Is it possible to find your soulmate?

Posted by Dr. Mark Baker on February 7, 2008 9:49 AM PST

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When it comes to dating, I often hear people talk abut finding their soulmate- their one true love. The idea is that there is a certain person in the world that grasps the inner workings of your soul, someone with whom you can communicate easily and without even words at times. You have such a profound connection that it is as if you have always known each other and it doesn’t make sense to think about life going forward without that person. You didn’t even know it until you met this person, but this is what you have been looking for your whole life.

Is there such a thing as a soulmate? Well, first let me tell you what it isn’t. Many people have the experience I just described when they first fall in love. It can be instantaneous and with someone you hardly know or are prevented from being with due to circumstances or distance. Psychologists call this romantic state limerence, or infatuation, and it gives you the sense that you are mystically merged with the one you love. But, being infatuated does not mean you have found your soulmate. Infatuation lasts from two to three years, a soulmate is for life.

If all goes well, infatuation will evolve into attachment- the secure sense that you are with someone who makes you feel safe and known. You can still find romantic feelings of excitement from time to time but when you grow into the experience of attachment the dominant feeling is no longer euphoria, but contentment. Here is where it is possible to find your soulmate. With secure attachment you can know and be known, trust and be trusted with a partner who complements your life. Finding your soulmate is usually not something that happens instantly. As with all matters of the soul, it takes time. You won’t find your soulmate by looking outward and examining others, you will find him or her by looking inward and becoming a spiritual and emotional person of depth yourself. Rather than looking for the right person, spend your efforts becoming the right person and with enough time and effort your soulmate will be more likely to appear.

So how do you know if you are soulmate material? Ask yourself a few questions. First, do you blame people for failed relationships? Blame looks backwards and tries to find fault. This is rarely helpful or growth producing (This includes blaming yourself as well as others). Focus on what you can learn instead of who you can blame. Second, do you act or react in relationships? People who react make decisions in response to what others feel and believe. People who take action know how they feel, have clear values and can initiate steps towards their own growth. Being clear about who you are helps you know when you have found someone who is a good fit. And third, have you found the balance between being vulnerable to others and self care? Are you too invested in protecting yourself, or on the other extreme do you need better boundaries? Love requires a balance between taking care of yourself and caring for others. Spiritually healthy relationships have balance.

If you have asked yourself these questions then you are moving in the right direction. Becoming a good soulmate is the best way to find one.

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4 Comments

i was my soulmate all long! joking aside, that's actually great advice. i've learned that a lot of my unhappiness in relationships came from me being unhappy regarding to something about myself. i was surprised how much things improved once i started trying to improve myself

Posted by alex on February 8, 2008 4:29 PM PST

I used to think a soulmate was just someone that complimented you, but how can that happen if you don’t even know yourself? I was always someone who would look back at a relationship and try to find fault in the other person. Lately, looking back I realize I was more responsible for these relationships’ shortcomings than I initially thought. I definitely tend to be more reactionary, which allows me, like you said, “make decisions in response to what others feel and believe.” It’s a very safe position to take and I think this has a lot to do with why I sit back and examine other people, rather than getting to know myself and put myself out there. Are there any tips you could give on how to start working on yourself and becoming the “right person”?

Posted by MathsIsAllAround on February 11, 2008 12:36 PM PST

interesting ideas Dr. Baker. I definitely agree that sometimes we fall into the mistake of trying to look for soulmates constantly. The first step is to reevaluate yourself, what we want, what makes us happy, and how we can be a better partner. The soulmate will come into our lives in time, don't feel like you have to find him / her right now. Could you give some clarification on what it means to find a balance between self care and loving others?

Posted by blogking08 on February 11, 2008 3:35 PM PST

The path to becoming the person you want to be is through becoming aware of the person you are now. But, there is a big difference between being self aware and self conscious. Self awareness frees you to listen to others non-defensively; and self consciousness traps you in an over-focus on yourself.

Here is a challenging test for how self aware you are. Think of the ten things that bug you most about other people. Then narrow it down to the top three things that really get to you. Chances are you have unresolved issues in these areas yourself. The things that we just can’t let go, and the characteristics that get us most worked up, usually point to areas of our own unconscious minds that are not at peace with these issues. What prejudices do you hold, and what blind spots do you have, that you might not be aware of? If you can identify these areas then this would be a good place to start working on your own self awareness.

And the task of balancing self love with the love of others is also an important area. You can’t really have one without the other-- just like self hatred and the abuse of others are inextricably tied to each other. Some people view having good boundaries as “taking care of me” in relationships, but that’s not quite right. Good boundaries are not just asserting what I want; they are taking a look at what all the needs are in the relationship and deciding what the most loving thing to do is considering everyone’s perspective. .

A relationship that balances self love with the love of the others shares power mutually. This doesn’t mean that everyone makes the same money, is equally attractive or has the same personality because people are not always equal in every respect, but people can agree to have equal influence in the relationship. The extremes of getting my way all the time is just as unhealthy as giving the other person his or her way all the time. Don’t strive to be too independent or too dependent in relationships, because the healthiest relationships are interdependent. True happiness is co-created when it comes to love.