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Relationship Advice: Have You Been Put on Lay Away?
You begin to develop romantic feelings for someone and you sense they feel the same way about you. These feelings go well beyond friendship and you strongly desire to enter into an intimate and passionate relationship with them...but they keep you just out of reach. They pay you compliments and lead you on, but stop just short of admitting their interest or entering into a healthy relationship with you. They may already be involved romantically with someone else, but make sure you know that they have interest in you as well. They may even have told you, "I am going to break up with them for you. Please, just give me some time to do so. It is hard to do and I don't want to hurt them." Then, they don't follow through.
What is happening? Have you gone crazy? Are you supposed to sit around and wait for them to finally admit their true feelings for you? For them to come to their senses and pursue you, and only you, with a passion? Hopefully, you are smarter than that. What they have done is put you on lay away and made sure that they have a plan B...you! If they keep you "within reach" and ensure that you have feelings for them, they know you won't begin pursuing someone else. That way, if their present relationship doesn't progress as they desire, they can always fall back on you...Plan B.
Do you really want to be someone's second choice? Even though we read relationship advice cautioning against this type of waiting, we rationalize the situation in our heads. In reality however, when we go to a store and put an item on lay away, RARELY do we go back and actually purchase that item. We may lose interest, decide against the purchase, find a similar item somewhere else for a better price, or completely forget about the item all together. That does not bode well for you if you have allowed someone to place you on lay away. It's an uneven, unhealthy relationship, plain and simple. If they truly wanted to be with you and had real respect for you, they would never do this to you. They would make a decision and their choice would be you. The bottom line is...when someone sees that you have a life without them, they may want one with you. If they see that they are your entire life and focus, they may never want one with you. They don't have to tip their hand, they don't have to make a choice, they don't have to commit, as they see you aren't going anywhere. You deserve much better, but you must believe that yourself!
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A man will attempt to get away with as much as a woman let's him get away with. When some douche-bag tries to treat me like I'm his Plan B, my nose wrinkles and I shake my head to myself thinking, "who the f$&* does he think I am?!" Self-respect is everything!
You have to respect yourself in order for others to respect you! this is fact of life! I agree walk away and tell him or her to find someone else to f*** around with not me. might need someone but not abuse!
Ah... final last words hide the wisdom:
"You deserve much better, but you must believe that yourself!"
This is a great coaching scenario, David. Thanks for bringing to the forefront. When anyone finds themselves in a situation where they are so dependent upon another (mentally, physically, emotionally, or spiritually), there are much greater issues for BOTH parties involved. The initial a-ha is in discovering that one might be in one of those relationships to begin with! What do they say.... "Love is blind?"
Thanks to you all so far for your comments and input. I think that the primary reason people are so fearful of spending time alone or dating themselves :-) or simply working on improving themselves is that they don't know enough about the person they will be spending time with! If we all knew ourselves better, our own pro's and con's, dreams and desires better before we jumped into relationships, those relationships would be so much more successful. Thanks for interacting with me and PeopleJam.
Pull a page from Carson Kressley's show on Lifetime Network. He takes the women on a five day journey to loving themselves. To shifting the body image, which is linked to your physical, mental,emotional, and spiritual being as Coach Linda pointed out. You've got to start where you live, in your own body. If you don't love (and respect you) how else will anyone else. And while you are at it, throw in a healthy does of boundaries.
So many people have fear of being alone. I was one of them. I was dating again and on my way to the altar again even before the ink was dry on my divorce. I was terrified of being alone at the time and I was willing to settle, to be something like the women that you speak of David in order to get what I thought was my Mr. Right and knight in shining armor. In my case my rose colored glasses hid what I did not want to see.
It was not that I was the lay away women, or plan B as you called it. It's that I settled for less than I deserved because I was too afraid to be by myself for a while to figure out who I was and what I wanted. Dating yourself is great advice. Loving what is about yourself is likewise important. Get real about who you are and you'll be much less likely to be played as plan B.
As Carson teaches the women on his show, learn to love the women you are. You'll be surprised and amazed at how beautiful you really are!
Blessings,
Nellie