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A Most Amicable Split
When I split with my ex-husband, my divorce lawyer said nobody had ever walked out of his office with as small a bill. We had decided how to split everything up before seeing our separate lawyers. It was easier since we didn’t have kids, although we did have some significant property to split: besides our beautiful Victorian home that we renovated ourselves, we had some financial investments, 2 sailboats, a few cars, and a canoe. (I got the canoe.) The one thing he added to the separation agreement was a clause about keeping the cat. I thought that was hilarious! I loved the cat, but he made me sneeze. It really wasn't a bone of contention.
He wanted us to share the sailboat. I didn't want to have anything to tie me to him anymore, especially financially. A saiboat that is kept in racing condition requires continual financial investment! Instead, he kept the sailboat and we continued to race together for another season. I've learned from my mistakes! Beyond that racing season, he allowed me to continue to use the boat for ladies racing. Even when he sold the Tanzer 22, and finally gave in to "2-foot-itis" to upgrade to a C&C27, he has generously allowed me to continue racing on ladies night.
Our current relationship is minimal. We talk when needed about the sailboat, and racing. We take each other out for lunch on our birthdays. It works. It's amicable.
I'm really grateful that we had an amicable split. The relationship I have with my ex-husband now is healthier than the one I had when we were married. It's great to see how much I've grown in 5 years!
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I'd really like to acknowledge the graceful alternative that you & your husband chose, Sylvia.
I can absolutely identify with what the experience taught you. Being in the process of separation from my husband at the moment where we've chosen to prioritise remaining considerate and loving whilst respecting the pain of the ending of our marriage, has been challenging and yet such an authentic experience - and I am so grateful that we were both prepared to focus on this.
In a world where divorce is so prevalent, yet still carries a stigma, maybe these stories can shine the light on an alternative to messy, bitter or unconstructive relationship terminations; where healthier solutions (for all parties) can be reached if both believe it is possible.
Choosing to be respectful and considerate is definitely a healthier solution. Thanks for your post, Sam. I wish you peace and grace in your process of separation.
Thanks for sharing Sylvia. I also went through a divorce that was really amicable. I'm glad to hear there are others out there who have been able to experience the same thing. The ending of a marriage is painful enough without adding in bitterness, anger and other such negativities.
My empathies to Sam who is currently going through separation.
Great to hear there are more amicable splits! Thanks for sharing your story, Melanie.
Your message reminded me of a resource that helped me when my marriage ended -- I just put up a post about it -- "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" by Bruce Fisher.
Thanks for the resource tip Sylvia! I am currently having a hard time with things, and I think I'll get that book to help out. In searching for that one online, I also came across Rebuilding Workbook. Have you seen this book before? Just wondered if it would be beneficial as well...
The workbook accompanying the Rebuilding book would be a helpful way of putting the info into practice. There are also workshops that are facilitated in a group setting if that would be a supportive environment for you.