The holiday season was so hectic this year that as Christmas Eve approached I found myself feeling a little hollow. I wanted to be moved, to feel connected, to feel. . . something other than gluttony. It's been years since I was in a traditional church, but I will always remember how the Christmas Eve services moved me -- I was sure that attending a Christmas Eve service was the way to evoke fullness for me and my family once again.

We found a community church with a children's service and I was so excited to be surrounded by uplifting music and smiling faces. The service started off great -- a little more rockin' than I remember church being, but I was beginning to feel a stirring inside me. Then we sat through 30 minutes of fire, brimstone and anti-feel good sermons. I was truly amazed at the scare tactics that were flowing into the congregation. My heart sank. I sat there trying to find a positive way to look at the damage control I was going to have to do with my children (and myself), as the youth pastor reminded us all by snapping his fingers ever 3-seconds and saying "gone," that our Christmas money could have saved one of these children worldwide that was dying with the snap of two fingers.

Well, I didn't leave church feeling good, we all felt beaten down. As we got in the car to drive to dinner, I found myself telling my children for the first time what it is I really believe in. As I explained my beliefs to the connection we all have to God and each other, I felt the warmth fill my heart that I was searching for. My kids asked questions and I was able to share how spirit moves within me, and the church service we visited gave us context. The Christmas Spirit was indeed alive and well--inside me.

I think we spend a lot of time searching outside of ourselves for that which fulfills us. We can use church, meditation, prayer, music. . . . to help us get there, but nothing outside of us can actually fill our hearts. We must be honest with ourselves about what is already there -- as what we came into this world within our hears, will always be enough.