I'm a Great Catch . . .So Why Am I Still Single?

Posted by Helena Rosenberg on October 11, 2007 12:46 PM PDT

Recommend this? YES NO

A new 30-something client I'll call Caitlin began working with me in order to maximize her chances of meeting a special commitment-minded man. She had a well-paying job, her own condo, and loved the outdoors. She was a bright and charming person with good values and an optimistic nature. And she always took pride in her appearance. So where were all the men? This mystery hung in the air between us during our in-person coaching sessions as we explored in depth Caitlin's lifestyle, routines, goals, and dreams. What Caitlin and I eventually uncovered in our work together was that, despite her many attributes, she was not really available to men because she was already hitched . . .to her mother! They spoke for at least 1/2 hour every day, traveled to exotic locales together and knew everything about each other's personal business. Like an old married couple, they anticipated one another's needs and relied on that relationship exclusively. Once I heard more family history, Caitlin's over-involvement with mom started to make sense: When she was growing up, Caitlin's family had moved around often due to her father's career in the military. Caitlin was an only child, and she and her mother were frequently thrown into unfamiliar environments together in which they had to start over, as it were; quite logically, they turned to one another for companionship and support.
But what had begun as an understandable adaptation to circumstances had become, in Caitlin's adulthood, a restrictive habit that prevented her from forming intimate connections with others.
Once Caitlin became more aware of how her reliance upon her mother was stunting her personal growth, she began to make conscious efforts to seek out alternative companionship.
At first, it felt weird to resist having those long daily phoners and sharing everything with mom.
And she had to be able to tolerate her mother's initial hurt and displeasure with her new-found independence -- a big adjustment for both women. But it got easier for Caitlin over time, and the more she pushed herself to break old habits in favor of novel unfamiliar experiences, the more new people -- including eligible men -- came into her life.

Caitlin is now in a serious stable relationship that seems to be heading down the aisle!
For more examples of stories like Caitlin's, you might wish to read Chapter 8 of my book, "How to Get Married After 35: A User's Guide to Getting to the Altar."

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3 Comments

Thanks for your post. This is so important and I've found this with myself and many of the people I coach in our Singles program - even adult children of parents who have passed away. If one doesn't do their personal growth in order to separate and become their own person, we are still "married" to our families.
Thanks again.
Jillian

Posted by Jillian Eichel on October 18, 2007 8:41 AM PDT

This story drives home the point that having complete awareness of thought patterns, habitual impulses, programmed reactions etc. is critical to making those conscious decisions that open doors to new opportunities.

The Law of Attraction or the the Law of Cause and Effect (whatever you want to call it) is actually a creative force that we ignite whenever that light-bulb goes off in our heads in an "aha" moment.
This creative energy is the force in nature that constantly flows through us and around us, picking up on the latent and not so latent mind projections in our energy field.

Whenever I choose to pause and really take the time to assess a taxing situation, I always return to the same truth of my accountability. It's always the same story except with different scenery and characters.

Reflection through meditation, writing, or with the help of a good listener enables me to see how the mental atmosphere or head-space that I indulged in, created, contributed, or had a crucial role in developing the very dilemma that I'm now complaining about.

How could I have been so blind to the thoughts, fears, and nervous ticks that were driving what I mistakenly confused as a "conscious" decision? Aha! Eureka! No wonder! I say that I want this, that, and the other...but deep down, I have conflicting, subjective thoughts that are blocking the very things that I want from arriving because Caitlin's mom and Caitlin's beau, can't both occupy the same space. That's just physics.

Cleaning out the closet of old mental attachments is the only way to make enough space for that creative force to bring in new situations or the corresponding effect.

Cause and effect, it's a bit eerie how that law works both ways. It's even stranger how effortlessly new effects seem to appear, once subtle causes are acknowledged and addressed.

Great story Helena.

Posted by Amanda on October 23, 2007 1:07 AM PDT

I've been in an off and on relationship with someone for about 10 years!! Although he is a great person in general, I've finally come to the conclusion that our relationship will never progress to marriage. I'm 48 and divorced; he's 50 and never been married or never lived with a significant other. I've verbally said to friends and family that I don't want to be married again. But the truth is I don't want to be married to him. I'm in a rut with my feelings for him and it's time to come clean and end things...