I have no idea what to do about my current relationship

I'm finding that, for the most part, I can rely on my feelings as indicators or guides to what's going on below the surface.

I find that it's usually the mind that gets in the way, trying to rationalize and justify, when the feelings are simply what they are.

I've been in a relationship where there was a significant age gap and although it can work, my feelings said, "who are you kidding?!" There were too many other factors contributing to the relationship's doom.

Two years later of "working on myself, couple's therapy, and all the self-help books on the market-- that gut feeling I had won out in the end anyway.

My conclusion is that honest communication is the only fair way to go. You don't have to break up with her if you feel that it would be a drastic move. However, let her know how you've been feeling and that perhaps her moving to Boston is a chance for both of you to feel things out and gain a fresh perspective.

The distance doesn't have to be a problem, but it is a challenge and they way you're feeling Matthew, I don't see you flying out to Boston, whenever you can, because you can't live without her.

If this is a pattern, as you say, I'd like to know why you get into relationships when you feel that "something is missing?" Do you begin relationships too quickly?

Some time alone to reflect and "work on yourself" never hurts.

Undoubtedly, I have a tendency to rush into relationships, but before this current one, I spend a couple years alone, and thought I was getting a handle on things. I didn't rush into this relationship, we worked together, and it developed rather slowly. On the surface, everything seems pretty good. But after a year or so, it started to feel like something was lacking on a deeper level.

Hi Matthew,
Thanks for opening up. What is your vision for a committed relationship with a woman and what is your criteria for someone you commit to? In what ways does your girlfriend fit your vision and meet your criteria and in what ways does she not?

Thanks for contributing,
Jillian

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I want in a relationship, and I have some fairly specific ideas, perhaps too many. Although I talked to a counselor about this, and she said it’s up to me to decide what is important, as long as I understand that having a lot of specific criteria will greatly limit the number of potential partners. The most important thing, like most people say, is someone I can connect with, and talk about anything. My current girlfriend and I connect on one level, and we get along well. But the main problem is that we don’t really see the world in the same way. She has a very literal, scientific view of the world, which is good for her, because she’s starting grad school in science. But I don’t, which is a main reason I got out of research. It seems to me like there’s much more going on in the universe than meets the eye, but she’s happy to accept the world at face value. This doesn’t lead to outright conflict, but sometimes I feel like I’m missing out if I’m not exploring new ways of thinking about the world.

Then there’s lots of little things, like she doesn’t like to be as active as me. She does like to get some exercise, just not as much as I would like to get, so sometimes, when were spending time together, it’s hard for me to leave and go for a run or go surfing or something.

Then there’s dancing, she doesn’t really like to dance. On the rare occasions that I do venture out on the town, I like to go to a club with house music or a bar with live music and dance for hours.

So the problem is a bunch of little things, sometimes just a matter of degree. I’ve seen all the qualities I’m looking for in separate people, but never all together in one person, which makes me wonder if I’m looking for the impossible.

Just because the both of you have different world views, doesn't mean that something is lacking. In fact, the two of you could be a healthy compliment to each other with the added benefit of always seeing life with a different pair of eyes.

At the same time, I totally hear what you're saying because I had an ex who looked at life differently and thus approached life in a way that did not compliment my energy. What's more, he hated going out to dance and so I would go out without him and have the time of my life anyway.

I felt as though I was always willing to do what he enjoyed and that he would never show me the same courtesy with my interests.

The little things began to add up and I finally had to call it a wrap.

A couple weeks ago, a dear friend and I talked about the highs and lows of our various relationships and we considered the fact that perhaps we're both too picky and that we'll never be satisfied because we're determined women with restless spirits.

The idea of being "old maids" didn't sit well with us. But deep down I think we both felt that we're not being neurotically picky. We're still learning and growing through the people we love until the time is right.....whenever that is.

As I write that, I wonder if the time is ever right....

Anyway, don't be too hard on yourself. Accept people for who they are, but never settle! Read Tara's story about "The One, " she debunks it hard core.

However, since I suspect that you're a "hope-fueled-romantic" as I am, keep in mind, while you're reading, that the "impossible" has been achieved before.

Matthew,

It sounds like your becoming clear on what you want and need to be willing to put out what is non-negotiable for you.

Each man I've dated has helped me clarify what matters to me and why. Through my relationships and my own personal work, I've realized that I need someone absent of drug/alcohol addictions and who is willing and able to fight for what he wants are a few of the criteria I'm not willing to settle on. I have other criteria for a partner that are important, but if these other two are there, I know the relationship has more of a chance of working in the long run.
Best of luck to you,
Jillian

Was just bumping around on PJ and came across your story (and of course I believe that was "supposed" to happen! :-) Without knowing anything about you and just reading over your story, my 'impression' of your situation is that there are too many "buts" here. I this, but she that....... I've read somewhere that the reasons we fall in love with someone are the very same things that will drive us crazy with that person down the road. So to actually start out with too many "buts" that might become bigger "buts" later on in your relationship....? Not wise I would think, but how important are these "buts"? Are these large or small "buts"? At first glance, and without knowing circumstances, this is what I'm seeing in your story, and I could certainly be off base here. I'm wondering if you're consciously aware of what you base a relationship on, what values......is it something set in stone in your imagination, is it based on something out of your childhood, could it be unrealistic in any way? You mentioned having a counselor and these might be things to take up with a counselor. Then...about this something missing .......what does it look like, when does it come up, what does it feel like, etc......do you ever write down these ideas in a journal perhaps? Look for intuitions and inklings about this missing something? Do you any see connections at all with this missing piece in your relationship(s) to anyone or anything else in your life? What is the 'emptiness' of the missing thing connected to? Is there something you long for? An urge toward something? Can you with deep questioning "draw" out a picture of this missing thing? These are some questions I might ask of myself if I were experiencing this in my life. Also, I remember in my own early relationship with my husband, that first year or so, things were a little rocky as we got to know each other - and after 30 years together we're still learning! - but we were able to question and discuss things together and that's so important.
So, these are the questions that pop into my head as I read here, Matthew. Good luck with everything, as no relationship is without its complications and decisions that have to be made. I'll check in here later on. sue