Reflecting Back... Tough Love Paid Off

Posted by Linda Hodge on October 19, 2007 4:39 PM PDT

Recommend this? YES NO

My son was in his final semester as a senior in high school. Popular, productive, an athlete, comedian, well on his way to college, and showing the signs of independence. However, we had an agreement since the days of elementary (it's always good to set the ground rules young!)... let your family know where you will be (in case of emergencies) and if you are running late, call. Same rules for the parent. Twice, Andy didn't come home. The first time, we had a discussion about this frightened-out-of-her-wits mother's worst nightmare. Second time we reviewed the courtesy, respect, consequences of those actions. The third time, I followed through on the consequences, had the locks changed and put his belongings (enough to get through the week) on the doorstep. Tough Call? Maybe, but to this day (my son is now 34), he tells the story of that cold night on a park bench and how much courage it took him to call and ask if he could come home four days later. Life Lesson... Learned.

People say, "How could you lock out your own son?" I gave him three opportunities. We reviewed the house rules, we agreed upon the respect, we accepted no excuses past the first. No anger, no negative emotion, just simple facts. A hard lesson in exerting independence, yet one that followed him throughout the rest of his life. Today, he is a well-adjusted, successful man of great respect.

This was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in raising my children. Both of my sons were well-behaved, socially adept, never a problem. And I always tried to be fair, with an atmosphere of open communications. This was simply a matter of pushing the limits... to see how far he could go. It is amazing now, to hear them talk of their memories, responsibilities, and the influences that helped shape them to be the men they have become.

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2 Comments

so easily backfire. It's a risk that you're taking to engage in "tough love" with anyone, especially your children. I was the recipient of such a love and admittedly, it both worked and failed miserably.

Nonetheless, what stands out to me about your story is that your decision to uphold your rules didn't come from a reactionary place. Quite often, it's very easy for parents to fly off the handle and punish their children, both physically or emotionally, under the guise of "tough love."

That was a very brave thing you did, Linda, and I'm happy to hear that your intuition about the proper course of action was correct.

Thanks for sharing.

Posted by Amanda on October 26, 2007 5:14 AM PDT

You are absolutely right! Thank you, Amanda, for bringing up a very valuable point... in my book there is a significant difference between 'tough love' and reactionary discipline (which can oftentimes border on abuse - physical, emotional, as well as mental). The distinction I fall back on is "WHO DOES THIS SERVE?" If the action is to satisfy the adult/parent's needs, (i.e. need for control, reaction or release of anger) then I don't consider this tough love. Touch Love to me is when you love someone so much that you have to make some tough decisions that normally wouldn't be made in an effort to help change the situation / attitude / well-being of the recipient/child for the better. The significant difference, I believe, is both parties are involved in establishing the arrangement/rules AND consequences PRIOR to any action being taken. In a calm, secure environment, both parties agree upon and understand the purpose/reasoning behind the expectation and the consequences. Then the choice is left to the individual to cross the line. It's about making wise choices... and respect (for both parties involved). Thank you for making the point of clarification of what "tough love" REALLY is!