Living in Survival Mode-How do you not take things personally?

Posted by beth on December 10, 2007 2:07 PM PST

Recommend this? YES NO

I seriously need to know. I grew up just outside the city in a row home in Philly and got into my first fist fight in 7th grade. Well, what do you expect? I am from a town where we idolize a fictitious character named Rocky, eat red meat and pasta like ravaging animals and have THE most hard-core sports fans you can image. Living is based on survival and he who yells the loudest…wins. It’s all very sane in the most insane kind of way.

Now I am not an ignorant person. I travel often. I have lived in different cities. I have various groups of friends from all walks of life. I am educated. Sure, I have grown from each of these experiences, but at the very core there is still that little girl ready to throw down no matter what the cost. Anger issues? Sure, I’ve got ‘em. Rage? Been there done that. Insecure? Sure, why not add that to list. Now, I’m not all brut. Actually, I believe that most people reading this are probably gasping in shock since they have never seen this person.

So why bring this up? Because I find myself in situations where I take things personally and when I do, I hate it. I think it has to do with living in a survival mode for so long, but diagnosis aside, I wonder, how do you NOT take things personal? How do you not let your buttons get pushed?

I’ve heard:
1) Stick to the facts
2) Realize its not about you
3) Detach yourself from the situation

My feelings to that? Great. Fine. Whatever. (yes, in that particular order).

Men seem to be able to detach much better then women. Why is that?
If we build relationships with one another and then that other person degrades what I am doing, how can I 'stick to the facts'? And how is that ‘not about me’ and how am I supposed to ‘detach myself’ from my own situation?

We all got issues; even the most calm-mannered, pleasant people have buttons that get pushed from time to time. (talk about bizzarro situations!)

So, I need some help here… and I don’t want to hear too much counseling-type stuff, I wanna hear what YOU have to say...really, in real-world everyday experience terms.

What are your buttons?
How do you let go and not take things personally?
Can you ever live totally free from care?
Is it really so bad to take things personally from time to time? Isn't that part of being human?

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6 Comments

Hey, Beth, give yourself a break. It's natural and normal to feel these emotions. It's how you deal with them that counts.

One thing to consider, when somebody really gets you mad, is why you feel so strongly.

Think about it this way: when you see a stranger act like a jerk in public, you don't engage. You observe or ignore it. You might form an opinion about the person, and even avoid them, but you don't get emotionally engaged.

So when we do get emotionally engaged in reaction to someone's bad behavior, the question we have to ask ourselves is "why me? Why am I reacting like this?"

You know that it's not the jerky person who is getting you angry. It's your reaction to & interpretation of their jerky behavior that stirs up so much intensity.

Nine times out of ten, it's ego amplification. if the ego feels diminished or reduced, then it will puff itself up with righteous indignation. The ego loves a good fight to get puffed up about. If the ego feels neglected, then it will pound the table and make a racket in order to be noticed (even if the attention is not kind or sympathetic). If the ego feels threatened, then it will arise with fury and willpower to defend itself.

So the question you might pose is: how does it serve you to get offended? In what way is your ego attempting to define itself via conflict, perceived or real?

Posted by Rob on December 10, 2007 10:22 PM PST

RT-
Thanks for your insight. A lot of the time it is ego. But sometimes, I think it IS the jerk that provokes it.

Sometimes I think of how nice it would be to let things roll off of me and then other times I think that is not what I am here for, my whole life I have challenged people on their words or actions, not allowing them to be the jerk and ya know what? Its paid off.

I ask the tough questions when I am offended.
I challenge authority when I don't think things are right. I stand up for myself when I feel I am being walked over.

So, I think you have just made me realize that sometimes when I take things personally, its a good thing, I can help others. And I think the last question you posed: "How does it serve me to get offended?" will help me realize when it is justified or when it is just ego.

Thank you.

Posted by beth on December 11, 2007 12:43 PM PST

...in a major way so I hear ya girlfriend. You are right; being told to just detach doesn't always cut the mustard. How can you detach from feelings that are deep and a part of you, right?

I used to take EVERYTHING personally. It used to be my excuse (for lack of a better word) to hide or to justify my own response and behaviors. Basically, in doing so, I was handing over my power to a situation or to someone else, which made me feel even worse.

Hey, there is hope...believe me. Have you ever stopped to think about what pushes your buttons the most? Is it a particular situation, a certain kind of person? A behavior?

I did and it was interesting -- there was a connection between the buttons. Once I was able to determine the connection, I could deal with it better -- cutting the connection and regaining my power. That's not to say that I don't still have hot buttons that get pushed; they do. That doesn't mean that I don't take some things personally, I do...I just respond differently now. (For one thing, I no longer run to others and share how wronged I have been. Instead I talk my self through ways to take back my power.)

Beth, the bottom line; you're human. You have feelings and that is not a bad thing. My one hope is that you hang on to your power, because you are awesome and no one deserves to take it from you.

Posted by Pam Thomas on December 11, 2007 7:24 AM PST

That is my biggie.
Of course tying into that goes: feeling underappreciated, feeling like my thoughts/feelings have been disgarded..

Its one whole "You don't matter" statement.

Because of this I sometimes have difficulty communicating cohesively becuase I often feel like what I have to say doesn't matter.. so I kind of stumble over my words. Yet if I just say it bluntly with no polish people can understand me alot easier.

So, when I do work really hard to make sure everything is just so and it gets ignored... UGH!!!!!!!! So frustrating, then i really take it personally, afterall, i worked soo hard!!

I like the idea of recognizing my power. I never really thought of it like that.

thanks Pam .. you rock!

Posted by beth on December 11, 2007 12:33 PM PST

I knew you were a fighter! And not just a fighter, but a scrapper from the streets. HAHA I saw it...my imagination went off one day and I saw you fighting. I thought to myself, "this girl can hold her own." Then I began to imagine the both of us fighting. As a black-belt, I think my mind goes there only because I enjoy the thrill of a good fight, not because I dislike you or anything silly...:)

Anyway, great post!!! I love the honesty. So, what are my buttons, you ask....? Hmmm...what aren't my buttons, is the real question. But let's see...

My buttons: Feeling blamed, misunderstood, ignored, discarded...feeling as though I'm not enough, not as pretty, not as good..or not being heard...overlooked...feeling as though I've lost, rejected, coward....loneliness.

How to detach: These days, Nichiren Buddhism and chanting helps immensely. So does throwing myself into things I'm passionate about so that I'm not mulling over inconsequential shit.

I don't want to ever be free from caring. It's what enables me to connect so well with others and so easily. I've learned my lessons while learning to have more compassion towards people and the life condition of a human being in general. When you realize that most people take things just as personally as you do, that they're hurting as well, perhaps even more, then it becomes much easier to let go.

Taking things personally is how to survive and letting things go is how to live.