A previous Peoplejam blog, Don't Confuse a Depressed Teenager with an Anxious One began with:

Mother: Do you think he'll put his fist through the wall?
Father: Let's hope it's not his head!
And so begins another evening of pillow talk between the parents of an angry, sullen teenager.

In that blog I spoke about how a significant part of adolescent misbehavior and moodiness comes from untreated clinical anxiety which often masquerades as depression.

Most mental problems have biopsychosocial causative factors and in that previous piece I addressed how biological/genetic factors can affect mood in adolescence which results in negative, counterproductive mindsets (psychology) and behavior.

Well just when you (as parents) thought it was safe to say it was all biological, there are social components that are causative as well. Certainly the bullying that leads to the tragic shootings that we unfortunately hear about every few months as well as peer pressure to act in ways that can be calamitous to teenagers are well known.

What is well known, but kept private is a dynamic psychotherapists see frequently in families.

That occurs when one parent is overbearing and overly controlling (either the mother micromanaging her child's schoolwork and college application process or the father pushing the child to have more drive, motivation and be more aggressive in athletics) and the other is ineffective at keeping the over-the-top parent in check. This results in many teenagers feeling resentment towards the overbearing parent and contempt mixed with pity for the other parent who can neither stand up for the child of for themselves to the over-controlling one.

Among one of teenagers' best traits is a deep sense of justice but along with it unfortunately comes a sense of outrage regarding the injustice of this family dynamic.

To check if this may be what's going on with your sullen teenager, ask them in a matter of fact way while going for a drive or during some activity (since they hate unsolicited "heart to heart" talks which always feel like a lecture):

- "What's the most frustrated you have ever felt with your mom/dad or me?"
- "How bad was it for you?"
- "What did it make you want to do?"
- "What did you do?"

Then say (and mean it): "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was so bad?" Allow for the tears of relief you might unleash in them for finally getting this off their chest.

Finish with: "When I see you doing or not doing something that I believe could hurt you or your future, how do you want me to be with you? I mean, do you want me to say nothing? To wait and let you find out for yourself? To ask your permission to tell you what I see? Or what?"

Then whatever they say, use that approach.

(c) 2008 Mark Goulston