Have you ever noticed that we all have about 100 people living inside of us, and that they aren’t all nice? Some are great – the inner charmer who comes out after a few martinis, the romantic who shows up on special evenings, the crusader who cares about the down-trodden, the clown who entertains everyone at parties, and the gracious host. But then there’s the “dark” or “shadow” sides of us – the loner, the whiner, the complainer, the cynic, or (dare I say it?) the jerk.

The jerk part of many of us has way too much power in our relationships. And that’s a shame, because when the jerk comes out, relationships tend to get off track or fail completely. When someone we love is being their jerk self, this is when we have the most difficulty, when our very faith in the relationship gets tested. It’s also when everyone else in our lives tells us that if we have any self respect we should run, run, run as fast as we can for the nearest exit, leaving the jerk far behind.

But there’s another way to deal with jerks and it leads to far greater fulfillment and success in relationships. I call it “jerk management.” That’s right, jerks can be helped (unless they have addictions or deep-seated psychological problems – I’m not talking about those people here!). There are always one of two reasons someone is being a jerk: They are fearing the loss of something (perhaps your love or acceptance) or they are feeling emotionally insecure. Most jerks are sensitive people who don’t know how to handle their feelings and are literally screaming for reassurance. The worst thing to do in response is the thing most of us do: become defensive (which is basically saying to the jerk, “You’re a big idiot and don’t know what you’re talking about”), or become a jerk ourselves. This never works and only makes the jerk more upset, escalating the hostility. The best thing to do is to stop and ask yourself, “What is going on here, really? Is there something they are afraid of? Do they need some love from me?” and to acknowledge that by saying something like, “Wow, you’re really upset. I care about you and am sorry you’re having a tough time.” This acknowledging statement then should be followed up with another as to how the way they are acting is impacting you, along the lines of, “Your behavior is very painful for me and makes me feel separate from you. I’m happy to talk when you can be kind.” You see, once the jerk finds they can’t jerk you around, they have to change what they are doing.

I cover this “jerk management” business at length in my eBook, Love Is in the Stars. It’s my favorite chapter in the whole book because I’ve found time and again, that it really is possible to heal dynamics such as hostility, yelling, pouting, aggression, arguing, withdrawing, and more with a sensitive, emotionally difficult partner – if you just know how.