Maybe too little, too late for Eliot Spitzer, but perhaps not for you

How to Earn Forgiveness and Rebuild Trust After
Betrayal

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,

when first we practice to deceive.

- Sir Walter Scott

We
and Eliot Spitzer may never know why he did what he did? It’s unclear if we or Bill Clinton ever
figured out why he did what he did.

But what is clear is the “rubbernecking” that
this story is causing as if people are watching some roadside disaster. The attraction may be that the exposure of
Spitzer’s immoral, not to mention illegal behavior, is causing waves of anxiety
among the not-yet-caught men who are flirting with similar disasters and the
women who love them. It has been a bad
few days for denial.

I can imagine millions of men who have been
cheating on their wives through prostitutes or mistresses or tip toeing into
their dens and home offices to lose themselves in the world of pornography,
scurrying around to erase phone numbers and delete computer files and swear to
themselves that they will never engage in such behavior again.

I can also imagine these men looking more
guilty than usual and raising the suspicions of their wives.

Finally I can imagine volatile confrontations
taking place that are finally exposing marital infidelity of one form or
another.

If such activities are exposed, can the damage be undone? Once trust is broken by
betrayal, can it be regained?

There is a road back, but it takes practicing the 4 R's to respond to
the 4 H's you triggered in the other person by betraying their trust.

The 4 H’s*:

When you betrayed your spouse:

1. They felt
   HURT by you for turning their world upside down
2. They
   HATE you for taking away trust and safety
3. They’re
   HESITANT TO TRUST and be re-hurt by you
4. They’re
   HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE to protect themselves from accidentally lowering
   their guard and being vulnerable again

The 4 R’s:

1. To
   ease the HURT you need to demonstrate REMORSE to show that you know you
   damaged something in them, by looking them directly in the eye and
   admitting you're truly sorry, with no excuses (this is the stumbling block
   for very narcissistic people and something Bill Clinton had trouble with
   during the Monica situation)
2. To
   respond to the HATE you need to show RESTITUTION and offer a payback for
   what you took away from them by giving up something that matters to you or
   letting them verbally punch themselves out at you for making them feel
   crazy while you lied to them
3. To
   lower their HESITATION TO TRUST you need to REHABILITATE yourself to let
   them see a new way of dealing with those situations that caused you to
   stray and that you actually prefer to your old destructive behavior
4. To get
   them to stop HOLDING ONTO A GRUDGE, you need to REQUEST FORGIVENESS after
   practicing those 3 R’s for a minimum of 6 months so they can become a part
   of your personality

If the other person is still unable to forgive you after that, you are no
longer unforgivable (if you haven’t gone beyond betrayal into abuse), they are unforgiving.

It's clear what is in it for you if they forgive you, but what's in it for
them? When you earnestly practice the 4 R's above, you enable the person you
injured to go from fear and loathing to feeling safe, trusting and even liking
you again---and that feeling is called, "euphoria."

*A full explanation of
the 4 H’s and 4 R’s and how to use them to rebuild trust is available in “The 6
Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There”
(Perigee, $13.95) by Mark Goulston with Philip Goldberg.