerful words! Here's something to consider, perhaps...you can do everything in your power, you could provide the stars and the moon on a stick, but ultimately you have no control over how this man feels -- whether is secure or insecure. That is down to him. However, you do have control over what you will and will not accept.

What are you willing to accept?

I can tell you this, you are worth much more and deserve to be in a relationship that is equal. The easiest and possibly worst thing we can do (I say this, because I have done so) is to settle. Settle because we are afraid to be alone or afraid to be without a relationship of any kind.

If I have learned anything from my past relationships it is this; I have to love me a bunch and never settle. So here's to having an amazing love affair with you and if this guy is worth his weight in gold he will realize that he has been missing out on a good thing.

Just my two cents. Best of luck to you!!

Luv, what you have written and shared really resonants with me. You said in one of your posts, " I take responsibility for my actions to make this man insecure of my love and actions, but I have also taken the repsonsibility to try and reassure him of the same."

Powerful words! Here's something to consider, perhaps...you can do everything in your power, you could provide the stars and the moon on a stick, but ultimately you have no control over how this man feels -- whether is secure or insecure. That is down to him. However, you do have control over what you will and will not accept.

What are you willing to accept?

I can tell you this, you are worth much more and deserve to be in a relationship that is equal. The easiest and possibly worst thing we can do (I say this, because I have done so) is to settle. Settle because we are afraid to be alone or afraid to be without a relationship of any kind.

If I have learned anything from my past relationships it is this; I have to love me a bunch and never settle. So here's to having an amazing love affair with you and if this guy is worth his weight in gold he will realize that he has been missing out on a good thing.

Just my two cents. Best of luck to you!!

Thanks again to all of you.. I need to hear this and believe it is really taking to heart. I understand that no answer is right or wrong and the only right answer is what is right for me. Yes, I love him, and yes, when I am with him I feel wonderfully blessed to have him in my life. He treats me respectfully, holds my hand, opens car doors, rubs my feet and holds me at night. (when he is there) No, I don't want to give this up, but the comment about self-worth is what is comes down to. Am I worth more than this after 5 years? Yes I am, and what I want from him right now is for him to move heaven and earth to be with me, why because I know that if I was in this situation, I would do it for him. One thing for sure if I am going to be in a long term relationship I need to be equally valued on all levels.

Let us know what you ended up doing....it is like a cliffhanger now....I know that whatever you do you will make the right choice!

Just don't forget the little people in your quest for a better you!!!

We are all here to support you!

Poet

Ok guys I had a talk with my man. He addressed the issues regarding out relationship going to the next level and the word finance came up. According to him, his hesitation has been because of the fact that I make more money than he does and he is afraid that he won't be able to support my lifesyle equally as as he should and I will eventually start to resent him for it. I assured him that as long as he is helping to the measure in which he is able I couldn't expect more. The conversation was left hanging like this and I am not saying another word to him about it. THe end of the month is it for me if he has not made a move.

Good for you for having that conversation and for setting a deadline for yourself. Remember, you deserve to have a fulfilling and wonderful relationship. If it is not with this man, I assure you it will be with someone who is deserving of you and all that you bring to the relationship. Do keep us posted.