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"The One" myth.
"I’m looking for my soulmate. I want to meet THE ONE.” How many Internet dating profiles, conversations, and psychotherapy sessions have begun with these statements?
Relationships, be it relationship troubles, improving relationships, learning how to communicate in relationships, external problems affecting relationship quality, ending relationships, and/or searching for relationships, are what brought people to my therapy office most of the time.
Multi-million dollar industries have emerged to help people find relationships; a soulmate; the one. Four years ago, after little success meeting a mate the old-fashioned way (mutual attraction and flirting), I tried Internet dating. I logged on and found a cross-section of singles searching for relationships. I wrote a profile and browsed profiles. I wasn’t quite sure for who I was looking, but knew “the man” I was supposed to meet was “out there,” somewhere.
Writing my profile was the first time I’d specifically thought about what qualities I’m looking for in a partner. This struck me as odd as a large part of therapeutic work involves setting treatment and life goals. Why hadn’t I set a relationship goal for myself? Before you can achieve a goal, you need to know you want.
After reading many profiles and going on dozens of first dates (over 70 in 18 months in NYC, Boston, Western Europe, and the UK) I discovered a great many people don’t know who or what they’re looking for in a relationship. When asked for whom they’re looking, most reply, “I’m looking for ‘the one.’ Someone with a good sense of humor, attractive, good chemistry. I’ll know it when I see it.”
Yeah, that really narrows it down. Most people put more thought into their choice of breakfast cereal than their relationships. If you don’t know for what you’re looking, how will you know where to look, much less recognize it if you’re ever lucky enough to stumble across it?
There is no “one” person. “The One” is a myth, an artifact of the Platonic ideal and Romantic Age perpetuated by Hollywood and contemporary folklore. There’s no “one” perfect person. For that matter, there’s no such thing as “perfection.” A sense of peace and wholeness has nothing to do with perfection, real or imagined.
Relationships and marriages fail because people join for misguided reasons. Common values, emotional styles, and shared life goals are more important than “instant/crazy” chemistry, similar interests and leisure pursuits, but most people don’t know it and is largely why most of these relationships are doomed to fail.
The instant chemistry most individuals experience is nothing more than projection, pure and complex. What we “see” and who the other person is in reality are often two very different things. Just because two people enjoy playing water polo and watching “The Golden Girls” doesn’t make them compatible.
I’ve read profiles in which people are seeking a partner who enjoys skiing or rock climbing or kayaking, etc. Are you looking for a girlfriend - boyfriend - spouse or a sports and leisure club? Granted, there are individuals who devoutly pursue their leisure activities every weekend, in which case, their leisure activity has become a value; a lifestyle.
Basing your selection of a mate upon what you like to do on summer vacation is hardly sound reasoning. People divorce because of irresolvable conflict. It’s easier to compromise on interests. For example, “If you go to the opera with me on Friday; I’ll watch Celebrity Poker on Saturday.”
Depending on maturity level and depth of commitment, it makes one happy to be able to do this for a loved one. It’s much more difficult, if not impossible, to compromise on values and communicate and connect effectively if you've different emotional styles and temperaments.
Perhaps the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high if more people entering into marriage waited for the first flush of ardor to cool and openly discussed these matters. I wonder how many people who blindly gallop down the aisle, believing they’re marrying “the one,” end up in divorce court later?
Sometimes the simplest concepts are often the most difficult to grasp; even for me. People aren’t likely to change values, as they’re part of one’s identity. Think of values as major internal organs like the heart and lungs. Think of interests as accessories like jewelry and neckties. We need our heart and lungs to live; charm bracelets and neckerchiefs are optional. Values and emotional style trump interests.
There’s more than “one” person for us all, if we broaden our expectations. This is good news. It means we have more choices and increases the odds that out of all the people in the world there’s only one who could be right for you.
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Tara,
I agree on your assessment of the myth of "the one" as well as interests being more like accessories. I am disappointed in several online dating sites that list interests as a central way to find a match. What a sorely sad relationship if I look to connect with someone who likes Thai food and bowling. Those things might be interesting for me to know and can lead to more questions I might ask my date, but certainly not the building blocks of a solid relationship.
Thanks for the post,
Jillian Eichel, M.Ed.
Director of Coaching and Singles Programs
445 East Ohio, Suite 260
Chicago, IL 60611
www.wrightliving.com
I'll leave it to you to fill in the blank. Thanks for the comment, Jillian. I'm pleased you like it.
As for me, I'm burned out on Internet dating sites altogether. They've become the equivalent of channel surfing, electronic singles bars without the nicety of a friendly bartender pouring me my favorite cocktail.
Truth be told, I've never much enjoyed dating, especially the early stages of dating. So many people have unrealistically high expectations and rigid demands. I'm taking a break and hoping to stumble upon someone who's a good fit to me when I least expect it. Actually, I think I might already know him. We'll see. Thanks again for the comment, Jillian.
