In my clinical practice I see so much resentment and contempt. Here are some thoughts. What do you think?

The support your father never gave you; the mom who was over protective; the in-laws who seem to meddle in every aspect of your life; your spouse who takes you for granted; the kids who show no love or respect; the friend who betrayed you; your boss who has no care or respect for you….. All are a part of life and the pathway to feelings of resentment and contempt. Resentment and contempt are two of the deepest, most negative and destructive emotions we can have. But how do we let go?

From Disagreement to Contempt- The Pathway

A disagreement can lead to an argument- an unresolved argument (even if that means agreeing to disagree) can lead to lingering emoting (frustration, anger, etc.) These types of emotions can smolder and generalize beyond the situation at hand. At that point we go from “I don’t like what you did or said” to “I don’t like you” – now we are at resentment. From here it’s easy to move on to “I really don’t like you” in fact “I hate you”. Anger, frustration that is not resolved can lead to resentment and contempt. The longer they fester- the harder it is to parcel out what was the original problem? Over time (years in many cases) the feelings simply expand to everything about the person.

Why Does it Happen?

Communication between people that never gets at the real feelings and concerns
Avoidance of conflict- we all hate to deal with the tough feelings
Fear of abandonment – they will “leave us” if we confront
Lack of insight- inability to understand ones own or others emotions
Denial- not willing to deal with the situation at hand.

What can we do?

Nip it in the bud
Be brave enough to face the tough feelings and deal with the tough issues
Be ready to forgive and move forward
Be grateful for what you have
Recognize the difference between something someone else is doing to hurt you, versus your own issues that maybe causing pain.

Resentment and content often are the demise of a relationship- and yet we are so fearful to deal with the strong feelings....