I wasn't sure where to post this entry. I'm not married and the kind of relationship I want goes beyond "dating." I'm not one of those women who believes you have to have a marriage certificate to be completely devoted to another person.

How many marriages are shams (whether or not it's acknowledged) with one or both partners involved in outside relationships and/or just going through the motions? Real commitment, intimacy, and connection transcends any legal document. Just so we're clear, I'm not opposed to marriage, but a marriage certificate does not necessarily a good marriage make.

My ideal relationship isn't perfect. It allows for myself and my partner's entire selves, warts and all. A relationship is acceptance. People are who they are. I f you go into a relationship thinking, "I like these qualities, but I don't like the other ones and he needs to be more of this and less of that" you'll become frustrated and the other person will feel bad about not living up to something he never was in the first place.

You're not going to like everything your partner does or says, but it's part of who they are and how they express themselves. Try not to focus on how something is said but WHAT is being said. What's the real issue?

It took me many years to understand this. I envision my next relationship (which will hopefully be my last one) like this: two wooden boats connected by a long cord, floating down a river. Sometimes, we'll glide side by side. Sometimes, one of us will move ahead while the other lags behind and vice versa. Sometimes, we'll crash into each other in rough waters; other times, we'll gently rock side by side, in still waters. No matter the conditions of the river, or our respective trajectories, we'll remain connected by the cord.

I don't want to live my life through my partner's achievements; nor do I want to be with someone who tries to live his life through mine. It will be a union of two independent persons who retain their autonomy and differences and celebrate them because they enrich the relationship. We'll both be free to pursue our own interests, but come back to each other at the end of the day. It took me a long time to learn what I don't want, knowing what I do want is a tremendous relief.

If you don't know who you are or what you want, you'll most likely spend a good deal of time floundering in go nowhere relationships. It's easy to love someone on a good day, but how do you feel on a bad day? Real relationships aren't fair weather. If you can't truly accept another person in their entirety (not "I like this and I'll be able to change that"), then it's best to walk away and/or learn the meaning of true acceptance.