Great story. Perhaps the concept of "The One" is misunderstood. I was deeply in love with my high school girlfriend. We were sure we would come back from college and get married. One day before our senior year, I noticed that I did not feel that way about her anymore. It became so clear to me that she actually smelled completely different. While we did not talk for several years, we have become very close friends since then. I still don't know why I fell out of love with her, but she had a great explanation for me... She said "the one" is not one person, but one spirit. And that spirit may be in several people through your life time. Another way to think about it is maybe there is one right person for you... at that time... For the last two months I was in DC I knew I was moving to LA. I dated a friend of mine, and she knew I was leaving. She had just ended a long-term relationship so it was perfect for both us. For those two months, she was the one. One more thought - how is it that people stay married for decades? Because they choose to. And others take it one step further and choose to be happy through it all. What if "the one" is actually a matter of choice?
i agree that there isn't a single "one". what there are, imho, are several ones, each of them apportioned out to individuals over a lifetime. the poets say that romantic love lasts seven years. keeping in the statistical vein, we can say that each person is probably given a handful of true loves in a lifetime. i've always, myself, defined true love, which i've known maybe twice so far, as that relationship in which, as a chronic malcontent and doubter, i can see nothing wrong. the passions are also there of course--the systematic exaggeration of the qualities of the beloved, the obsessive cycling thoughts, the volcanic desire--but allied to them is the clear-skies perception of illimitable possibility, which translates, in humble terms to: there's absolutely nothing wrong and nothing wrong predicted. oh, and death. i worry big time about my true loves dying--a kind of reality testing similar to the person pinching himself because he can't quite believe his good luck. ain't i the romantic kind of guy!
Hi Eli, thanks for the comment. I enjoyed reading it. It warmed my cynical heart.
I would define a true love relationship, from one malcontent to another, as one in which I clearly see the "wrongs," inconsistencies, and idiosyncrasies and love the person anyway. In fact, not only do these things not bother me, I find them endearing.
Thanks again for such a thoughtful post. I appreciate you taking the time to write it.
i couldn't agree with you more on a couple of points that you made.
#1 being that there is more than 1 person with whom we could be really compatible with and have a great life together, and #2 that a lot of us don't know what we truly want, thus lowering the chance that we'll actually find it and be happy. It's like going to the market and only having one minute to pick out exactly what you want right then & there. If you've put in a lot of thought beforehand and know ahead of time what you're in the mood for (something sweet, vitamin C ey and juicy), you go straight to the produce section and 1 minute is more than enough time to find a pineapple let's say. But if you're thrown into Whole Foods without any thought, you might spend the whole minute thinking about what you want or get sidetracked by the bins with the delicious peanut butter pretzels or the blackened ahi sushi (can you tell it's lunchtime? :0) ). You end up with either nothing at all or with something you didn't want. But if you know what you're looking for, you'll be able to find that pineapple. Or mango. Or watermelon. There are a lot of choices out there that will suit your needs and that you'll be perfectly satisfied with.
Great story Tara! Debunk that myth.
ha ha! I love it Brooke. I can relate to that analogy both figuratively and literally. :)
Might I suggest everyone avoid the "nuts" section in the bulk foods aisle? I'll take a lean cut of rib eye (rare) with a side of leafy greens and something decadently sweet to finish the meal.
Great analogy, Brooke. Thanks for reading my post and adding to it. I'll never look at Whole Foods the same way again. Meaning, I'll be laughing to myself more than I already do as I shop, which I think lands me square in the nut aisle. Cave canem.
The "One" whom suppose to spend the rest of your life with, a Romantic Ideal.
Ideal
Ideally, it should happened at the Magical Moment, with both parties are looking for a relationship; Music in the Background; and small spark to started it all. After that Happily Ever After.
Sincerely, Wish that Everyone Magic Moment to be such a situation.
Reality vs Image
Few of us, have a firm grasp of the Reality that we show to the world. Our self Image tend to be extreme of Good or Nasty, of what is seem by other morals.
Mere words, on a piece of paper or on a website, does not do justice to the Real You.
Real World Test
Give the other party, a personnel perspective of what does it mean by "I Love FootBall" or "I Love Opera".
Love is Not A Destination - It is a Journey.
Reality
The totally Ideal One, maybe there somewhere, after a few decades of searching, maybe, just maybe certain aspects are not so critical, whereas other points are essential.
It takes lots of maturity, to see past each other 'flaws" and focus on the Golden Points.
When is that Magic Moment
- When there us more Growing together than apart.
- When there is more laughter than shouting (Unless the couple have a sadistic streak, the reverse applies)
- When both of you look forward to the time you are wake, rather dislike falling asleep.
- When the Needs of the Other is more important that the Needs of self. (Rushing to Give to Each Other)
- When there is no Need to say Sorry, both parties accept each other actions are for the better for the Union.
