Sylvia, I want to acknowledge you for not only your awareness, but for your dedication to you. What a great reminder that in being "selfish" we are actually supporting and replenishing our reserves so we can be selfless.

I used to think that if I crammed my schedule full of things to do I would be much more effective and get much more done. WRONG! What I ended up doing was getting things done, but at a quality level of far less than I would have liked. Quality is more important (to me) over quantity. Now I make sure to have some Pam time on a regular basis and it does make a diffference.

Hi Sylvia,

As always, I love your insight on your posts. The topic of selfishness or self-care - whatever we want to refer to it as - is a real passion for me and I know I love the topic because it's something I constantly need to learn and embrace. It's amazing how when I begin working with a new client, how much of our up-front time is dedicated to removing things off the plate and helping her to get good at saying "NO" in a nice and gentle way in order to clear the space for more.

Great post - we all need to remind ourselves to take care of us so we can take care of others - our loved ones, clients, etc. We wouldn't be authentic coaches if we weren't practicing what we preach....

Best,
Brenda

Brenda Stanton
Lifestyle/Business Collaborator
brenda@modernwomanstoolkit.com
www.modernwomanstoolkit.com

Thanks Sylvia!

This topic is one that so many of us can identify with - and I've termed it the 'Myth of Selfishness' in an article I wrote around these ideas. When we actually consider the definition of 'selfishness' it is made up of two component parts:
- not just concern primarily for one's own welfare, benefit or interests;
- but ALSO that this occurs regardless of or with disregard for others.
If we can shift our personal understanding of the word to include both those elements, then the type of self-care or decisions we make (like your choosing to postpone starting the Big Sister program) will be much more visible from the perspective of wanting to ensure we serve others as powerfully as we can when we are at our most centered. Ironically when we are not at our best, or looking after ourselves, how can we possibly love/help/be honest with those we care about most?

When we choose to be authentic and make decisions based on the question 'What is best for me?', these decisions can still be made with true consideration and regard for others. This is our challenge!

In the true spirit of self-care, give yourselves a moment as you read this to answer:
How is this Myth currently holding you back?

With love and curiosity,
Sam

PeopleJam might seem to be an odd place to market the virtues of Ayn Rand - however, based on this thread - I highly recommend her and her perspective. Ayn Rand preaches the virtue of selfishness - she believes that one will only be valuable to others if one takes care of themselves first. I will never do her philosophies justice - but I highly recommend taking some time to read some of her articles.

Sylvia, I applaud you for taking very good care of yourself, and listening to what YOU really need.

In the book, Mental Health Through Will-Training, Dr. Abraham Low, whose work I admire very much, advised his patients to lower their expectations in order to increase their performance. It may seem like bad advice, but in actual fact it worked really well for them. You see, these were people with severe biochemical imbalances, who were struggling through life. However, I've found that the same advice actually works really well for others too. For instance, high-achievers, rescuers, caretakers, perfectionists, and just plain nice folks, could also use a break. So when they lower their expectations of themselves, they too, will increase their performance.

Sylvia,
I do not believe that attending to our well-being is a "selfish" act in any sense of the word. On any airplane ride we hear the directive to "put our mask on ourselves first before putting it on an accompanying child...." By extension we can take this to meant that we have nothing to give others (even if we have the best intentions) if we are depleted or compromised in our being. Our true gift lies in being able to give to others from a full cup. Kudos for taking the time and energy to "stop the presses" and to re-evaluate your life experience...

JNS, Very good point. One of the more fascinating Rand-related reads is this article on love as a truly selfish act.

Selfishness vs. Selflessness ... it's a catchier title than "Self-Care vs. Giving". I agree that Self-Care is much more appropriate than Selfishness. Also the concept of Selflessness doesn't fit as well for me. I don't want to lose my self or my sense of self.

In fact, I wrestled with just this concept as I attended an International Instructor's Workshop of Taoist Tai Chi. At the Quiet Cultivation Centre, we live the Taoist philosophy of "Eye see...Hand do". We all work together to cook, clean and keep the centre beautiful. When I was there over the Thanksgiving weekend, I wanted time to rest and rejuvenate, instead of chores! While I felt pulled towards selflessness, I really needed more self-care.

My coach helped me to see how I could turn the concept of selflessness into one of "Giving with Joy". Only when I'm ready and able to "Give with Joy" does the selfless concept really fit for me. If I need self-care more at any moment of time, then I'll follow that without guilt or concern. There will be plenty of time for giving.

The best thing I did over the Thanksgiving weekend was rest, relax and rejuvenate...and give thanks.

I am often reminded of a saying "To keep what you have you must give it away". I try to do this often with those in my community. That being said, I am practicing this daily with my 1 yr. old girl. I am continuously delighted when I receive back from her without expectation. There seems to be a really cool cycle of energy going on with us. Finding "me" time is challenging at times but I try to take a few moments before my feet hit the floor in the morning and before I close my eyes at night.