The Self Love Myth

There are women and men who have no trouble chasing after quarry, “loving” them without rhyme or reason, only to have their feelings unreturned. These are usually the same people, who, when offered affection by another, run in the opposite direction, uninterested.

If you believe the above cliché, there should be no pursuit of a love interest until a person has learned to love himself or herself. These individuals are attracted to others who cannot love them in return, usually for similar reasons, beginning a futile cycle of pursuit and distancing behaviors. Think of it as “mutually assured unhappiness.” It reinforces their inner and oftentimes unacknowledged feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. They seek intimacy only from those who also cannot tolerate intimacy.

When these individuals are lucky enough to meet someone who sees their positive attributes (that they themselves either cannot or will not see) and offers affection, they push them away. They devise many reasons why the other person isn’t “the one.” Standard excuses include: There must be something wrong with him; she’s too much of “this” and not enough of “that;” or there isn’t any “chemistry.” Mind you, the only chemistry they are likely to feel is with someone who is interested in keeping them at arm’s length.

“Loving” someone else is easy enough, especially since persons who languish in this position tend to idealize those whom they “love” (i.e., an unrealistic, highly selective vision of the other person- the “love” usually disappears as soon as they realize the other person isn’t “perfect.”) How does one begin to love and accept themselves? First, one must acknowledge and wrestle with inner daemons.

Second, one must accept that they are not perfect, will never be perfect, but it doesn’t make them unlovable and unworthy. “Perfection,” if there is such a thing, has nothing to do with peace and wholeness. If you cannot tolerate your own imperfections, you will not be able to tolerate them in another. Others will always fall short.

Third, one must develop the ability to hold and sit with the discomfort and strangeness of the new and unfamiliar. If change felt the same as that to which you are accustomed, it wouldn’t be change. (Repeat the last sentence to yourself a few times.)

The fear of being loved is related to the fear of being “discovered;” of having your vulnerabilities and those aspects you don’t like about yourself exposed to another. This is fundamentally silly because we all have things we wish were different or better about ourselves. The fear is that he or she won’t love us if they find out how “horrible” we think we are. True love is acceptance, not unforgiving judgment and it begins with you.