She is amazing and everything checks out--BUT

Posted by Nathan Thompson on November 26, 2007 7:50 PM PST

Recommend this? YES NO

Have you ever dated someone and they are amazing! You love who they are, how they live, the way they see the world, how you interact, life paths match up, core values align, they'd be a great mom/dad, they look good, the sex is smokin hot, they dress cool, have their life together--and on and on and on! (best said in one breath)

BUT

Something inside you won’t pull the trigger to take the relationship to the next level—be that exclusivity, relocating, moving in together or getting hitched..etc. Something you can feel, but struggle to language is inhibiting the next step. It’s a feeling…a strange and confusing feeling. (And NO it’s not something weird like she’s a serial killer or a tranny)

This is my dating scenario right now, and I could use some feedback. My self talk goes something like “This woman is amazing. What’s the hang up?” or “Everything checks out, but I have this feeling…” or “I’m just not all in on this one. I can’t put my finger on it.”

Has anyone else experienced this? What’s that about?

I'm too close to this one and need some external support. What are some ideas/strategies you have successfully used to lean into this dilemma and come out with the answer you needed.

Help!

-NT

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11 Comments

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Nathan, thanks for sharing. I get what you are saying and as I was reading two questions kept popping into my head. Guess I better share them then. ;)
1) Who are you in this relationship?
2) What would it look like for you if you were to take that next step?

Way to let it all hang out -- looking forward to hearing more.

1. Hesitant. And it's obvious to both of us.
2. Getting closure on this feeling and going all in or ending it. We both deserve that. I've ignored feelings before with undesirable results. I want to explore this further and then make a decision on who/what it’s about. It's worth it and I'm certain there is much to learn about me, us and what’s next.

Keep the questions and strategies coming!

Isn't it true some guys think that once you dive all the way in there is no way out?

Lemme explain. According to David Deida men are always asking the question "Am I free." And yes, I can say that internal conversation shows up in various ways in all kinds of situations.

However, in this case I don't think that is it. I've been in 2, 4 and 6 year relationships with one engagement, no marriages. I think 12 years of commitment is a pretty good track record. I suppose commitment is in the eye of the beholder. What is it to you?
-NT

Nathan,

Every guy I know faces this situation. We all know how it goes. You're in an awesome relationship with a girl you love, and she loves you. Everything is great. She's ready to go to the next level. And yet, and yet, and yet... you've got cold feet. You won't step up. You're stuck.

Good news: you're not alone. Every guy goes through this phase. I did. My brothers did. Every guy I know freaks out when it comes to making a commitment.

More good news. You'll get over this. You'll emerge happier and relieved.

Why? Because it isn't you who is stuck. It's your ego. Specifically, it's the ego that is attached to an idea of who you "should be". This idea, this idealized concept of what a single male should represent, is embedded in every guy's mind by the time we reach adulthood. How? Mindless repetition. Through hundreds of thousands of TV commercials, movies, shows, books, print ads. These brilliantly-crafted media masterpieces depict happy healthy men in singlehood as decisive, independent, free spirits who are unencumbered by emotional attachments and relationships. It's powerful media mythology and it pervades our unconscious minds.

But this idea, this conceptualized male archetype, is not you. It's your ego's idea of who you should be. And as we all know, diminishing the ego is the greatest way to unburden ourselves. Let the real you flower forth.

How can I be so bold as to make this diagnosis from 1000 miles away? Because, as Eckhardt Tolle teaches us, one sure sign of the ego is attachment. We often operate in an unconscious mode, allowing the ego to drive our emotional state on autopilot. That makes it difficult to observe the ego in action.

But one surefire way to detect the ego at work is when we feel strong emotional resistance to change. The ego can't let go. The ego craves acquisition and retention, and it puts up a fierce resistance when it is asked to yield.

The confusing emotional state you are in is the result of a conflict between your ego and yourself. You are yearning for the next phase, the next level of commitment, but your ego is attached to the concept of you as an independent freewheeling guy with unlimited options. The idea of relinquishing that "freedom" for a commitment (which feels like diminishment to the ego) is causing a surge of resistance. Meanwhile, the real Nathan is ready to go. Naturally, you are feeling conflicted and confused.

Lock, load and commit. Go for it. Never look back. The ego will howl as the old concept of you disappears, but the real you will be relieved, glad, overjoyed and ready to embrace the love and affection of your new soul mate.

Good luck and best wishes,

Rob that was powerful! I’ve read it 7 times. I haven’t stopped thinking about all the ways it hits home. I’ve told 5 people about it. Responses like yours make PJ amazing. I knew the minute I thought to post this on PJ that I would get amazing results from this community.

Your post reached me on sooo many levels.
*As a man
*As someone who's been through this
*As someone who seen this many a times with many people
*As someone who's done their homework about what social pressures feed into this dynamic
*As someone who’s done their homework about the psychology of what’s going on in me

You connected to me and built rapport, set a baseline, linked me to the bigger picture, showed me how this plays out in me and society, and finally brought it all back to me. All with playful, serving eloquence. THANK YOU.

I’ve been laughing a lot today. I feel good--with renewed perspective and focus.

More to come…

Nathan, i think that other people are giving you pretentious and misleading advice. if you are not ready to make a commitment, then you should take time for yourself . too many people rush into commitments for all the wrong reasons. don't be one of them.

how can anyone else tell you how you feel? how can another reader on this website tell you what is going on inside of you? that makes no sense to me.

only you know what is real. you must listen to yourself.

Thanks for dropping a perspective bomb on this string. I love contrast!

You'll be happy to know I didn't take anyone's comments as law. I received and ran the ideas through a gamut of internal and external tests. I opened them to my personal community. I mixed the ideas with other ideas. I mashup.

I loved what RT wrote as much as I loved how he said his truth. I respect his communication as much as I respect his stance. All that said, it still comes down to me trying things on like a coat. Doesn’t matter if you, RT or anyone on the planet says X. In the end, I ALWAYS choose.

Thank you for sharing another angle on this and giving me the opportunity to consider the contrast in my mind.

Forever enjoying how people think,

I have to admit, upon re-reading my previous comments, they are a little pretentious. Sorry Nate. FF makes a good point. I am red-faced.

Hey, we're all learning something here in this dialog. Another opportunity to grow, etc.

I heard a brilliant solution, from a coach, who is now getting married to this woman. He had been in several marriages and was very hesitant to commit to someone again. The woman was also a coach, so they were both very open to each other.

The solution they determined was that they would fully, unabashedly commit to each other... till the end of the year (not sure what month it was). They would have monthly check-ins. But basically, both of them were giving each other the commitment that no matter what they would stay together till then.

I know it sounds almost like project management, but as I said, it worked for them. He was able to give to her fully, knowing it was not necessarily forever. And by taking the plunge into that, he was able to realize (in a non-pressured way) that he wanted to be with her forever.