"Self Experienced"
Been There, Done that (Not proud about it), Met someone after that and learned that the World is larger than what is known.
I think Tara nailed it. In order to create a successful relationship, it's essential to focus on what you need. You WANT a guy who's a GQ model; you NEED a guy who hugs you intuitively after you've had a hard day. YOU WANT a guy who's got the same taste in music as you. You NEED a guy who doesn't raise his voice and storm out when arguing.
I just had a dating coaching client tell me that she wanted to get rid of a guy because she didn't like the hobbies he listed in his online dating profile. If that's not a ticket to lifetime solitude, I don't know what is.
If we want to be forgiven for our many flaws, we better start forgiving our partners for theirs.
Or so my friend's mother-in-law says is the secret to a happy marriage. Thanks for the comment, Evan, and not just because you agree with me (although, that doesn't hurt).
We all have flaws. The trick is to find someone whose bad habits and idiosyncrasies are endearing to you and vice versa 90% of the time. I'm hoping to find someone whose quirks are just as adorable as my own. Well, we all live in hope...
Best,
TJP
You know, I hate to say it but a lot of the bakery items at Whole Foods look delicious, but taste like cardboard. So, when dating: looks can be deceiving.
Also, some of us refer to Whole Foods as "Whole Paycheck." So, when dating: don't get sucked into spending your whole paycheck. (School of Tom Leykus)
Many items at Whole Foods say "all natural" on the labeling, but end up having ingredients that are still not good for you, like the euphemistic "organic evaporated cane juice," which is basically sugar. So, when dating: don't believe everything you read.
On a more serious note: I don't totally agree with Tara about how it is myopic to want to find a partner who has the same hobbies and interests. That actually says a lot about a person and if you can enjoy certain activities together it can be very bonding. (Especially since I keep hearing over and over again that men prefer "doing things" over yakking. What people do with their time also reveals their values about money, spirituality, politics and what kind of priorities they place on their health. It might initially seem superficial to judge a person based on their laundry list of favorite things on Match.com but even the type of FOOD one eats can reveal a lot about someone's personality--and more!
I do agree with Tara about how many people are ambivalent in the dating process, not knowing what they want. My first few years of dating after I got divorced were based on a premise of trying to find someone who was NOT like my ex-husband. But any good coach will tell you that focusing on the negative is not a great way to achieve your goals. My wish list is still a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to what I DON'T want in a partner, and I need to work on that aspect. Old habits die hard.
Kartar Diamond
Hi Kartar. Thanks for reading my post and the well-thought out comment. It's great to read.
Clarification: Shared interests are good. My point is that they're not as important as most people believe. If a couple only have snowboarding and Bruce Springsteen in common, but opposing temperaments, values, and thinking vs. feeling styles; snowboarding and the Boss won't keep them together.
If the other elements are in place, interests can then be shared, explored, and hopefully enjoyed together. Alternately, with values et al in sync, differing interests aren't viewed as a threat to each half of the couple because the relationship has a secure foundation.
Thanks again for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Kind Regards,
TJP
I've gone through this myself and it's excruciating. Going on a first date is like a job interview. It seems like so many of us, both men and women, have checklists of arbitrary traits we seek in a partner that, at the end of the day, don't guarantee satisfying relationships.
I have a lot of girlfriends who clawed their way down the aisle, daemonically obsessed and posessed about their "big day," the dress, the flowers, the food stations (?!?!, WTF?!?! Who cares?!?) and now, a few years into their marriages, do nothing about bitch about their husbands. Guess what ladies, marriage goes beyond your "big day" and the sucker/cash cow you bullied down the aisle.
What does it take to be happy (more often than not) in a relationship? I don't know. I don't believe there's just one person meant for us all. I'd like to find someone who generally doesn't get on my nerves, who doesn't feel like he has to talk all the time (silence can be way more intimate than the most intimate conversation), who likes going out for beers and the occasional nice meal, can find humor even in the worst of times and can have a blast while just hanging out and doing nothing at all.
I agree with you, Tara. What I'm looking for in a man has nothing to do with liking boating or downhill skiing or snorkeling. I can do these things on my own or with friends. Mutual hobbies don't make a good relationship; a genuine fondness, respect and fundamental feeling of comfort are what count. I know I'm in a good relationship when I look forward to coming home and feel grateful and relieved to see my boyfriend after a long, hard day.
Thanks for the comment. Too funny. "I breathe oxygen; you breathe oxygen. I'm a vertebrate; you're a vertebrate. You must be the one. We have so much in common." People have gotten married based upon a whole lot less and the consequences don't take very long to show.
I've known my share of bridezillas, too, however, I wouldn't call any of them "friends." They scare the hell out of me. When it comes time for my "big day," I hope to do a quick and dirty civil ceremony before he sobers up and then off to a remote, isolated location for 2 weeks of undisturbed naked time.
Keep the faith,
TJP