I recently started working with a client who started her own wellness coaching business. Since taking the leap, she is doing very well and is attracting clients and growing her business. In the midst of us working together to further grow her practice, she informed me that she finally broke off a romantic relationship that she realized was a complete dead-end. She explained that it took her a long time to realize that she was living in “la-la” land thinking he was the end-all be-all in her life . I congratulated her on her realization and the courage it took to end what she described as an addition that had finally run it’s course.

As we delved into her goals for her business and lifestyle, she explained to me that she was “….very, very motivated to get moving on building of the business…” she went on to say “…I’m ready to do all the things I’ve envisioned for myself over the years – and feel that now, with this relationship behind me, that the time is right – and it’s game on!…” As her coach, I felt ecstatic for her. I accessed that she was in a very healthy spot - looking at the ending of the relationship as a catalyst for change and growth. But, some interesting things were standing out to both of us as we conducted our first few coaching sessions. For one, my client explained that for some reason she felt blocked – she had all the desire and motivation to continue to grow her business and pursue the dreams she’s put on the back-burner, but something was holding her back. She went on to explain that she felt a bit “…out of integrity…” because she noticed that most of her motivation was coming through her desire to “show up her ex” and manifest all her desires out of a feeling of revenge.

As we coached through some of these areas it was interesting to explore her block. Her situation reminded me of something that my own coach had said to me when I was in a similar spot. I remember I was facing some resistance in moving forward on a specific goal, and my coach said "When we are facing resistance there is usually a real need that exists that should be explored." I explained this concept to my client and gave the homework of exploring the underlying need and documenting whatever findings that came up. The next week, at our coaching call, my client was excited to share what she discovered through her exploration around her resistance and her underlying needs. As she was journaling, she recalled a pattern throughout her life – that whenever she ended a significant personal relationship, she immediately buried herself into her work and usually took a big promotion or started a new job entirely. She explained that she didn’t notice it at the time, but that she was instantly taking her pain, and the void from the relationship being over, and throwing herself into her work so she could get her need for validation/significance met there. She went on to explain that in the end, no matter what success she obtained, she always ended up feeling empty and unfulfilled.

This was truly a light bulb moment for my client and something I feel is such a great testament to the power of coaching. By taking the time to do her own inner work throughout the week, my client discovered that her soul was resisting something very important. Her soul was resisting her pattern - which was to get her need for significance met outside of herself. For example, in her relationship, she felt that she got her need for significance met through feeling special by that certain someone. And now, with that relationship being gone, she was trying to immediately fill the void and plug her need for significance into another external validator – her work. I commended my client for having the bravery to listen to her inner voice rather then plowing through and working around the resistance. Her inner voice was protecting her from an illusion - which was that she could get her need validation and significance met through her new career as a wellness coach.

There are many lessons to be learned in this client example – a couple quick ones are: 1) when we search for anything outside ourselves to make us feel whole, or validated, we inevitably become disappointed - whether it’s our work, a relationship, having the perfect body, whatever – it is a set-up. The only way we can truly feel whole, and validated, is by turning inward and discovering that we - all by ourselves - are enough. 2) our work doesn’t define us – and this is why it’s so important to realize that work is only one piece of the pie – and to truly be happy and fulfilled with a life we love, we need to focus on other areas including our health, relationships, fun, etc. 3) when facing some resistance, recognize it and explore around it to see what real needs may exist – your inner voice may be trying to protect you or tell you something very important.