Internet dating is here to stay, for better or worse. Perhaps you're contemplating trying the medium or you're a verteran (i.e., compulsive cyber grazer) going from site to site in hopes of finding greener cyber pastures. Internet dating is a fascinating, sometimes wonderful, sometimes creepy and awkward social medium.
I'm a veteran Internet dater, presently enjoying early retirement. I stopped because I became tired of the circus. I've never enjoyed casual dating, so Internet dating was a revolutionary decision albeit a life changing one. I still chuckle (and cringe) when I think of some of the people I met, dated, and the parade of "truth is stranger than fiction" experiences. As a clinical psycholgist, I have a different take on the phenomenon.
I first tried Internet dating in June 2003. Within an 18-month period, I sent countless first e-mails and went on over 70 first dates in Manhattan, Boston, and Western Europe. (Yes, you read correctly. I have excellent time management skills). This either makes me an expert or a masochist; perhaps both. I learned a lot about Internet dating, men, women, and relationships that no amount of academic training or clinical experience could’ve ever taught.
Initially, I was hesitant to try Internet dating (actually, “mulishly opposed” is a more accurate description). It took almost 4 years, at a friend’s relentless insistence, to work through my resistance and post a profile. I now recognize the obstacles and defenses I erected, which may hold some universality for others.
A cognitive distortion is a defense mechanism that protects us from anxiety of the fear of failure, fear of the unknown, and fear in general. Cognitive distortions act as obstacles to goal attainment. We limit ourselves by adhering to them rather than challenging them. Most defenses protect our anxieties rather than ourselves. They hold us back from living life to its fullest potential whilst keeping our fears alive and well.
Creating change is like a mathematical equation: a different outcome requires changing at least one variable. We gravitate toward the known and the familiar, even if it’s unbearable and no longer viable. Real change is rare and difficult. On some level, we’re afraid of attaining what we want most, be it a successful career or relationship. This is why we frequently self-sabotage.
We make choices that oppose what it is we say we want. Why is there so much ambivalence and resistance to change, even when it’s desired? What would happen if we actually got what we think we want? It might not be quite what we expected (i.e., it doesn’t live up to the fantasy) or it might not be what you wanted after all or it just might make you happy. Nevertheless, change requires gaining awareness, making different choices, taking risks, and changing behaviors, which is difficult for most.
We’re afraid of being hurt, of failing, and the related feelings that accompany these two conditions: shame, loss, and the belief that we’re not “good enough.” What if I meet someone I really like and he doesn’t like me back? What if it works out and he’s living with me everyday? What if I actually have to make some compromises? What if everything changes? Oh, wait a minute, that’s right, I want things to change. It’s difficult to get out of our own way for these reasons. I’m no exception to this, even when on an intellectual level, I know better.
Essentially, if you’re reluctant to try internet dating yet would like to be in a relationship (and aren’t having success via your tried and true methods- mutual attraction and flirting), examine your fears and concerns. Discuss them with a friend or trusted confidante. I’ll wager it’s not Internet dating about which you’re apprehensive, but other relationship fears and insecurities.