I want to offer an old family secret to help make your holiday special this year. It's a cherished family recipe that has been handed down for generations, and now I offer it to you all. it's called "Just Add Alcohol".

Alcohol works like a charm to make the holiday season pass in a pleasant haze. Here are some examples to help you get started.

Dinner with the in-laws? Just add alcohol.
Drink a few stiff ones before any event involving your in-laws. Suddenly you'll find the liquid courage to have a frank discussion with your uptight neo-con brother-in-law and his mule-faced spouse. Instead of reacting to his standard conservative talking points by sulking in another room while he holds forth, if you just add a little alcohol, you'll soon be swapping stories about your fictitious service in the 101st Airborne, you'll reveal your previously-suppressed attitudes towards immigrants, and you'll find dark mirth in the prospect of a Democratic sweep in 08. No doubt he'll confide his misgivings about Donald Rumsfeld and Richard Perle to you. But be careful: too much alcohol and you might find yourself learning first hand some of Dick Cheney's duck hunting techniques.

Office party? Just add alcohol.
Why not get shitfaced at the company party this year? That way you can tell them all what you really think. That nosy busybody who always keeps track of everyone else's lunch appointments? Tell her what time it is. The uptight goon with ambition and an eye on the corner office? Cold cock the tool. He'll never get a promotion with a black eye. And your permanently stressed out boss? Swap a couple of boilmakers with him and lay it on the line. Give him some pointers on dealing with his management and your relationship will never be the same again. Your career might not survive the wreckage, but look at it this way, by showing up early for unemployment benefits at the Welfare Office, you will beat the crowd who will be laid off in the coming recession of 2008.

Volunteer work? Just add alcohol.
Whether it's helping out at the school or gathering Toys for Tots, it all goes better with a little bit of firewater in your belly. Suddenly the tedium of talking to the parents of your kids classmates becomes a fascinating social science experiment. How can anything so boring be attractive enough to find a mate and reproduce? Alcohol will give you the fortitude to probe deeply into the shallow psyche of these suburban lifeforms and you will come away enriched with new insight.

No matter what the occasion, this holiday season, spice things up with a double dose of alcohol. It's legal, it's easy and it will make things lively without risk of any disturbing memories.

And for those busybodies on this website who plan to respond to my blog with lots of persnickety diatribes about my lousy attitude, I say "Just add some alcohol and lighten up." Yo'll be glad you did. It will shave a few dozen IQ points off and make your comments more fun to read.